Did you know that walking one mile while shopping is equal to 1.7 miles on a treadmill or 1.6 miles on a track? I know the science of this is complicated, but try to follow me. Gravitational forces which cause drag on the large muscles are increased proportionately to the proximity of overpriced merchandise and empty caloric possibilities for consumption by a factor equal to the overdraft in your bank account divided by how uncomfortable your shoes are.
Yesterday, after clocking 7.5 mall miles, I was taking a breather in a comfy leather chair right in front of the kiosk that sells beauty products from the Dead Sea. I have never really understood this marketing concept because I thought the point of expensive beauty products was to help you look like you were never going to die, hence avoiding anything to do with death like the plague.
Seacret employees go through rigorous training in Dead Sea boot camp in order to convince mall attendees to let them squirt lotion on their hand. If you give in to their seductive advances, they will grasp said appendage in a vise-like manner and not let go until they ask a series of questions designed to make you feel self-conscious about the state of your lobster claws.
Whilst esconced in my comfy leather chair, I did observational research, carefully recording the results in blue pen on my Wetzel's pretzels receipt. This is what I saw.
84 subjects turn down cheerful invitations for a squirt of free dead sea lotion with a minimal nod or negative murmur
66 profoundly deaf and legally blind subjects who could neither see nor hear the bubbly dead sea girl with giant hair, blue eye shadow and a black apron gesturing wildly with her lotion tube and fake smile constructed of red lip stick
A lesbian couple dressed in cargo shorts, polo shirts and Mormon missionary haircuts who spoke to a Dead Sea girl at great length but weren't convinced enough to pull money out of their REI fanny pack
3 spoiled brats
Okay so I really didn't see Tom Selleck but I thought you would like an opportunity to see what he looked like when he lived in Hawaii and wore shorty pants to investigate crime.
I bet if I had seen Tom, he would have given Dead Sea girl a nod and maybe even let her rub some lotion on his manly chapped hand.
Doesn’t it make you mad that Law & Order has given up on investigating and prosecuting offenders? Apparently they quit subscribing to newspapers like the rest of you cheapskates and they no longer have any headlines to rip.
To fill the void I once again bring you another installment of
“Small Town Police Report”
See if you can recognize the real headline.
a. Harve Tumbley reported he thought he was being harassed by his wife and would like to talk to an officer to know what he can do to harass her back. An officer talked to him and gave him counsel.
b. Gladys Tumbley reported that when she answered her doorbell there was a fire on her front porch and when she stomped it out she discovered it was a fresh cow pie and so she completely ruined a brand new pair of Naturalizers she had just purchased at Walmart.
c. An Officer responded to a domestic disturbance at the Tumbley barn to find two suspects involved in a massive cow pie fight. Gladys Tumbley was subdued after she attacked the officer; accusing him of telling her husband how to light cow pies on fire so innocent people will stomp them out.
a. Nealon Norton reported his neighbor's birds were running loose and causing problems. The animal control officer spoke to the owner of the birds, Benjamin Schinke, who said he had tried in the past to pen the birds. At that time, the neighbors complained about the noise they made and asked him to let them roam free again. He said he hadn't any complaints since that time. He said he would try to keep them quiet but didn't seem to know how to keep them quiet. He said he and his guinea fowl have been there since 1970 and the neighbor is being unreasonable in his complaint.
b. Patricia Crosswhite registered an animal cruelty complaint, stating “It is a crying shame when dozens of beautiful guinea fowl are shut up in a wire cage with little gags in their mouths. Their wings are drooping and they won’t look you in the eye.”
c. Benjamin Schinke reported that he is angry at being ordered to shut up his birds in a cage to keep them quiet, then subsequently ordered to let them roam free by the police. Now, several guinea fowl are missing and he has been seeing his neighbor grilling suspicious guinea-like cutlets every day for two weeks
a. Ivan Bustanza reported someone took Ritalin, Excedrin and a pair of prescription sunglasses while he was at church the previous Sunday. He only wants it documented that they were stolen.
b. Sissy Gonzalves reports that her son Fernando came home from church nursery so hyper that he hasn’t slept for two days and she can’t take it any more. She thinks that Bill and Wanda Sandstrom might have given Fernando something because he is a “challenging boy” who steals toys and bites the other children. Bill and Wanda Sandstrom deny the allegation. c. Vanilla Wafers from the Sage Crossing Ward nursery tested for negative for any unusual substance.
Dutchess of York Sarah Ferguson offers access to old Weight Watcher recipes for cash on video
By Rhoda Peters Monday, May 24, 2010
A London tabloid disclosed video footage Sunday of Sarah Ferguson, former spokesman for Weight Watchers, telling an undercover reporter that she would arrange access to valuable antique weight watcher recipes, in return for substantial payments.
