Saturday, April 30, 2011

Weddings Both Real and Royal


I had scones and bangers for brekkie, and cucumber sandwiches with crisps for lunch.  I'm worn out from chinwagging with fellow anglophiles about the grand wedding day of the brilliant pair, Wills and Kate.  Wasn't that dress spot on for a newly minted Royal Highness?   Sigh.


I'm taken back nearly 30 years ago to my own wedding day.  It was in 1981 that Diana Spencer and I both became engaged and wed the men of our dreams in July.










I wore polyester for the engagement photo














 










 Diana wore silk 


                  






Diana had a wedding gown made by her favorite designer, Elizabeth Emanuel











 

I wore a dress made by my favorite designer,  my Mum





 

Diana and her Prince drove to the reception in a four hp carriage.














 




We drove an old  Audi with broken air conditioning and a 300 hp engine that subtracted 95 carbon credits each time my handsome new husband hit the gas pedal.







This year we are celebrating 30 years of nuptial bliss (Which, incidentally was the phrase permanently emblazoned on our beautifully decorated Audi hood with menthol shaving cream during our reception).  

My wish for this new royal couple is for a married life as full as ours; full of new babies, flat tires, crying at night and laughing in the morning, staying at home, traveling, fighting, making up... sorrows and joys all borne together.  Cheers!


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Electrocharged Banalities


 Walter Floody recently decided to abandon his mission statement.


 image found here

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...

It’s about dancing in the rain.”

Monday, April 25, 2011

A Dollar's Worth of Enlightenment

More Low Hanging Fruit From

In that magical store where your money is no good, unless it is a dollar, there are wonders to behold.  As you will remember, the first fruit that Larainy plucked from the dollar tree for review was the grow snake, a marvelous find which grew 700% as promised, but promptly unplumped when removed from the bathtub.  Excuse me, but I have never enjoyed bathing with reptiles.

Our next foray into dollar-land takes a mysterious oriental turn, so get your feng shui on and check out the

WARNING to all you farmers out there:  do not expect anything to grow in this garden!!! If you are expecting a bounteous tomato harvest you are going to be grievously disappointed

Joey, a graduating Senior with a nose for Science, 
agrees to be my tester

Conclusion A:  the white sandy substance emits noxious unzenlike chemical smell

Conclusion B:  Pebbles appear smooth and unremarkable

Conclusion C:  Plenty of space available for more pebbles

Conclusion D:  Lack of extra pebbles is making tester feel cheated and unrelaxed

Conclusion E:  Raking sand appears to create depressive affect in tester

Conclusion F:  Tester rebels and refuses to rake "toxic" sand

Conclusion G:  Tester meditates in search of calm.  Meditation interrupted when Mother instructs tester to get bum off dining table.

Conclusion H:  Tester adds new elements to zen garden


Tester finds enlightenment!


Zen garden rating = 50 cents
(Because you can reuse the pebbles in your fish tank)


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Low Hanging Fruit From the Dollar Tree

Week after week Larainy has bided her time, biting her lip each time you smug bloggers have been approached by sponsors who have given you fabulous products like 
 hemorrhoid cream
and

 kitty litter

just so you could test the product and tell your readers about it.  
Well I am fed up trying to sell my soul to "the man" for corporate sponsorship.  I have taken control of my destiny.  I am grabbing the brass ring, I am doing it my way, I am...

short time later

I am feeling much better after a short nap.

You are probably familiar with this fine retail establishment.  You may be planning a shopping trip to purchase a bag of cotton candy or praying hands made of chocolate for your child's Easter basket.  (WARNING: stay away from the canned ham.) 

I am starting a new feature which I am going to call:

Low Hanging Fruit From Dollar Tree

From time to time I am going to choose an intriguing product, purchase it with my own dollar (to avoid coddling corporate creatures) and review it for you, my dear reader, so you don't waste your hard-earned cash on an inferior product.

 Our debut product is an intriguing toy called the "Grow Snake".  

