With Apologies to Emma Lazarus

I have spent the last hour staring at myself in the mirror and having the following conversation.

Me:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  What are you talking about?

Me:  Oh like you don't know.

Me:  I don't have a clue what you're talking about

(Child pounds on bathroom door)

Child:  Who are you talking to in there?

Me:  Go away, this is a private conversation

Child:  Can I have a popsicle?

Me:  Yes, but only the otter pops, the Dove Bars are mine

Child:  That's not fair.

Me:  If you had been paying attention in Geometry you would have figured that out by now.  Go get your popsicle and then mow the lawn and clean the whole house from top to bottom.

(Dead silence as child stealthily tiptoes away, pretending not to have heard the last part.)

Me:  Where were we?

Me:  You were accusing me of possessing some defect .


Me:  It isn't an accusation, it is a fact.  You have a foible.


Me:  (Heavy sigh whilst examining freakishly enlarged pores in mirror)  I forget, does a foible grow on your face or on your bum?


Me:  A foible is a character flaw, woman.  Sometimes you are so obtuse!


Me:  No need to bring up the weight issue again.  (Eyelids droop in  familiar mournful expression)


Me:  Everyone you know is training for a marathon or giving up sugar or improving in some way.  What are doing?  You are going nowhere, baby.


Me:  Oh yeah?  Well... I'll tell you what I'm doing.  I'm...


Me:  I know what you're doing...you're eating Dove Bars and reading novels while your indentured children clean your house.


Me:  I'm teaching them the value of work.


Me:  But what about you, what are you doing to improve yourself?


Me:  Well, at the moment I'm checking to make sure I don't have any extra long nose-hairs.  Those gross me out.


Me:  Why don't you train for a marathon, how about even a half marathon?


Me:  Can't do it.


Me:  What about giving up Marshmallow Maties, or Oreos, or something.  Can't you give up something?


Me:  I did give up something.  I gave up training for marathons and quitting sugar.  And I did it because I'm so unselfish that I am sacrificing myself so others may feel superior.


Me:  What the...


Me:  (Shoulders back, in authoritative Maya Angelou voice.  Battle Hymn of the Republic begins to fade in)

I'm the blogger people can come to me when they are tired after running 13 miles.  I'm the blogger people can come to when they have passed up free Krispy Kremes at the office.  I'm the blogger that says; give me your tired, your hungry huddled masses yearning to breathe in cotton candy.  The wretched rejects from the teeming track.  Send these, the blistered, donut deprived to me.  I lift my bad example outside the bathroom door!

Things You Should Not Buy Used

Since I bruise like an old banana, and tend to walk into walls, I would probably be dead now if I didn't have a husband that the kids call 

"Mr Safety"

So in my concern for you, dear readers, may I offer my own well researched safety tips:

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT BUY USED

1.  A country.  

I hear Greece is for sale but it is extremely old, most of the buildings are in ruins and all they have left in the treasury are 18,000 kilograms of i.o.u.s and some wizened olives.   

Not a good deal!

 







2.  A Hairstyle

  









Just because Aunt Cynthia's hairstyle looks marvelous on her and has carried her to great heights in the world of fashion, snagged her the man of her dreams and immersed her in the world of international intrigue, doesn't mean it will look good on you.  

Dream up your own original poufy extravaganza!

 

3.  Homework   













Every English teacher in America is tired of hearing the same old story about how Romeo was an overbearing misogynist who caused guilt feelings in vulnerable young Juliet that caused her to become bulimic, drink poison, barf it up and come back to life only to find Romeo had killed himself to make her feel guilty.  SHE HAS HEARD IT ALL BEFORE!  

Quit buying used homework!

 



4.  Recipe Books





















Think about it.  Do you really want to eat food made from a book that someone has tested and rejected?  Check the book for crumbs and spills.  If it is clean it is really a loser.  Leave it alone and call your mother.  Nothing thrills Mom like getting a call for her Rice Krispie Treats recipe.  She'll cry with gratitude.