The Duchess of York did not dispute the authenticity of the tape, in which she appears to ask for a down payment of $40,000 in cash, followed by 500,000 pounds (about $724,000), which she says would "open doors to food more delicious than you could ever dream of."
She said in a statement: "I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment it has caused. However, it has been hard for me to sit by and watch while the Weight Watchers Organization selfishly hoards these brilliant recipes."
"While I firmly believe that everyone should be able to partake of murky blue-green liquids such as the one in this Mexican dish, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment."
The newspaper, owned by Rupert Murdoch, said that Weight Watcher management knew nothing about the alleged scheme, and Ferguson says on the tape that “…those starving old biddies wanted to keep delicious creations such as 'Inspiration Soup" secreted away in dusty old file boxes forever.”
News of the World had reporter Mazher Mahmood pose as a wealthy businessman seeking help for his rapidly expanding waistline in a conversation recorded Tuesday in a London apartment. Mahmood's Fleet Street nickname is the "Fat Sheik."
As for the ethics of a journalist impersonating a businessman, Nixson said that there was "a legitimate public interest in delectable low calorie dishes such as 'Fluffy Mackerel Pudding' " and that this is "common practice" in the United Kingdom.
Buckingham Palace had no comment but has requested all the recipes.
There are few sights more pathetic than a mother sitting on the edge of a bathtub waiting for a child to make a deposit in the toilet. She is nothing but a groveling pawn--dancing and handing out treats while her ruthless child masterfully pulls the puppet strings. It isn’t right.
Since I am the mother of five children who were completely potty trained before they could drive, I would like to offer my expertise and three tried and true methods to help you maintain your dignity.
The “Village” Method
Send your kid forth into the neighborhood to spend one day with each neighbor, each of whom has already bragged to you about being an expert with a magic method to cure children of their nasty diaper habits. By the time your little one has spent a day with each one of your weird neighbors, junior will run home and greet your toilet like an old friend.
The “Natural” Method
This involves total nudity and a miniature surveillance camera. Junior will be happy because he is naked except for the camera strapped around his chest that is focused on the plumbing area. You will be comfortably ensconced in your lazy boy watching the TLC channel, occasionally checking the video monitor that is right next to your Route 44 Diet Coke from Sonic. When you catch sight of a plumbing leak or eruption, you will leap, sprint, scoop up Junior and plop him on the toilet. Junior will eliminate and you will have eliminated all that boring bathtub perching time.
The “Positive Humiliation” Method
When Junior is settled in bed for the night with his Buzz Light Year quilt tucked under his dimpled chin, tell him the story of “Diaper Man”. Diaper man is the bad guy who comes in the window at night to see which lazy little kids are still wearing diapers. If he catches you in XXL Huggies, he will immediately call Dora the Explorer on his cell phone and she will then make fun of you on TV the next day with the whole world watching and everyone will laugh but you because you don’t understand Spanish.
For months now I've been coyly darting around the blogosphere batting my eyelashes, laughing seductively, flipping my hair, turning carefree cartwheels and occasionally running backwards in slow motion while the sun lights up my blue eyes until they are the color of the sky after a thunderstorm.
Finally, all that hard work has finally paid off and I have been TAGGED by a sweet reader named Melba who assures me that if I do not answer the following important questions I will break the chain and my associates will all be cursed with psoriasis of the liver.
Melba, before I answer, may I just ask whether you were named after a peach because of your rosy complexion or because of that layer of fuzz that adds so much to your face and personality? (Please email me with your answer.)
1. Where were you five years ago?
Five years ago Melba, I found myself deep within the bowels of the rainforest on an expedition to map a little known tributary of the Amazon accompanied only by my small brown guide, and an inflatable canoe I had previously purchased from the LL Bean catalog for 40% off. Or, I might have been folding clothes and doing dishes, I can't remember for sure because of the concussion I received either when I was knocked out of my canoe by an anaconda, or when I tripped over a skateboard in the garage.
2. On my to-do list today?
Hose off the Jaguar, eat a pound of bacon, pick up the dry cleaning and exercise.
3. What are your five favorite snacks? *a. bugles *b. olives *c. little squares of pepper jack cheese *d. brownie bites *e. partially thawed cream puffs from a tub purchased at Costco
*I believe it doesn't qualify as a "snack" unless you can store it on your fingers for handy consumption while reading or watching television. Snacks may be facilitated via toothpick only if you are at the computer. 4. If you were a billionaire you would...
Oh Melba, you silly, I wouldn't change a thing except I'd do more of it.
Sorry guys, I'm too tired to tag anyone else, plus I wouldn't want any of you to risk psoriasis of the liver
We humans can only take only so many zippety doo dah days before we have the need to feel bad again and restore harmony to the universe. If you had been feeling far too good for far too long, why not come back down to earth by singing this little song.
