Friday, January 29, 2010

EEEEEEEEK Harmony.com

Woman seeking man who appreciates experience 
and a felt hat worn at a rakish angle


 
Cowgirl seeking cowboy who enjoys being 
whipped about the face with golden gloves.




Spunky policewoman seeks wimpy man
that isn't chained to his work.

Friendly young man with style disability seeks woman 
to help with hairstyling and clothing decisions.  
(Also I could use a pair of ears.)


 
Twelve year old girl seeking two eligible bachelors to marry my grandma and mom so they will have something to do with their time and quit making me dress like them and pose for lame portraits.


 

Trumpet player with limber lips and the beginning of a 
swell mustache seeks woman with the same.




Sheriff Joe's brother Moe seeking new identity.


 

Texas Mother/Daughter combo seeking 
rich husband/daddy who appreciates natural beauty.




Environmentally minded spider surrogate seeks home 
for the 5 million baby black widows spiders that are about to be birthed from their cozy nest on top of my head.

(pix from sexy people.com)



Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Field Trip – Walmart Returns Line


I am standing slump shouldered in the queue for customer service at Walmart. We are a dejected lot. Dejection is a qualification for a place in line, along with a neon sticker on the item to be returned.



A grey headed man in matching grey coveralls is in front of me. He is holding a head of lettuce. It is unwrapped.


I can’t help myself. “Bad head of lettuce?”






He shakes his head sadly “Covered with rust.”


“Rust?”


“Oh yeah, that’s what these here brown spots are called.” He tenderly peels back a leaf.

 I can’t help myself. “Do they actually take back lettuce?”

He brightens, “Oh yeah, they’ll take back anything, especially if you got a receipt.” He reaches into a vast pocket in his coveralls and removes a bulging wallet. . It is fatter than a Big Mac; oozing receipts, cards and bills. Donald is a saver. Donald has his name written on his wallet with a sharpie. He removes a wad of receipts molded into a curved brick and pries one off with a yellowed thumb nail. His bushy eyebrows rise with pride. “Last summer I took back 13 watermelons.”


I can’t help myself. “What was wrong with them?”


“Oh you name it. Some weren’t ripe, some were too ripe” he pauses, remembering fondly. “A variety of problems.”


I can’t help myself. “Is there anything you wouldn’t take back?”


He stuffs the wallet back in his coveralls and tugs at his rubbery ear, wrinkles stacking up on his forehead. “Well now, I’d have to think about that. “


I wait breathlessly while he cogitates.


“Next!” the customer service lady with the ink black beehive says to no one in particular. Donald bears his rusty lettuce proudly…leaving me hanging.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Carbohydration Solicitation

I am working on a concept for a new and exciting bread store. 

I think I will call it “Inflagrante Delicioso” 

Just brainstorming, but here is a sampling from the menu.


Hole Wheat Bread

 






Activia Bread

loaded with enough roughage 
to unblock a New York City sewer pipe











Pumpkin Razor Loaf (seasonal)
a little treat to hand out to juvenile delinquents 
who knock at your door at 11:30 p.m. on Halloween








Seriously Syrupy Sweet Bread 
made with powdered sugar instead of flour



Slumber Loaf 
Includes 100 milligrams of Benadryl in each slice









Please contact me as soon as possible 
for an exciting investment opportunity!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Massachusett's choosetts

In a statewide taste test, Massachusetts voted




 Scott Brown


                                                  


And





 Martha








Monday, January 18, 2010

On the Red Carpet in Pink Pajamas


Time for some fashion commentary on what our Hollywood role models were wearing Sunday night at the Golden Globes


  


The Genovian Princess was fabulous in a gown hand sewn by the 150 indentured child laborers in the sweat shop located in the dungeon of the Genovian Castle.



This beauty  is clad in the tanned skin of a giant Anaconda.  Before you animal lovers get all worked up; said Anaconda  attacked an innocent indigenous Brazilian and therefore deserved to die.