Not Only the Carpet Was Red

It is so sad that many of you, my dear readers, are so out of touch with the beeyoooteefull people currently being adored by the rest of the world, that I am forced to inform you about a recent cultural highlight called

The M.T.V. awards

These awards are given to people who watch the M.OST T.V. and as you would expect, it is a GREAT HONOR!!!  

Celebrities come from far and wide to see which of their friends has chalked up the most hours sitting on their bum during the past year   and famous people brush their teeth, dress up and prance around for the cameras.  

Since you missed it, I am going to recap some of the most exciting red carpet moments so you won't feel like such an old geezer if somebody much cooler than you asks you about it.

 Of course the first celeb on the scene is always Miss Gay Paree Hilton, who was in such a rush to beat the crowd she just wore the feathers that stuck to her tanning oil after the huge pillow fight she had with her sister Nicky in their Hilton Hotel room 

(which she stays in for free)

This little lady recently returned from a successful bass fishing trip 

and is proudly wearing her catch around her neck.  

Looks like she caught her limit!

Some men are bothered by their 
diminutive stature (aka paltry elevation)

others, like Seth Green, date tall women who 

can reach the Pepto Bismol from the 

medicine cabinet on top of the refrigerator 
without standing on their pedicured toes

Here she is, fresh from "Blue Day" at kindergarten
and "Invisible Day" at Skanky School, Miss Katie Perry

Hey, how did my plumber get in?

Poor Christina, looks like she tried to clean up 
the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico all by herself. 

 Oh I'm so confused, which is the "Rock"
and
which is the figure skater?

Proud new owner of a double wide 
recently installed in Waldo's Trailer Town,
Miss Lindsay Lohan

Shaun White has discovered the joy
of the nude adult onesie 



Now go plomp down on your 
lazy bum and catch up on your TV.  
Keeping you people cultured is wearing me out.

All images can be  found here

Small Poetry

Can there be anything more culturally uplifting 

than combining American song lyrics 

with the venerable Japanese poetry form...

Haiku?

(which is a onomatopoeia. in the Japanese language for "sneeze"

 

If I could save time

In a bottle it might smell

like mildewed gym socks

 

Imagine there’s no

heaven and pretty soon you’re

heading straight to hell

 

I’m leavin on a

jet plane and only get a

tiny bag of pretzels

 

Papa was a rollin’ stone

‘til pounded into gravel

by our big mama

 

The long and winding

road often makes me throw up

out the car window

 

I’ve seen fire and I’ve

seen rain and I’m probably

not gettin s’mores

 

You can’t always get

what you want especially

if you have no cash

 

Ooo ooo witchy woman you

Wear a hairnet at the school

cafeteria

Desperado, why

don’t you come to your senses

And take the plea deal?

Delusions of Wrongness

Now I realize the following will strain your credulity (and a strained credulity tends to be quite painful but responds well to Ibuprofen). Once in a while someone who does not know me as well as you do dear reader, asks,

"Larainy, are you ever wrong?"

After I wipe up the Diet coke that I have spewed on hearing such a ridiculous suggestion and after I have wiped the tears of laughter from my beautiful blue eyes, I will modestly prevaricate, 

"Oh you silly, of course I have been wrong before."

And then I say a quick prayer of forgiveness for lying; pondering all the while if it can really be counted as a "lie" if the "lie" is told in the spirit of humility so that a lesser person won't feel so inadequate.

I do recall a hazy memory somewhere back in the misty swirling past where I thought I was wrong about something and admitted that I had erred but then I turned out to be wrong about being wrong.  It was so embarrassing!

But just in case, dear reader, you think that you, like me, are never wrong...let's do a little experiment.

Which square is darker?  A or B?

Of course you are wrong because you chose A and you don't have my sterling record of never being wrong (except for that one time when I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong about being wrong)

Don't believe me?

 Wrong again!  A and B are the same depressing shade of gray.

If you guessed wrong, please be honest and send me the $500 you bet me in your mind.  I accept Visa, Paypal and Canadian Currency, which is currently beating the dollar all to heck.