My Least Favorite Things
(With apologies to Oscar Hammerstein II)
Bird poop on roses and mangy bald kittens
Aluminum kettles and moth eaten mittens
Brown paper packages with volatile things
That explode when I pull on the wrapping strings
Losing race ponies that shoot my caboodle
Door bell at midnight by neighbor with poodle
Vampire bats with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my least favorite things
Boys in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on the road and cause crashes
Last week Sonny and Cher started hanging out in a moldy little disused corner of my cerebellum singing I Got You Babe after I accidentally ingested some bad karaoke.
Not only did I have to put up with that whiny song, but I kept feeling Sonny’s mustache tickling my neck at odd moments. Some people call this an “ear worm” but I refuse to call it that because then I will be thinking of I Got You Babe and a worm grubbing around in my ear at the same time and I don’t think I can take it.
Because I am always looking out for your health and sanity, dear readers, and because I want to protect your brains moldy corners from invasive lyrics, I am providing you with a cautionary list of
SONGS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS
But here we run into a problem, because if I list these songs, just writing the titles will put the songs in your tender little mind and you will soon be pulling out all available body hair and jumping off cliffs before the day is over. So…I am going to describe the song in just enough detail for you to identify it, but
DO NOT LET THE LYRIC INTO YOUR
OR I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
1. This song is a query as to whom is culpable for setting the canines at liberty.
2. This song is a story about the king of the jungle and where he will slumber this evening.
3. This song is sung by hideous robotic children in ethnic costumes imprisoned in a cave inside the “Happiest Place on Earth”
4. This song is about ants striding in numeric formations
5. This song is sung by squishy purple dinosaur that walks on his hind legs and is on the “no fly list” in every major airport
6. This song is an apology from Britney Spears for a mistake she has repeated
7. This song is the union anthem sung by identical hordes of squatty candy makers in the employ of Mr. W. Wonka
8. This cyclical song is a commercial and request for food sung by cats in their own language
9. This song is about a blood pumping organ that will never fail (also associated with a doomed cruise ship that hit an iceberg)
If any of these horrible songs should leak its way inside your skull, plug your ears with your fingers and sing the Star Spangled Banner as loud as you can five times. At this point someone will probably hit you over the head with a stick and knock you unconscious. If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up with amnesia.
But then I found out he is on a field trip somewhere that isn't earth.
Therefore, or "hence" if you're a drama major, I am going to have to handle your science questions myself.
Aurelia, a young woman from Arizona asks:
Why is tanning so bad for you?
Well Aurelia, this is not only a science question, it is a science/health/social question. Hence, it has taken so much of my brain power to formulate an answer that a lay (or is it lie?) person can understand, that I felt dizzy, my toes went numb and I had to spend an hour in a recliner drinking Coke Vanilla Zero and watching Jack Bauer kill a bunch of people just to get the vigorosity to answer in my usual erudite manner.
1. You remember Mr. Sun don't you?
Well, even if Mr. Sun looks friendly and cheerful. HE IS NOT! He is, even as we speak, sending deadly U.V. (ultra violent) rays hurtling towards earth. Each U.V. ray is attached to a teensy weensy invisible arrow with a very sharp point. If you go out in the sun unprotected (without a ginormous straw hat the size of a beach umbrella or a quart of 50 proof sunscreen) you will be pelted with these invisible U.V. arrows; each of which will immediately burrow under your tender skin and let loose a toxin that will eventually turn your skin into
Oh wait, I think this one might be a rhino.
(Now don't get me wrong, I like leather as much as the next cowgirl, but I get sweaty if I have to sleep in it.)
2. Tanning booths are also dangerous! Do you really want to pay your hard earned bucks to be shut in a vertical/horizontal coffin in your birthday suit wearing goggles while manufactured ultraviolent ray darts are hurled at you by a gum chewing tattooed "technician" still working on her G.E.D.?
3. And lastly Aurelia... duh, you live in Arizona!!! Do you want to get arrested?
When I was ten I was forced to pound a blubbery bully underneath the bleachers at a basketball game in Thatcher, Arizona. I don't remember his offense, but it was obviously grevious because I had to be fuming with fury to muster enough power in my skinny snakelike arms to beat up anyone. Fortunately, I had honed my pugilistic techniques by pounding and being pounded by my brothers from the time we were toddlers. Let us bow respectfully to some worthy examples of the ancient art of self defense.
If Scarlett's oar doesn't kill you
the laser beams coming out her eyes will
One day Grasshopper, you will learn
to trim the hedges using only your hands...
like your big sister, Locust
Renee administers a fatal kiss via lethal lipgloss
to her ancient enemy, Aunt Annabelle
Arturo's moves are all contained within this book...
now available on Amazon.
