Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My name is Nixon and I am not a Crook

My guest blogger today is my dog, who stole my camera and took pictures of his dog kingdom since he is not allowed in the house which is a people kingdom.  WARNING:  He is not well trained


Nixon...take it away.




We'll start with my best feature, which is my smooth furry hiney to which is attached my beguiling tail;  tipped in a white so brilliant that it rivals the new fallen snow sparkling under the cruel winter sun.  When I wave it to and fro it is mesmerizing to birds which is how I caught this one.


Oh don't give me those groans of disgust.  I'm a beagle and I come from a long line of distinguished hunters.  Okay, I actually came from Peoria, but I'm sure my grandpappy was a hunter, probably in England where they get to kill foxes, not wimpy grackles.  Grackles taste like crap.



This is the corner of my canine condo.  This is where I planned to woo the lady beagles until I took a spa vacation at Petco and came home feeling strangely neutral.



This is the tree I peed into greatness.



I have a side job harvesting vegetables from the garden.  I am trying to save my masters from nasty vegetables.


Sometimes I lie under this bench and pretend they are prison bars and that I have been sentenced to the gulag for selling family secrets to the Russians in exchange for a delicious sack of pig ears from Costco.  



This is my basil plant for when I want to redecorate my kingdom with pesto poop.




My name is Nixon
and I was named after 
a watch
not 
a President.











Monday, June 28, 2010

Don't Regurgitate - Compensate!

Sometime last week, after I ate a small tower of oreos and drank a long cool glass of la leche, I hit myself on the forehead in disgust.

After I peeled the crushed oreo imbedded in sweet lardy goodness off my forehead that I had inadvertently stuck there with my self punishing hand smack, I said to myself while I ate it...

Me:  This just won't do.  Sweet oreo lard is extremely bad for your complexion, and besides, you are a good person who should be able to eat oreos without self flagellation.

Me:  I should?


Me:  Darn tootin'.

Me:  Well, what can we do about all the fat and calories?

 
Me:  For one thing, we're going to quit talking to ourselves and work this out in the laboratory.

Me:  Can I bring the oreos?


Me:  Sure:




And so, dear readers, after a day and a night and a day of testing, a 200 pack of latex gloves, a close call with an explosion  of purple smoke and complaints from the neighbors, I present to you:


Diet Equalizers

This is the deal.  

When you eat something naughty that you will be wearing on your thighs within 24 hours, consult the following equalizer list and counteract your indulgence with sensible compensating behavior.

 NAUGHTY FOOD                               ANTIDOTE

1/2 package Oreos                                One large bunch
                                                                of well chewed celery

Chimichanga w/guacamole                   9 orange habanero
                                                                 chili peppers to speed
                                                                 metabolism into turbo

State fair funnel cake                             1 ride on the tilt-a-hurl

Extra large movie popcorn                    158 involuntary muscle
                                                                  contractions while
                                                                  watching Karate Kid
                                                                  remake

Cheeseburger and fries                          3 large charcoal briquets
                                                                  with grease absorbent
                                                                   capabilities

Top layer of 1 lb. box                              3 lbs. of pulverized
of Sees Nuts and Chews                           peanut shells to 
                                                                   serve as roughage
                                                                   transfer substance



My laboratory is open for further experimentation.  What do you need an antidote for?                                           

 

Friday, June 25, 2010

McCranky over McToys


 

McDonald's happy meals are making some people very cranky.  Those insidious happy meal toys are luring children into plumpness by the boatload.  The healthy folks of Santa Clara, CA have lead by example banning:
  • happy meal toys
  • ranch dressing as a beverage
  • spandex (corpulence should not be comfortable)
The spirit of scientific research lead me into the neighborhood to find out what the average american thinks about this vital issue.


 "There's nothing wrong with a good toy.  Personally, dressing like one has improved my social life by 58%."



"Ban the stinkin' toys.  Playing with toys 
wastes valuable eating time."