What to do on Your Summer Vacation

SUMMER IS HERE!
Time to live out some of those aspirations you've
been dreaming of during the long cold winter.

• Check out the West Coast
  

Due to statewide budget cuts, volunteer security guards have been recruited by Gov. Schwarzenegger,

and are currently patrolling downtown Hollywood, California

• Expand your scientific horizons

Tour the obscure but interesting underground genetics lab 

in Fargo, North Dakota, and purchase a 

"Miniature Self Cloning" kit in the gift shop. 

You need never be lonely again!

• Try a new culinary adventure

Turn one state south and you will find a variety of

edible native roadside grasses that will make your hair curl 

and your shorts creep up to alarming levels.

• Rekindle the passion

If you are searching for a romantic getaway, 
look no further than the

"The Little Cottage on Lover's Lane Bed & Breakfast" 

located in dreamy eastern Nebraska, 

where you will be greeted by your fun loving hosts

Fergus and Wanda Glumsky

 And no need to worry about childcare while you're 
away on your romantic retreat.
Uncle Vinny's Gothic Daycare  
will take loving care of your little darling.*

*Pay in advance and your child receives a free tattoo!

• Expand your literary horizons

For the youngsters, nothing says fun like a summer

trip to the local library with a loving older brother.

• Take along a family friend
  

Worried about what to do with family pet while you're traveling?

Why not make it portable like Lou and Cindy Arnoldson did 
with their beloved cat, Snowball?* 

*Caution:  involves boiling in acid and loss of life

• Support our troops

 Does Jr. display a propensity for law enforcement?

How about a week at  

Colonel Mike Madsen's Military Camp*

*Located down a long dirt road behind the razor wire somewhere in southeast Texas.  

Password is "Geronimo"

• Develop your talents

For the musically inclined, look no further than

Cissy Shutak's Summer Accordion & Harmonica Camp

located in the tall pines just outside the polka capital of 
North America, Squeegee Wisconsin

 Have fun and don't forget the sunscreen!

Photos found at Sexy People 
and awkward family photos
and in Debbie's family album 

Welcome to the Slush Pile

As a writer, I have had my share of false starts. 
Here are a few of them.

Tallulah had never been the most talkative stalk in the asparagus bunch.


As Leburta brushed her auburn locks, memories of Reynaldo caused static electricity to fill the night air of her bedchamber with tiny sparks like fireflies.


Dust had been Dusty's destiny since the day he was born destitute in a barn outside of Denver.


Saliva dripped off Gerard's fangs like sparkling mist and Deidre, weakening, imagined she heard violins through the pine trees.


Stan was a good cop with a bad attitude; a combination that solved a lot of crimes but had sent his sainted mother to an early grave.


As Perry shifted uncomfortably in the tight confines of his cubicle, he once again regretted the extra spicy chalupa from the night before.


As the sunset melted like liquid margarine over the barren landscape, Marjorie was harshly reminded of her childlessness.


To begin the start of the story, Adam thought about the first time he had heard the tale of his birth.


Once upon a time in the magical flower kingdom, the princess Lacey was stabbed 17 times by her power hungry father, the King.


Caitlin's heart beat in steady rhythm to the stealthy steps of the studly stalker steadily striding behind her.

Hide and seek

Some family members are meant to be out front 

and some are meant to hide in the trees.

Mall miler of the month

Did you know that walking one mile while shopping is equal to 1.7 miles on a treadmill or 1.6 miles on a track?  I know the science of this is complicated, but try to follow me.  Gravitational forces which cause drag on the large muscles  are increased proportionately to the proximity of overpriced merchandise and empty caloric possibilities for consumption by a factor equal to the overdraft in your bank account divided by how uncomfortable your shoes are.  

Yesterday, after clocking 7.5 mall miles, I was taking a breather in a comfy leather chair right in front of the kiosk that sells beauty products from the Dead Sea.  I have never really understood this marketing concept because I thought the point of expensive beauty products was to help you look like you were never going to die, hence avoiding anything to do with death like the plague. 



