Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cowboy logic



Thanks to my brother J. Scott for this little slice of cowboy life.  I know it's authentic cowboy because cowboys don't spell check or they would realize how to spell realize.  

Oh wait a gol' darn minute.  Hold yer horses there.   I just realised this is probably a cowboy from the U.K. because...

a)  That's how you spell "realise" across the pond

and

b)  He could be riding aWelsh Mountain Pony disguised as a Quarter horse

and

c)  The cowboy looks remarkably like Prince Charles.* 

Spot on!

*couldn't resist stealing that comment from Debbie, a dear reader

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Fame


"In the future

everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes"




 and


 you get
another fifteen
just 
for being famously obnoxious


Sunday, September 26, 2010

I Have Seen Many Moons




 For my nervous readers who have lots of cats and wear scarves and mood rings, I once again bring you 


Larainy Looks Up
Astrology for the Uninformed 
 
The Moon in Taurus opposes Venus and Mars today, providing a display in the night sky like nothing you have seen since that weekend in the sixties when you accidentally swallowed your mother's liver rejuvenation pills, mistaking them for M&M's. This is a great time to explore the chemistry between you and your lab partner.  Lunch in the cafeteria could provide exactly the right opportunity to get closer.

Aries - the wind
Time to reassess those financial goals.  Retirement is not going to achieved by surreptiously digging money out of the couch cushions whenever you get invited somewhere.  Also, it is too late to buy gold because no one wears it anymore, it is soooo last season!



 
Taurus - the car
Just because your romantic life has been like a sappy Nicholas Spark's novel for the past two weeks doesn't mean the spark will turn into a flame that will start a fire that will burn down a forest.  Keep alternative marshmallow toasting options open.







Gemini - the spaceship
That bum that you gave your spare change to was not Bill Gates in disguise searching for a kind person to reward with a billion dollars and a vacation home in Aspen with a Range Rover in the driveway.  Grow up and start being nice because your mother told you to.


Cancer - the tropic
The bump on your noggin is a pimple not a tumor.  Cancel your appointment with Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care, quit picking at it and go take a nap.


Leo - the Tolstoy
Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care has an opening.  Time to quit putting off that colonoscopy because your moon needs to descend.



Virgo - the dizzy
The world will not collapse if you eat another lb. of candycorn.  Your support for the Iowa candycorn farmers will enable them to eschew federal subsidies and fill their candycorn silos with fresh product.






Libra - the book
Trimming your overgrown toenails will rejuvenate your lovelife and/or bring a fresh romantic interest your way.  $10 investment in pediegg will pay off romantically within three days.









Scorpio - the pest
Trust your sense of smell.  It is time to give up on broccoli.  The cancer fighting properties of this dark green vegetable is not worth the social estrangement caused during cooking/bodily processing.





Sagittarius - the droopy
Consider a change of career this week, especially if you are still getting paid in expired coupons and sample packets of licorice poptarts.

Capricorn - the vegetable
You will lose your ebay bid on Elvis Presley's surgically removed goiter.

Aquarius - the fish tank

Back up your hard drive.  Immmediately after backing up, pull forward, park and put on the emergency brake.


Pisces - the formula
Avoid financial advisers who tell you that legally changing your children's names to Malia and Sasha will help you avoid federal income tax.


 
  

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Would You Believe?

 


In spite of my husband's fear that listening to NPR will turn my brain into a liberal square of organic tofu, I persist... tuning in to Rush Limbaugh for counterbalance.  

1 Hour of NPR = 10 minutes of Rush (because he is quite a hefty lad)





A regular feature of NPR's programming is called "This I Believe" 
which is based on a 1950s radio program of the same name.  Americans from all walks of life share the personal philosophies and core values that guide their daily lives. 

Well dear readers, since I am only a semi-copycat I am introducing a feature that I call

This I Don't Believe

because what you don't believe is sometimes just as important as what you do.

Let's get started, shall we?

 I don't believe that you went to Senior Prom with George Clooney and that he was desperately in love with you and asked you to marry him but then he tripped on your porch step and fell and hit his head on the decorative garden gnome in your flower bed which gave him a traumatic brain injury and persistent amnesia which caused him to forget you and go on to a spectacular career in TV and movies but to have lost true love.   
This I don't believe

I don't believe that Hydroxycut will change you to this...

from this


After only a few short weeks and some hair extensions and new gym clothes.   
This I don't believe





 I don't believe that chanting 

Good night sleep tight
Don't let the bed bugs bite

 Is a 100% effective protection against a New York City infestation of tiny critters anxious to hitchhike home with you after you visit the Big Apple because..."start spreadin' the news, they're leavin' in your suitcase today.  They want to bite a part of you..."  

This I don't believe


 I don't believe that your grandson, Ignatius


Is anywhere near as cute as my grandchild; with or without a pig
This I don't believe





I don't believe that your goldfish


Can beat up my Siamese fighting fish, Benny.  Especially if I get him really mad
This I don't believe

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Feline Discipline





Even though Cecil loves his cat, sometimes he has to discipline him using humiliation

And it works until the fur grows back



cats and people found here

Monday, September 20, 2010

Time to Play Hookie






Wake up you lazy bums, the weekend is over.  
Snap out of your lethargy, pull up your supportive hosiery and get cracking!

Just kidding, my dear readers.  I thought I would give you a wee taste of what my children hear on Monday morning (minus the supportive hosiery).  


Actually, my advice to you is to skip work, crawl back in your invitingly tousled bedclothes, nestle your weary head on your fragrant pillow and sleep until noon, rising refreshed to take a luxurious shower amidst rivers of moisturizing sudsy body wash, rinse and then air dry while singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" in that warbly voice that only your Mother loves...because she is profoundly deaf.