 "If you take away my happy toys my head will
spin around in circles and I will haunt 
you for the rest of your pathetic life."



 "I could use a good happy meal right about now."



"Yodel aye ee hoo!"






"I've eaten plenty of happy meals and I'm still not happy.
Leave me alone."






Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The General Gets Rolling Stoned

Please stay tuned for a guest blogger 
who just became available today!


 We'll ask him to look in his McChrystal ball 
to give us predictions on the future of 
Obama as commander in chief
or
maybe he has some delicious recipes to share.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's Bear Season


I'm not much of a hunter

But if you've got

a gun to spare

I'll gladly shoot

this nasty bear

wearing the square

on his derriere.



Sunday, June 20, 2010

Horrorscope

If This Year is Your Birthday




Aries (the Wind) 
The perfect time to give up exercising and begin the Krispy Kreme Kleanse is this week.  Don't let the sirens at the gym lure you anywhere near.  You belong on the couch until at least the 19th.








 

Taurus (the Car)
Rethink your vacation plans at the inlaws.  Indulging in mending family fences will backfire and forest fire danger is extreme.  Lay low and pray for rain.



Gemini (the Spaceship)
Overdue library book will result in arrest warrant.  Approaching  outside book receptacle at library after midnight clad in a balaclava and black bodystocking and stealthily slipping "Scandal in Scandinavia" with a $20 bill tucked inside, only possible chance at avoiding the pokey.






 
Cancer (the tropic)
Listening to J.D. Hayworth campaign robocall in entirety will result in lifetime addiction to corn pone and banjo music.  When in doubt, screen it out





Leo (Tolstoy)
Avoid paper.  Paper cut threat is acute. Toilet tissue hazard equally grim due to sliver possibility.  It is a good week to indulge in constipation.



Virgo (the Dizzy)
Your lucky number is 5.  Repeat: your lucky number is 5.  If you do not understand what this means, then your lucky number is 6.  Repeat: your lucky number might also be 6.



 
Libra (the Book)
You're probably still unsure about whether to spend $9 to see "Karate Kid".  Movie choice will pay off only if you concentrate and channel your inner Miyagi.




 


Scorpio (the Pest)
Time to seek investment advice, but only if financial guru has substantial facial hair.  Extreme style will equal extremely profitable results.








 

Sagittarius (the Droopy)
Doing an anonymous good deed for a stranger will keep you looking over your shoulder this week as you wait for a stranger to do an anonymous good deed for you which will result in a cricked neck.








 






Capricorn (the Vegetable)
Family responsibilities will be heavy this week.  Consider letting everyone walk instead of carrying them piggyback.











Aquarius (the Fishtank)
Romance a definite possibility if you are willing to overlook noxious odor and joblessness.



Pisces (the Formula)
Adopting a homeless animal should be postponed until spousal debate over nature vs. nurture is resolved satisfactorily.  Until then,  frolic in the park with random dogs until they are whisked away by suspicious strangers.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Codgeriatricity

When I accused my husband Mark, (who I am going to call Marcus for purposes of anonymity) of acting like an old Codger he just started to laugh and didn't deny it.  Of course if you know what an old Codger is that means you automatically are one.  Women of course, cannot be old Codgers.  We avoid codgeriatricity like the plague.

However, we women do get old and I think we need a cool song to sing about olderness, so I have adapted, aka "stolen" the lyrics of "Hey Soul Sister" from Train to fit my purposes.

Hey Old Sister 
Train
(Adapted by Larainy Days)

Hey, hey, hey

You've got lipstick stains
on your front tooth
also spider veins
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind

Your wrinkle cream
The smell of you in every
Single dream I dream
Ever since our carts collided
In the parking lot at Walmart
Our love could not subside

Hey old sister
Don't you call me mister
I'm just old like you, gray like you
The way we move ain't fast, you know
Hey old sister
I can't hear 
a single thing you say
Tonight

Hey, hey, hey

Just in time
I'm so glad you have
A sluggish mind like me
You give backseat direction
 Offer me the whole sport section
Make me wanna cry