J Lo hit a new low when she pointed and 
made fun of this redhead because:


a.  the redhead's skin is a ghastly washed out white color with writing on it 
                                          and
b.  the redhead didn't show near as much back skin as J Lo did 

 

This starlet is elegant from her toes clear up to her....
wait a minute.  Don't the windows roll up in your Lexus? 




Next time, don't accesorize with a box of Cheetos.



Oops!  Forgot my tank top.  Good thing 
I remembered my nude adult onesie 





Don't worry if you spill your drink,
I've got plenty of bar rags.




Hey Hollywood, 
I bet I had more fun not watching the Golden Globes 
while eating a gigantic piece of cake 
and wearing pink pajamas











Wednesday, January 13, 2010

THIS JUST IN!!!



Nothing is quite as enlightening as a small-town police report. Can you distinguish the real entries from the ones that came from my fevered imagination?


a. Police received a report that for two days a goat had its head stuck in a vent by the high school green house. The animal control officer released the goat using bolt cutters. The principal said he would make sure the goat was taken care of and he would contact the agriculture teacher to fix the situation so the goat doesn't get stuck again.


b. Purvis Fly contacted police and reported that his goat had been stolen. The last time he saw him was Friday night when he locked the animal into his “goat detention device” to teach him not to eat the laundry off the clothes line.


c. The Agriculture Dept. at the high school requested a fire permit in order to host a first annual “Goat Barbecue”, proceeds to benefit the F.F.A.




a. A woman reported two people tried to sell fireworks to her son. When her husband came out they took off. An officer responded and found the vehicle in the Bashas' parking lot by Movie Gallery. The fireworks, black cats, were found and confiscated.


b. The 4th of July patriotic fireworks display has been called off because someone stole the fireworks.


c. Schnebly farms reports that all the leftover pumpkins that were stored in the root cellar have been stolen and blown up in a fallow corn field. Neighbors report a disturbing scene of total carnage. Ed Riley, a Vietnam vet, was transported to the hospital suffering from flashbacks.







a. A resident of Meadow Valley subdivision reported cows running around again. When the officer arrived, the cows were gone.



b. Traffic will be diverted on main street between 9:00-11:00 a.m. next week for the annual “Running of the Cows” (sponsored by Hatch Dairy).


c. Coach Swensen reports 30-40 fresh cow pies on the newly refinished high school track. Vandalism is suspected.










a. A woman reported when she was in Bashas', her car was taken. An officer responded and a report was taken. The vehicle was found in another area of the parking lot.


b. A woman reports her husband is missing. An officer responded and a report was taken. The husband was found in another area of the house.


c. A man reports his dog is missing. An officer responded and a report was taken. The dog was found later chasing cows around the high school track. 


answers: a, a, a and a

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Anything Can Happen!

A new year is the time to be optimistic, because everything can change in an instant can’t it? 

For instance…





You’re driving down the road and turn up the volume so you can sing “Mandy” along with Barry Manilow—You came and you gave without takin, and they sent you away, oh Mandy…and you are really feeling it and remembering junior high and you can’t see because your eyes are flooded with tears and you rear end a Schwann’s ice cream truck and the air bag goes off and singes off your eyebrows but saves your life and you get a free ice cream to eat in the ambulance.

OR




You’re walking the dog to Safeway to buy some him some Beano, because you can’t afford any more brain damage and you glance down in the gutter and there among the dried leaves and cigarette butts is a tattered lottery ticket that turns out to be worth fifty bucks which makes you so happy that you start showering and combing your hair and then suddenly you have friends and are able to get a job.




OR
 


You answer the phone even though caller I.D. says it is Aunt Tesper and you have always hated Aunt Tesper but when you say hello it turns out Aunt Tesper just died of lung cancer but long before she died in an uncharacteristically astute monetary move she invested in Google when it was cheap and since Aunt Tesper is in between spouses you are her sole heir and you inherit her Cadillac full of Google stock certificates and crumpled Marlboro cartons.

OR





You go to your high school reunion and discover you have gained more weight since high school than anyone in your graduating class and suddenly you are more popular than anyone at the whole reunion because everyone is so grateful that you have gained more weight than they have and are making them look gooood…especially when they stand next to you, so you are surrounded by friendly people the whole night.

