Monday, July 26, 2010

July....goodbye

Dear Readers,


I am going to be gone this week.  Can you guess where I'll be?



 a.  To Washington D.C. to pass on my top secret information to congressional subcommittee that Zac Efron is a Russian spy produced in a test tube because no one has eyes that color without genetic manipulation. AND that he has already mesmerized millions of vulnerable young women who are even now teetering on the dangerous brink of communist activity.







b.  To the Gulf with my shark to steam sea gulls.









c.  To a crumbling villa in Tuscany where I will lie on a blow up mattress eating cheese while feral cats wearing tiny felt berets roam through the grape vines that serve as European feline headquarters. 






While I am gone, I suggest you read or reread my life changing Environmental Romance Series 

You can find part one here.
 followed by
 part two
          part three 
                  part four
                          part five
                                 part six
                                      part seven 
                                             part eight
                                                        part nine 
                                                                 part ten 

and finally...get out yer kleenex for 
                                                       part eleven: the final chapter 



Friday, July 23, 2010

The Road Not Taken

When my mind wanders back to my youth, I sometimes heave a sigh for the many roads I left untraveled.  Sometimes this was due to lack of gas money, other times it was due to my poor sense of direction.  But every year when I plop on the couch with a tower of oreos and a glass of skim milk to watch the Miss America Pageant, I heave an especially poignant sigh over that unexplored runway of possibility.







I had the dress



















I had the shoes











I had the hat







I had the platform

Preserve Endanger Species Today
(P.E.S.T.)



I had the talent 

Cheese ball juggling

And I had the acceptance speech

...and I'd like to thank my mother, who gave me my first Barbie, and my brothers who taught my Barbie survival skills by making her a parachute and throwing her off the barn into the cow manure, where she taught me a valuable lesson about enduring adversity...

The only thing I lacked was adequate sponsorship.  Oh sure I had the usual small town lineup; Western Auto Hardware ($50.00), Fernie's Dairy Freeze ($30.00 and free french fries), Les Ballard's Garage (1 free oil change), Eastside Pigs  (50.00 and a side of bacon), The Beefmaster Cattle Ranch (an orphan calf to raise and sell), and Aunt Augusta ($10.00 and a pack of raisins).  But it just wasn't enough.

I'm just going to have to live with the regrets.






                                       

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Parent Trap II

The London Evening Standard
 Lindsay Lohan cheered in prison as she begins 90-day sentence
  Last updated at 09:25am on 21.07.10

The troubled actress arrived at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California at around 10am in tears, to chants of "We love you, Lindsay" as the prison was shut down for an hour for her arrival.
Prisoner Tiffany Hawes, who was being released from the centre at the time of the actress' arrival, said: "Lindsay was crying when she came in. She was handcuffed but seemed calm. We all started saying 'God bless you Lindsay' and saying 'Hi' to her and then she smiled at us."


Who knew that Lindsay's first movie, "The Parent Trap" was going to be prophetic, at least the "trap" part.  Actually, I think the skills assimilated in this first movie by the young miss Lohan, might give our troubled Hollywood highness the skills to cope with life in the joint.



The gals in the slammer all love a good game of poker, especially when you're willing to gamble with your hair extensions








 Since Lindsay won't have a roomate, it's great that she 
perfected the art of talking to herself at such an early age.






Keeping your hands up in a defensive position, ever poised to deliver a well placed karate chop should help protect her assets.





A weekly letter to a nondysfunctional imaginary family should calm the nerves and pass the time.






I hear the warden in her section is a real law and order type.



Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Character Formation: Family Vacation



You see the flickering screens in every vacation bound minivan on the summer highway.  Children, strapped and clipped and tied to Houdini proof seats, sit mesmerized, eating  goldfish crackers by the hypnotized handful.  Laughing, cavorting cartoon figures dance in front of glazed eyes and scream into earbuds parked in tiny ears while parents luxuriously listen to anything that isn't the Madagascar soundtrack.  It is so sad.


When I was a kid, my family vacations prepared me for life in the real world.  Numerous brothers and sisters  and I squeezed into every inch of our seatbelt optional station wagon.  We preferred fighting, but occasionally banded together in bouts of silly comraderie that made our parents long for discord.


We jiggled the skin of our throats to produce an unnatural vibrato as we sang the same song over and over.  We took turns passing gas and lying about it.  We ignored each other and tried to read.  We read over each other's shoulders in the time honored method to drive someone crazy.  We accused each other of having a girlfriend/boyfriend, naming the most disgusting person we could think of; notorious glue and booger eaters, kids who actually ate the stewed prunes on their cafeteria trays, weirdos who liked Mr. Spock better than Captain Kirk.


We pinched each other, we practiced armpit farts, formed and broke alliances.  We begged mom to stop for ice cream, we begged  dad to stop so we could pee.  His response was always the same "We'll stop when your teeth start to float."  

  
We  negotiated, we endured, we loved and hated each other through miles of countryside in which we occasionally accidentally observed what our parents had brought us miles to see.  We ended our vacation stronger and wiser.



I'd be willing to bet that Survivorman got his early training in a crowded station wagon, wedged in between smelly siblings on a 1000 mile road trip without a DVD player.


Eating lizards is nothing in comparison.



Monday, July 19, 2010

Things that go bump in the night

...Can't wait to see the twins at the family reunion


It's so hard to believe that they're only fraternal!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Sweet Competition

It has been a rough week at the Candyland Camp: Competitive Division here in the Gumdrop Mountains.  I have been training for the winter finals against some of the top contenders of the Candyland world.