The Grow Snake promises an increase in size by soaking in water.  The longer you soak it, the more terrifying it becomes.
I am pleased to report that our little snake began to grow that very first night.  At breakfast time he put us off our scrambled eggs 
 and by dinner time he was drinking out Nixon's water bin.

Nixon performs a canine terror assessment

Nixon is obviously frightened out of his razor sharp doggie mind.

Nixon sending doggy mind-signal warnings of extreme danger


Pound for pound I found the grow snake to be a slimy success.

GROW SNAKE RATING = 95 CENTS


Monday, April 18, 2011

Mile High Protocol

I just completed a successful flight home.  The roof didn't fly off the plane and the air traffic controllers must have been drinking Red Bull because there was no snoring reported from traffic control.
 
The good thing about flying Southwest is that they don't make me pay to check my big ol' suitcase  full of emergency Oreos (in case we crash).  

The bad thing about flying Southwest is the stressful process of finding a seat.  There are no seat assignments and I hate the audition when I finally board with my fellow losers in the "C" group . Laser eyes are sizing me up for bladder size, noses are sniffing for offensive body odor, judgments are being made about conversational worthiness...it's like being chosen for the dodge ball team at recess all over again.

And the thing is, I am a model passenger.  Let me share with you some of my friendly flying tips.


  • When you unbuckle at the end of your flight, take your seatbelt to its full extension.  The next passenger will settle in, start to buckle up and have to cinch in a yard of belt. They'll feel wonderful when they realize, Hey, I'm not nearly as big as that last guy.

  • Make helpful notes in the Sky Mall catalogue
 



                        

Don’t be a doofus.  You do not want to pay $49.95 to teach your cat how to poop in your toilet.



  • Surprise the next occupant of your seat by leaving intriguing messages behind:
 I think you're adorable.  Look for me at baggage claim.  I'll be the one holding the black suitcase with the extendable handle.



  • When you see someone eating one of those enormous Cinnabons, do a quick health assessment and if they look like a candidate for clogged arteries, snatch it away and throw it in the nearest trash bin.  Then give a friendly wink and say "You're going to thank me later."
  •  
  • Save some of your peanuts and hide them in little nooks and crannies so the next passenger can have a little protein treasure hunt.
  • When conversation lulls and things get awkward, it is time to softly hum a lullaby   Continue until one of you falls asleep.





Thursday, April 14, 2011

Bubbles of Joy

These were my offers to the grandboy:
1.  Catch butterflys in the park
2.  Watch Megamind for the billionth time
3.  Watch grandma read a book while she daintily sips Diet Coke
4.  Go to Bounce House
5.  Put together Spiderman puzzle for the trillionth time
6.  Hide and seek with glow in the dark bugs
7.  Hide and seek while grandma hides in the bedroom and takes a short and stealthy nap


The choice?

THE CARWASH!!!


Grandboy would rather go to the carwash than go to the moon.
  
The carwash contains all the essential elements for a dramatic event:





 A waterfall

thunder

bubbles

an octopus

guns shooting at you

and finally, safety after the storm




I call it a bargain for $5


Sunday, April 10, 2011

What Was the Question?





This boy is getting ready to fly away to college
but before he goes he is keeping us entertained
with his funny ways.

He wrote this parody of the "To Be or Not to Be" soliloquy for an English assignment.

Toupee or not toupee- that is the question: 
Whether ‘tis better for a man to suffer
The contempt and rejection of beautiful girls
Or to take arms against a lack of hair
And, with a wig, end them. To comb, to brush-
Have hair-and with this hair to say we end
The heartache and the thousand missed opportunities
That scalps are heir to- tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To strut, outside
Outside, perhaps with wind. Ay, there’s a catch,
For with that jaunt of locks what breeze may come,
When we have covered up this glossy cranium
That’s a thought. There’s one fear
That gives baldness such long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The thinning forest, the dying lawn,
The curse of the comb over, the wrong approach,

 
That hair gel from the cabinet sends
Next to hairspray. Who would bear this,
To work and toil under a barren skull,
Unless something is worse than male pattern baldness?
The dangerous toupee that often brings
Unnatural hairlines, whispered jokes
And makes us rather accept the hair we have
Than try for more from another’s head?
Thus wigs make bald-heads of us all,
And thus the tempting thought of hair
Is beat by the works of better reason,
And the troubles of little hair and much scalp
Compared toupee, lose their clout
And baldness feels just fine.