I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat
Right out my hair chest
I need my digitalis
Oh how can you be so callous
and I'm sure I'm going to blow out my heart valve

Hey old sister
Don't you call me mister
I'm just old like you, gray like you
The way we move ain't fast, you know
Hey old sister
I can't hear 
A single thing you say
Tonight
 The way you vacuum the rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So peppy, I'm a slug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of

You see, I can be myself now finally
In fact I'll let my eyebrows grow
Listen to Glenn Beck's talk show
Hey old sister
Don't you call me mister
I'm just old like you
The way we move ain't fast, you know
Hey old sister
I can't hear 
a single thing you say
Tonight


Hey old sister
I can't hear 
a single thing you say
Tonight
Hey, hey, hey
Tonight
Hey, hey hey
Tonight




Thursday, June 17, 2010

Recycle, Thy Name is Dex

It was so cute to see the new phone books arrive yesterday loaded in horse drawn wagons.  The whole neighborhood came out to watch them being delivered by fresh faced young lads dressed in hand sewn trousers held up with suspenders over muslin blouses laced with a strip of rawhide.


Thanks Dex, for keeping the past alive, but next time just bring me a tree.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

With Apologies to Emma Lazarus



I have spent the last hour staring at myself in the mirror and having the following conversation.

Me:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  What are you talking about?

Me:  Oh like you don't know.

Me:  I don't have a clue what you're talking about

(Child pounds on bathroom door)

Child:  Who are you talking to in there?

Me:  Go away, this is a private conversation

Child:  Can I have a popsicle?

Me:  Yes, but only the otter pops, the Dove Bars are mine

Child:  That's not fair.

Me:  If you had been paying attention in Geometry you would have figured that out by now.  Go get your popsicle and then mow the lawn and clean the whole house from top to bottom.

(Dead silence as child stealthily tiptoes away, pretending not to have heard the last part.)

Me:  Where were we?

Me:  You were accusing me of possessing some defect .


Me:  It isn't an accusation, it is a fact.  You have a foible.


Me:  (Heavy sigh whilst examining freakishly enlarged pores in mirror)  I forget, does a foible grow on your face or on your bum?


Me:  A foible is a character flaw, woman.  Sometimes you are so obtuse!


Me:  No need to bring up the weight issue again.  (Eyelids droop in  familiar mournful expression)


Me:  Everyone you know is training for a marathon or giving up sugar or improving in some way.  What are doing?  You are going nowhere, baby.


Me:  Oh yeah?  Well... I'll tell you what I'm doing.  I'm...


Me:  I know what you're doing...you're eating Dove Bars and reading novels while your indentured children clean your house.


Me:  I'm teaching them the value of work.


Me:  But what about you, what are you doing to improve yourself?


Me:  Well, at the moment I'm checking to make sure I don't have any extra long nose-hairs.  Those gross me out.


Me:  Why don't you train for a marathon, how about even a half marathon?


Me:  Can't do it.


Me:  What about giving up Marshmallow Maties, or Oreos, or something.  Can't you give up something?


Me:  I did give up something.  I gave up training for marathons and quitting sugar.  And I did it because I'm so unselfish that I am sacrificing myself so others may feel superior.


Me:  What the...


Me:  (Shoulders back, in authoritative Maya Angelou voice.  Battle Hymn of the Republic begins to fade in)

I'm the blogger people can come to me when they are tired after running 13 miles.  I'm the blogger people can come to when they have passed up free Krispy Kremes at the office.  I'm the blogger that says; give me your tired, your hungry huddled masses yearning to breathe in cotton candy.  The wretched rejects from the teeming track.  Send these, the blistered, donut deprived to me.  I lift my bad example outside the bathroom door!