The schedule has been grueling.


6:00 a.m.     Wakeup yoga with Plumpy



8:00 a.m.     Granola and gooey gumdrops with Gramma Nut

9:00 a.m.  Strategy with Lord Licorice

12:00 p.m.  Light lunch with Gloppy                        

 


1:00 p.m.  Deceptive Body Language training with Lolly



4:00  Jujitsu and throwing stars with Queen Frostine


6:00 p.m.  Dinner with Mr. Mint

7:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.  Color recognition training with Jolly



King Kandy is somewhat of a control freak, a real hands on camp director.  He is tough but fair and scholarships are available if you are not able to come up with the tuition, which is pricey.  ($8,900 for a week of intensive training, including room and board - double occupancy).  You will make many new friends, and a few enemies.



Some tips I have learned that will hopefully take me all the way to the 2010 World Finals in Hershey, PA

1.  Forget those namby pamby gingerbread kids.  Get yourself a token that will intimidate the competition.


2.  Slow licking of a lollipop during a game will drive your opponent to distraction, especially if he doesn't have one...a great way to throw him off his game.

3.  Crunching peanut brittle; ditto.


4.  Rainbow Trail and Gumdrop Pass need to be utilized to be effective.  Don't forget these vital elements as you pass the gingerbread plum trees and the licorice castle.

5.  A wily young competitor will pout, eyes will flood with tears and will often threaten to "go tell my mama" but don't be fooled.  All the youngsters care about is winning at all costs.  Don't give in!


6.  Don't be diverted by your opponents burping and farting digressions.  These are techniques routinely practiced by the most experienced Candyland professionals.  Keep your cool.


Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Preguntas, Por Favor

The email is piling up and my computer is 'threatening to blow'.  Don't worry if you don't understand what 'threatening to blow' means, it is a technical phrase only understood by highly trained experts such as myself.  

Dear Larainy Days,

Will man ever walk on the moon again?

Izzie
Louisville Kentucky





Well Izzie, apparently you folks down yonder in Kentucky have got way too much time on yer hands ever since Dan'l Boone killed all the bears and Johnny Appleseed planted all those thar apple trees.  You need to head on out to the barn and take care of that spindly legged new colt that you are vainly hopin' will become a Kentucky Derby longshot winner so you can wear a dorky hat and drink mint juleps.  I reckon you need to let the rest of us worry about what is happening in outer space.

Editorial note:  I like to reply to my readers in a language or dialect that they will understand 

 

Dear Larainy Days,
 
What is is store for Miley Cyrus?  She was so cute and innocent, but now every time I see her she is wearing hot pants.

Ethel
Erie, Pennsylvania




Oh Ethel, I hate to be the one to break this to you because obviously that is the job of "People" Magazine, but little Miley has been adopted by Lindsay Lohan and they are going into business together and developing a model for smoothies made of nonfat yogurt, wheatgrass and vodka.  If you want information on a franchise you will have to agree that all your employees will wear hotpants.



Dear Larainy Days,

 What do you think about Apple's newest version of the iphone?

Waldo
Sulphurdale, Utah

Dear Waldo, 

Anything that can be repaired with duct tape can't be all bad. 
 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Don't Fight Twilight

Eclipse Closing In On A Half A BILLION Dollars At Box Office!



















But what did your neighbors think of it?







"I laughed."


"I cried"





"Frankly, I'm sick and tired of the canine discrimination.  
Now if they made the next movie with some buff Cherokees 
turning into a WereChows they might really be on to something."







"We're from Forks and Twilight has changed our lives."




"It was totally worth the week I spent with Mom, 
waiting in line to see the midnight movie."





"The first book in the Twilight series was 
responsible for our first son, Emmett."




"New Moon brought us little Cullen."





"If Stefani Meyers writes another book, I swear I'll kill her."

All pictures can be found here

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Road Less Traveled

We all come to pivotal moments during our lives.  

Moments 
to choose
whether we will 
 follow the road that will allow us to look in the mirror 
and see 
the melted chocolate scavenged from the bottom of our purse 
smeared all over our face

or


whether we will give in and follow the crowd.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Nuptial Knowledge

It is our wedding anniversary today.  Anniversary is such a beautiful word.  Let us break it into parts, dear reader, so that we may glean the golden nuggets of meaning that shimmer within.




Anni which means never forget 
 ver which means or 
 sary which means your life is in peril.


 



As my mind wanders back through the crags, past foggy curtains and through the dusty unused corners of my brain, a few thoughts surface, glimmering like a school of anchovies swimming through the oil clogged surface of the Gulf of Mexico.



Back then he was the man of my dreams...

Now

He interrupts my dreams with his snoring and I, in turn interrupt his dreams with the gentle stirring of the covers as I unconsciously set free my extraneous air in a ladylike manner.




Back then he made my heart race...

Now

We race for the remote and as our hands touch he frantically tries to find ESPN as I search for Law and Order reruns and after the melee we fall, panting on the couch, our hearts beating like the jungle drums on the NatGeo channel.






Back then we thought that love made the world go round...

Now

We know that love of underbaked chocolate chip cookies with a dollop of Dreyers double vanilla ice cream make both the world and our bodies go round.


Back then we thought that love was blind
Now

We are both blind without our stinkin' glasses and grateful to be blind on a more or less regular basis.



Back then we thought that love meant never having to say you're sorry...

Just kidding, neither of us was ever that stupid.