Monday, February 4, 2013

Quoth the Forty Niners: Nevermore



It's the Monday after the Super Bowl and 89% of Americans are going to work with nacho cheese hangovers.  For my nonAmerican readers, and for the unAmerican readers who just pretended they like football so they could get invited to a neighborhood Super Bowl party and chow down  free on Lil' Smokies wrapped in bacon; here is a Super Bowl wrap up.

The Game
The epic match up was between the Baltimore Ravens
  and the San Francisco Forty Niners.

Of course, this was a mismatch from the start because a Raven can just pick up the football and fly into the end zone, scoring at will while the husky Forty Niners (gold miners in Spandex) ineffectually throw pick axes at the sleek black Ravens streaking through the air above them.  As a last resort, the San Francisco Forty Niners brought out their secret weapon, a gold panning pan that they threw spinning at the elusive ravens like a lethal frisbee, but to no avail.

It was an exciting game with black feathers drifting softly through the air and the smell of forty niner sweat mingling with the robust scent of super bowl kielbasas on the grill.

 I can't wait until next year.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Jeepers Al!



Aaaaargh!  I barely made it through January and already I am breaking the only New Year's resolution I ever make:

I, Larainy, solemnly resolve 
that I will not comment on the troubled life and times of
 Albert Arnold "Al" Gore, Jr.

This lofty goal has crumbled so many times (like  here and here and here and here ) but still I persevere, valiantly vowing year after to year to leave Old Double A alone.

But so help me people, I heard his voice on the radio yesterday and suddenly I found myself ripping apart a decorative pillow cushion with my freshly brushed teeth. Big Al's voice has always reminded me of that kid, universal in every elementary school class that points out your humiliating zits with the voice of a pompous old fart, has a twinkie in his lunch every day, wins the spelling bee because he knows how to spell "Renassaince" and smells like gorgonzola.

And the hits just kept on coming.  Old Double A has been hitting every talk show across the fruited plain promoting his new book
Of course Big Al isn't worried about the future now that he has sold his 100% certified green television conglomerate, "Current Television" to 100% oil based Aljazerra. 

Hey Al, 
is it getting warm in here or is that 
a permanent oily sheen on your prodigious forehead?