 




Thursday, April 7, 2011

Animals Gone Tame vs. Animals Gone Wild

My dear readers, have you been driving yourself crazy drudging through the news, worrying about silly things like our national deficit (which is in a much deeper hole than the one you dug in 5th grade while trying to reach China, which is where the U.S. is borrowing all that deficit money).


Well, that is why you can turn to Larainy, who will fill your   well shaped cranium with the important news you missed during the past few days.


On the International Scene:


AP's Veronika Oleksyn reports from Laufen, Germany: When Regina Mayer's parents dashed her hopes of getting a horse, the resourceful 15-year-old didn't sit in her room and sulk. Instead, she turned to a cow called Luna to make her riding dreams come true. Hours of training, and tons of treats, cajoling and caresses later, the results are impressive: not only do the two regularly go on long rides through the southern German countryside, they do jumps over a makeshift hurdle of beer crates and painted logs.

Kerstin Joensson / AP

Now when I look at this photo I think "No way in Sam Hill that cow is going to make it over that jump, but I do admire pluck, and this cowgirl has pluck. She is naive if she thinks she is ever going to get a horse though, because now her parents are saying "Ja! Jetzt werden wir sie ein Pferd nie kaufen müssen!" Yea! Now we'll never have to buy her a horse!)


On the Local Scene:


WHITE MOUNTAIN INDEPENDENT - The animal control officer responded to a residence after a report that dogs attacked a man's goats on March 25.


When he arrived, he saw six dogs in the complainant's goat pen eating on a dead goat they had killed. The complainant said he hadn't seen the attack but all the dogs were in the pen eating the goat. The officer impounded six male dogs, all of whom had blood on them and took them to the shelter. They were a red and white boxer shepherd mix, a black heeler mix, a white and black heeler mix, a black terrier mix with white paws, a tan and white Shih-tzu mix and a white chihuahua mix wearing a green sweater.


Now Larainy cannot read a heart rending article like that without outrage at the shoddy investigation. Questions abound:
  • Who was the canine ringleader?
  • Why the obvious prejudicial language, i.e. identifying    each suspect as "mix"?
  • What about motive?
  • Was there any attempt to find out if the goat was a provocateur?
  • Was it only a scapegoat?
  • Since there is no mention of breaking and entering, was it an inside job?
  • Why was the Chihuahua wearing a sweater?





Don't worry. I've got my best undercover pig on the case.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Arizona: Duped by Dope


Last year the citizens of Arizona, addled with anticipatory fumes, voted in favor of "medical marijuana". 





We were all lead to believe that dispensaries would be staffed by gruff elderly doctors with degrees from Harvard who would ask probing questions and weed out the dope-atrons from pitiful pain riddled souls with a defensible need for weed. 




 Yeah right.


image found here








Instead, guys like this are registering to open up little shops all across the state.   



















"The Blue Iguana" will conveniently share retail space with a "Jenny Craig" diet center so you can deal with the weight gain from pot induced munchies.



 "Mary Janes" will be in a stripmall next to Payless Shoes.  

One sells these
And one sells these



You will find "Dr. Wowie's Maui" in the mall next to "Tommy Bahama"

 
 
 
 
Need to rent a port-a-john?  "Pat's Pots" is located right next door to the convenient drive through window of a medical cannabis dispensary called "Port-a-Pot".
 
 
 
Learn to macrame pot holders at "Howie's Hemp House" which is in the basement of "Bud's Medicinal Buds".
 
Buy sod for your new lawn at the "Grass and Mower Superstore" and then something to ease the pain of your arthritic knees after all that yard work next door at "Thelma's Therapeutic Grass Hut".
 
 

Arizona is dumber already and we haven't even inhaled yet.