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Things You Should Not Buy Used




Since I bruise like an old banana, and tend to walk into walls, I would probably be dead now if I didn't have a husband that the kids call 

"Mr Safety"


So in my concern for you, dear readers, may I offer my own well researched safety tips:

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BUY USED


1.  A country.  










I hear Greece is for sale but it is extremely old, most of the buildings are in ruins and all they have left in the treasury are 18,000 kilograms of i.o.u.s and some wizened olives.   
Not a good deal!





 







2.  A Hairstyle

  









Just because Aunt Cynthia's hairstyle looks marvelous on her and has carried her to great heights in the world of fashion, snagged her the man of her dreams and immersed her in the world of international intrigue, doesn't mean it will look good on you.  
Dream up your own original poufy extravaganza!
 




3.  Homework   













Every English teacher in America is tired of hearing the same old story about how Romeo was an overbearing misogynist who caused guilt feelings in vulnerable young Juliet that caused her to become bulimic, drink poison, barf it up and come back to life only to find Romeo had killed himself to make her feel guilty.  SHE HAS HEARD IT ALL BEFORE!  

Quit buying used homework!





 



4.  Recipe Books





















Think about it.  Do you really want to eat food made from a book that someone has tested and rejected?  Check the book for crumbs and spills.  If it is clean it is really a loser.  Leave it alone and call your mother.  Nothing thrills Mom like getting a call for her Rice Krispie Treats recipe.  She'll cry with gratitude.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Not Only the Carpet Was Red

It is so sad that many of you, my dear readers, are so out of touch with the beeyoooteefull people currently being adored by the rest of the world, that I am forced to inform you about a recent cultural highlight called

The M.T.V. awards

These awards are given to people who watch the M.OST T.V. and as you would expect, it is a GREAT HONOR!!!  

Celebrities come from far and wide to see which of their friends has chalked up the most hours sitting on their bum during the past year   and famous people brush their teeth, dress up and prance around for the cameras.  

Since you missed it, I am going to recap some of the most exciting red carpet moments so you won't feel like such an old geezer if somebody much cooler than you asks you about it.

 Of course the first celeb on the scene is always Miss Gay Paree Hilton, who was in such a rush to beat the crowd she just wore the feathers that stuck to her tanning oil after the huge pillow fight she had with her sister Nicky in their Hilton Hotel room 
(which she stays in for free)


This little lady recently returned from a successful bass fishing trip 
and is proudly wearing her catch around her neck.  
Looks like she caught her limit!



Some men are bothered by their 
diminutive stature (aka paltry elevation)
others, like Seth Green, date tall women who 
can reach the Pepto Bismol from the 
medicine cabinet on top of the refrigerator 
without standing on their pedicured toes





Here she is, fresh from "Blue Day" at kindergarten
and "Invisible Day" at Skanky School, Miss Katie Perry




Hey, how did my plumber get in?




Poor Christina, looks like she tried to clean up 
the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico all by herself. 


























 Oh I'm so confused, which is the "Rock"
and
which is the figure skater?





Proud new owner of a double wide 
recently installed in Waldo's Trailer Town,
Miss Lindsay Lohan





Shaun White has discovered the joy
of the nude adult onesie 



Now go plomp down on your 
lazy bum and catch up on your TV.  
Keeping you people cultured is wearing me out.



All images can be  found here

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Small Poetry

Can there be anything more culturally uplifting 
than combining American song lyrics 
with the venerable Japanese poetry form...

Haiku?
(which is a onomatopoeia. in the Japanese language for "sneeze"


 



If I could save time
In a bottle it might smell
like mildewed gym socks



 

Imagine there’s no
heaven and pretty soon you’re
heading straight to hell









 
I’m leavin on a
jet plane and only get a
tiny bag of pretzels








 


Papa was a rollin’ stone
‘til pounded into gravel
by our big mama








 



The long and winding
road often makes me throw up
out the car window












 


I’ve seen fire and I’ve
seen rain and I’m probably
not gettin s’mores







 


You can’t always get
what you want especially
if you have no cash







 




Ooo ooo witchy woman you
Wear a hairnet at the school
cafeteria










Desperado, why
don’t you come to your senses
And take the plea deal?