OR




You’re watching Oprah like usual and suddenly you stand up and yell, “You are not the boss of me” and you save so much money not buying Oprah’s favorite things  that you are able to pay off all your credit cards and because you are no longer making those delicious recipes from “O” magazine you lose 50 lbs. and quit pretending that you have a best friend named Gail and you find your own real best friend and develop innovative Oprah shunning techniques which you start blogging about on a site called “60 days to an Oprah-free life” which becomes so wildly popular you get invited to be on “Ellen” but you refuse because you don’t like her either.

So cheer up, it's a new year and anything can happen!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Environmental Romance Part Ten

WARNING:  Don't even think about reading this installment 
unless you have read the foregoing chapters


A challenging piece of romantic literature

such as this will leave you hopelessly lost

without the proper framework.



Flora: An Environmental Love Story


By: Laraine F. Eddington
(Best read aloud with expression by candlelight)


Installment numero diez:


What Albert, the seeing-eye goat saw was a man… a real man, nothing like the pathetic squishy mulleted lump lying duct taped and helpless on Flora’s cabin floor. The real man’s manly shape filled the open door way; a shape formed of muscles molded miraculously over a symmetrical framework of bones made strong by years of copious calcium intake and clean living. It was shape held together with sinew as strong as piano wire, a shape encased in skin that bore the flush of outdoor living and good health. The gentle forest breeze blew past this man and the scent it carried into Flora’s delicate chiseled nostrils whispered, “Conrad is here…and he smells just as delicious as ever.”




“Conrad, is it…could it be…” Words failed the gentle Flora, and her fair complexion paled into a hue more akin to organic skim milk than 2%.


“Flora!” He spoke the name with reverence, regret and the timbre of his voice reverberated through the timber of the forest. Never had a name been spoken with such meaning; regret, devotion…longing.


Flora took a tentative step toward him, and then turned away, her slender hand nervously touching her swanlike neck. “Conrad, it has been three years. I thought I’d never see you again.”


“I had to stay away Flora, I couldn’t bear to see what I had done to you”. The words were torn from his throat like a strip of wax under an overgrown eyebrow.



Flora turned back toward him, her feathery black eyelashes sweeping fruitlessly over her beautiful, sightless eyes. “Oh Conrad, When my eyes closed, my heart opened; and I really began to see.”



Wendell came to, finding himself bound and gagged on the Flora’s sustainable bamboo floor and began to wriggle like an earthworm on a hot sidewalk. Albert clicked clacked to his side and lowered his shaggy head, tickling Wendell with his wiry goat whiskers. Wendell sneezed behind the duct tape that covered his mouth and Albert licked his face in an accommodating way.




“What do you mean Flora?” Conrad took her arm and led her out the cabin door and to the porch swing woven of willow wands by the Sightless Brothers of the Forest. “What did you see without eyes that you couldn’t see with eyes??” The swing rocked gently under their firmly formed fannies.



Flora sighed, and her breath tickled Conrad’s neck, making his well shaped adam’s apple bob like it was in a tub of water at a Halloween party. She continued “When I could no longer see the sunset, the eyes of my soul finally opened to the miracle of memory.” Conrad’s eyes smarted and he brushed at them with the back of a lightly furred knuckle. Flora’s honeyed voice continued. “When I could no longer see the mighty Ponderosa pines I finally heard the song the wind makes through the boughs.” A sudden gust through the treetops seemed to accompany her words.



Conrad took her in his arms then, and there was no need for words as Flora’s tiny frame melted into him like she was Jello and he was a Tupperware mold. As Conrad’s gently parted lips met hers a conduit opened between them and thoughts intertwined as freely as the nectar of their saliva.


Albert the seeing-eye goat watched the two lovers rock and kiss and rock and kiss until he grew bored and went back inside to gnaw on Wendell’s savory Walmart sneakers.


Dusk had fallen and it was getting chilly before Conrad finally spoke, “My darling…there is something I want you to see.”


To be continued…possibly only one more time.