With the rest of your day,  you may choose from the following cheering alternatives:




Purchase a fresh crisp bunch of organic celery from your local farmer's market.  Be sure to buy from the folks wearing straw hats, faded denim who are chewing organic blades of grass.



Take one stalk of celery and adroitly skewer an exquisite bon bon of your choice.  Delicately nibble the chocolate from the celery stalk until the pathway through your mouth/throat/stomach is thoroughly coated with chocolatey liquid silk. If you are worried about your weight, you may now chew the disgustingly healthy celery stalk which will burn off all the delicious calories you have just consumed plus 5 bonus calories.  Hence, the more chocolate/celery combinations you consume, the more calories you will burn.  







Go to the zoo and hang around at the orangutan exhibit.  When a mother with a small child approaches, make her day by telling her that her boy/girl is almost as cute as the little creature behind the moat playing "catch the poo" with his little orangutangy cousin.  Remember: nothing helps elevate your mood faster than service!!!




With a pair of scholarly eyeglass perched on your nose, stroll through your local Barnes and Noble bookstore offering to autograph whatever books people are buying.  (Be sure to check the cover so you spell the author's name correctly and try not to pick an author that has been dead for more than 50 years)  Remember, sloppy autographs are authentic autographs.  This is one area where neatness doesn't count and for heaven's sake don't dot your i's with little hearts unless you are autographing Stephen Hawking's new book.




Have a wonderful day!







Mother found here

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Craving For Saving

There are some TV shows that flat out change your life;  

The Beverly Hillbillies (Because Jethro showed me what to look for in a man)





Underdog  (Because just knowing that dogs can fly made my childhood feel a lot more secure)


Flipper (Because I came within a whisker of not being able to tell the difference between dolphins and sharks








The Partridge Family (Because I learned the difference between boys like David Cassidy (Flipper) and Danny Bonaduce (Shark)
 







Dallas (Because every red blooded American needs to understand big oil)







Jeopardy (Because shouting out answers phrased in the form of a question at the TV while Alex Trebek smiles encouragingly is like drinking a frosty rootbeer float on a hot day while floating down the Salt River on a big rubber tube.







I stumbled on another life changing TV show last week that looked something like this...
 

Watching Hoarders kept me awake all night, but with the morning light came purpose.

Me:  Quick, take out this garbage.

Joey:  Why?  It's only half full.

Me:  Get it out, get it out of here now!  Don't cling to your past son, you've got to let it go.

Joey:  I'm just saying...  Hey, give me back my yogurt.

Me:   Ha!  See, now you're saving yogurt cartons!  Next you're going to be winding up used dental floss around them, stuffing them with stale pop tart shards and storing next to your empty toilet paper rolls filled with hair from your hair brush.

Joey:  I only took one bite of that yogurt.  I wasn't finished.

Me:  Oh my goodness, the Goodwill truck is here.  Go get your sister.

Joey:   Why?

Me:  (Flipping quarter)  Call it in the air kids, one of you has to go.


Monday, September 13, 2010

The Long Goodbye



 If your employer has any sensitivity and is not a communist sympathizer, you probably have the day off work in order to properly prepare for and view the kickoff show for the kickthebucket season of OPRAH.  Dear readers, as many of you may remember, me and "Her Oprahness" are like this  



Well, maybe we're not exactly like this because my hands are a lot more wrinkly and I've never had a manicure and I don't believe in flashing gang signs, but the point is we're very close.

And because you, dear reader, are also very close, I've decided to give you a little insider sneak peak into the coming kickthebucket/burndownthehouse/pulloutthestops very last season of Oprah.


Depending on your degree of dedication to view every life changing show of the very last season ever of all time while the universe weeps, you may or may not be viewing...


 Laugh Lessons With the Dalai Lama
How to Bring Down the House With Jokes That Feed the Soul



 Cooking Wild With Ted Nugent
Killin' and Grillin': Eating Our Environment





 












 




Ground Breaking Band:
Rodent Rage
Can Famous Producer and Celebrity-Maker David Foster Really Make Vermin
Into Pop Stars?





Burger King Unveiled
Oprah Asks the Hard Question:  Why Not Burger Queen?




Style With Suri Cruise
 
Oprah Probes Delicately To Find Out 
The Depth of Psychological Damage
Suffered by Suri Cruise
Because Of Being Forced to Wear Stylishly Coordinated Outfits
Every Day Since Birth






Thursday, September 9, 2010

Girls Rule, Boys Drool

Children all over America's fruited plain are back in school.  Fresh crayons are being unsharpened, new backpacks are being left on the playground, Little Debbies are being wolfed down at lunch and the nutritious peanut butter banana honey sandwich cut in the shape of a star is being tossed in the garbage.  Kids learn so fast!

In a series of searching interviews, I found out what the man/kid/woman on the street has to say about the school experience.


Leonard enjoys watching out for his little brother Bart, 
but Bart knows that Leonard is really the one who needs watching.








Allen couldn't wait for show and tell because 
no one else in kindergarten 
had a Mom with hair that
could conceal a Spiderman lunchbox




This is exactly the sort of picture you can expect 
when the photographer says 
"Saaaaaay Boogie Man that lives under your bed!"






Mom made us all get perms 
to save on blow drying time in the morning.




Sure, we look tough, but Skippy and I
still secretly wear our Winnie the Poo underwear








You may be surprised to know that Dee and I were 
both suspended for having too much school spirit.




Etta Mae and I were the only girls at Field Elementary 
that had to milk three cows before breakfast