Only $19.95: includes free throwing star
Bobbi Bowie(David Bowie's mother)
has been stuck in this position since 1984
Skip Fronske demonstrates his highly effective pose
while pleaing for donations to Professors without Borders
Skippy indicates his desire to have shish kebabs for dinner
This is the postcard Gordon sends to his kids
when they write home and ask for money
It was hard for Mom to tell which was the evil twin,
since both of them liked kitties
Maryann suddenly realized who she had heard howling
From time to time I like to provide public service because I am a good person. Some of you might call me a “giver”, especially if you ever want me to give you anything.
In that spirit I am giving to a very specific group; those who are currently pregnant or compiling meaningful baby names for the children that are at present only a gleam in the eye (or another unnamed sensation in another unnamed body part).
A child should be given a name that fits. They should not be given some random title that has nothing to do with who they really are, or who they will become. My list of baby names will help you look honestly at your child, and give them a name to aspire to, or settle into comfortably.
Incognita (woman of mystery)
Lackadaisy (easy going)
Punctualbert (always on time)
Shiftina (for the child that won’t look you in the eye. *See above)
All over the fruited plain children are guiltily thinking What in the Sam Hill can I give my mother/mother-in-law for a gift this year? All over the same fruited plain, mothers are thinking I swear if someone gives me another one of those statues of the little children with enormous heads, I’m going to scream!
This is where I come in, your online resource to three free and memorable gifts that are all about guilt.
1. Make this delicious recipe for edible flower pots filled with ice cream and topped with crumbled Oreos.
Instead of a gummy worm treat inside, dig up a real earthworm and hide him in the pot. (Don’t worry, earthworms adore ice cream!) When your mother/mother-in-law digs in and finds her organic surprise, she might try to make you feel guilty for feeding her a worm. This is where you turn it around and make her feel guilty by saying, “Hey, earthworms are revered in many cultures as a valuable source of protein.”
2. Go to your favorite fine jewelry establishment; i.e.Tiffany’s, Jared’s Galleria of Fine Jewelry, or the Pioneer Pawn Shop. Now I know what you’re thinking, I don’t have the cash to buy my Mom jewelry! Plus, she already has a mood ring. Well, just calm down smarty pants. You’re not buying jewelry; you’re buying the velvet box that jewelry comes in. Wrap up that velvet box in your prettiest paper and don’t forget the bow.
As mother/mother-in-law opens the gift she will see the velvety box emblazoned with a name that means quality. Before she cracks it open she will get all misty-eyed and look tenderly at you and say Oh now what have you gone and done? This is when you stare modestly down as she opens the lid. As she stares into the void she will look at you with a question in her eyes. This is your cue to say softly, It’s a box of love! If she doesn’t express the proper appreciation, it’s time to storm out of the house shouting, Fine. I don’t care if you don’t want my love! (This is why it is best to delay gift giving until you’ve had a chance to eat dinner.)
3. If your mother has been waiting for you to produce some quality grandchildren that she can brag about, The Gilded Day of Guilt is the perfect time to make that big announcement. Buy a cute baby rattle and tie a cute vintage bow around it. As she pulls the rattle out of the tasteful gift bag, shout Surprise!
When she is able to speak through her tears and ask questions, tell her that you are adopting a child for only pennies a day and that you have become a sponsor through Save the Children.
If she gives you any grief tell her you will get her a picture for her wallet.
If you are under thirty, you probably think Jamie Lee Curtis always looked like this...
A cute older woman with grey hair and undependable bowels that have now been cured by the neighborly bacteria in
But guess what...
she used to look like this!
(Back in the days when she was regular)
Although, come to think of it, sometimes she looked like this...
so maybe regularity has been a lifelong issue.
Because I am a woman of experience, I am going to offer a few "current hotties" a little career advice for the future.
The years are going to pass hotties, causing you to cool down. Eventually you will have to move on to promoting something beyond your looks: something that will pay the rent, buy cat food and pay your plastic surgery bills.
Hey Justin Timberlake
You can go from this to...
Timberlake Tatt Removal
Slogan: "A laser is a colored man's best friend"
Hey Edward Cullen
You can go from this to...
Ed's Dental Implants
Slogan: "Fight to keep your bite"
You can go from this to...
Slogan: "When You Can't Shake Your Bootie - Try a Scootie"
Hey Justin Bieber
You can go from this to...
Grown Men Don't Wear Hoodies to Cover Hair Loss
"The Environmental Gentlemen's Hair Club"
Slogan: "Real Men Wear Real Fur"
You can go from this to...
Because by the time you're 30,
the only $ you're going to have
is the one in the middle of your name
Slogan: "You Need Money-- and So Do I"
Hey Lady Gaga
You can go from this to...
Because apparently you already believe in the product.