Seacret employees go through rigorous training in Dead Sea boot camp in order to convince mall attendees to let them squirt lotion on their hand.  If you give in to their seductive advances, they will grasp said appendage in a vise-like manner and not let go until they ask a series of questions designed to make you feel self-conscious about the state of your lobster claws.

Whilst esconced in my comfy leather chair, I did observational research, carefully recording the results in blue pen on my Wetzel's pretzels receipt.  This is what I saw.

• 84 subjects turn down cheerful invitations for a squirt of free dead sea lotion with a minimal nod or negative murmur

• 66 profoundly deaf and legally blind subjects who could neither see nor hear the bubbly dead sea girl with giant hair, blue eye shadow and a black apron gesturing wildly with her lotion tube and fake smile constructed of red lip stick

• A lesbian couple dressed in cargo shorts, polo shirts and Mormon missionary haircuts who spoke to a Dead Sea girl at great length but weren't convinced enough to pull money out of their REI fanny pack

• 3 spoiled brats

• Tom Selleck

Okay so I really didn't see Tom Selleck but I thought you would like an opportunity to see what he looked like when he lived in Hawaii and wore shorty pants to investigate crime.






I bet if I had seen Tom, he would have given Dead Sea girl a nod and maybe even let her rub some lotion on his manly chapped hand.

Law & Disorder

Doesn’t it make you mad that Law & Order has given up on investigating and prosecuting offenders? Apparently they quit subscribing to newspapers like the rest of you cheapskates and they no longer have any headlines to rip. 

To fill the void I once again bring you another installment of

“Small Town Police Report”

See if you can recognize the real headline.

CASE ONE
 

a. Harve Tumbley reported he thought he was being harassed by his wife and would like to talk to an officer to know what he can do to harass her back. An officer talked to him and gave him counsel.

b. Gladys Tumbley reported that when she answered her doorbell there was a fire on her front porch and when she stomped it out she discovered it was a fresh cow pie and so she completely ruined a brand new pair of Naturalizers she had just purchased at Walmart.

 c. An Officer responded to a domestic disturbance at the Tumbley barn to find two suspects involved in a massive cow pie fight. Gladys Tumbley was subdued after she attacked the officer; accusing him of telling her husband how to light cow pies on fire so innocent people will stomp them out.


CASE TWO
 

a. Nealon Norton reported his neighbor's birds were running loose and causing problems. The animal control officer spoke to the owner of the birds, Benjamin Schinke, who said he had tried in the past to pen the birds. At that time, the neighbors complained about the noise they made and asked him to let them roam free again. He said he hadn't any complaints since that time. He said he would try to keep them quiet but didn't seem to know how to keep them quiet. He said he and his guinea fowl have been there since 1970 and the neighbor is being unreasonable in his complaint. 

 b. Patricia Crosswhite registered an animal cruelty complaint, stating “It is a crying shame when dozens of beautiful guinea fowl are shut up in a wire cage with little gags in their mouths. Their wings are drooping and they won’t look you in the eye.”

c. Benjamin Schinke reported that he is angry at being ordered to shut up his birds in a cage to keep them quiet, then subsequently ordered to let them roam free by the police. Now, several guinea fowl are missing and he has been seeing his neighbor grilling suspicious guinea-like cutlets every day for two weeks


CASE THREE
 

a. Ivan Bustanza reported someone took Ritalin, Excedrin and a pair of prescription sunglasses while he was at church the previous Sunday. He only wants it documented that they were stolen.

b. Sissy Gonzalves reports that her son Fernando came home from church nursery so hyper that he hasn’t slept for two days and she can’t take it any more. She thinks that Bill and Wanda Sandstrom might have given Fernando something because he is a “challenging boy” who steals toys and bites the other children. Bill and Wanda Sandstrom deny the allegation.
 
c. Vanilla Wafers from the Sage Crossing Ward nursery tested for negative for any unusual substance.