Larainy's Book Club

Let's start out slowly shall we?  We don't want to dive in the deep end with authors like Aristotle or Tolstoi or Danielle Steele because we all know you did not eat brain food for breakfast.  You ate Cocoa Puffs followed by a Diet Coke and then 3 Girl Scout Thin Mints pilfered from your hiding place in back of the tub of flax that your mother-in-law gave you to improve your family's health.  You are not ready for a cerebral discussion.


Let us ease gently into the world of literature, learning from each other.  I'll go first, imparting to you, dear reader, some of the gems of wisdom I obtained from classic children's books.

Saying goodnight to everything in your bedroom, 

 is a effective stalling technique 

(Don't forget to include body parts!)

If you hire a pig as a contractor, 

you have a 66.6% chance that your house won’t last a week.

• Cats are evil, especially those that walk around naked except for bow ties and tall hats. 

• If you have a chemical spill, hire Thing One and Thing Two

Don't buy a motorcycle until you know if...

"she has good balance on a rough road,"  
because then you will have

"a mighty fine machine" 

Forget reading this one, it will give you a headache.

Go see the movie, it has Johnny Depp in it.

Sending your rotten kid to bed without supper 

can lead to development of a very lucrative movie deal

 Dogs are good and will protect you from wild pigs

that want to build you a house

Nothing induces wild soggy sobbing like
a dead hound dog lying on the grave of
another dead hound dog

Before and After

BEFORE

  

AFTER

 

 

Chile vs. chili

Don't you think it's weird that after the big earthquake in Chile, suddenly all the reporters have started calling it

CHEE-LAY

as if sympathetic pronunciation is going to help?

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Eavesdropping at NBC

As you know, I am a shameless eavesdropper and take copious notes. Although I cannot reveal the circumstances, or my nefarious methods, I know you will be interested in the following exchange. I have changed the name of a popular NBC morning news anchor to protect his identity.


Cob Bostas: (on cell phone) …you too Lindsey, I know, I’m going to miss you too. Don’t forget, we’re going to have a crew there to film your flight home, including your purchase of a Cinnabon at the airport. There will be another crew waiting to film your arrival, documenting the exciting moments when you arrive at your house, check your mail and throw out all the stuff in the refrigerator that has gone bad. Uh, Lindsay, wait a minute, there’s someone invading my personal space here, I’ve gotta go. I know, me too. Kiss kiss.


Asbjorn: Excuse me, are you Cob Bostas?


Cob: Sighing, whipping out sharpie to sign an autograph. To whom shall I dedicate my salutation?


Asbjorn: I don’t want your autograph. I want to know why NBC didn’t say anything about my Olympic accomplishments.


Cob: Arching a neatly plucked eyebrow. And just what did you accomplish?


Asbjorn: I won a gold medal in the Nordic sharp shooting slushy luge combined downhill and another in the Aerial Super G Skeleton Obstacle Course.


Cob: For what country?


Asbjorn: Finlanostanislavia.


Cob: Slowly shaking perfectly coiffed head in exasperation. Let me explain something… what did you say your name was son?


Asbjorn: My name is Asbjorn


Cob: Well Assbeeyorn, first of all you are not an American, nor do you have an American name that I can say with confidence. Secondly, you must not have a compelling story.


Asbjorn: What do you mean? I won two gold medals!


Cob: Snorting at Asbjorn’s naivety Let me enlighten you on a little American network secret. We here at NBC have a criteria that is strictly adhered to. Anyone who gets airtime must be able to answer yes to two or more of the following items:


• Do you compete for America, the land of the brave?

• Do you now have, or have you ever had a terminal illness?

• Is any member of your family likely to die during the Olympics?

• Can you flash a blindingly white toothy grin on demand?

• Do you have any prosthetics or something like a rod of steel instead of a spine…something that will show up well on an X ray?

• Were you plucked from the arms of your nursing mother to train in Colorado Springs?

• Do you have a girlfriend that can triple triple an axel lutz?


Asbjorn: Sullenly kicking at snow bank with Soviet made moonboot.   No.

Cob: Well there you go son. You have something to work towards during the next four years. And Assbeeyorn, because I like you, and because I am the kind of cool guy who believes in reaching out in the hand of fellowship to the little people, I’m gonna let you in on another little secret. As far Olympic coverage goes, NBC stands for “Not Before Crying”. We like competitors who cry and we like competitors who make people cry. You got it?


Asbjorn: Thank you Cob. Starts to cry.


Cob: Slapping him on the back as he takes out his cell phone to see if Lindsey Vonn has called.  It’s a start son, it’s a start.

Chinese take out

 I can't believe I slept in and missed the Chinese New Year. If you have ordered takeout recently, you know that we are now in the year of the Tiger  Maybe that's why I growl when I get out of bed.

 Since I am totally against the Chinese telling me what to do, even though the Chinese government has a huge red lacquered warehouse full of money and  the American government has a dusty cellar under  the Capitol full of I.O.U's to the Chinese: I have developed my own calendar.  And since I believe in democracy, not communism, you get to pick which sign you want to be born under.  

So there China!

Swan (Element - feathers)  

Fluffy, good swimmer, likes fish, squawks really loud when startled

Ghost (Element - ectoplasm)  

Sees dead people, scared of dark, hates Halloween but likes candy corn, prefers urban, high traffic areas to spooky old farmhouses in the isolated countryside next to mysterious neighbors.

 Lizard  (Element - leather)  

Tough, sinewy, prefers jerky to cheeseburgers,  gym is natural habitat, but can also be found basking in a tanning bed or on a lounge chair next to apartment pool.   

  Cockatoo (Element: hair gel)

Assymetrical, sassy, noisy, can be found in the basement or garage, a loner who has read the Hobbit three times, prefers Pop Tarts to toast.

King Cobra  (Element: venom)

Large head or big hair, mesmerizing eyes, often seen carrying scepter that disguises hidden knife blade dipped in deadly poison, delusions of grandeur

Pumpkin (Element: mayonnaise)

Squishy tenderness masked by debonair exterior, always wears a pinky ring and prefers boxers over briefs, can be counted on to help with the dishes

 

 Wookie (Element: chewbacca)

Burnt out rockn'roller, sleeps until 2 p.m., vows to make a comeback on graduation from rehab, hates Harrison Ford but loves Carrie Fisher

   Computer (Element: floppy disk)

Old fashioned, questionable taste, lives with mother and sleeps in twin bed in childhood bedroom, can be found only in chat rooms or in Old Country Buffet

 

Cowboy (Element: pinto beans)

Sleeps in hat, has never actually been on horse except for that Shetland pony at Suzy Gibbon's birthday party in 3rd grade, holds up Wranglers with a bullriding championship belt buckle purchased on ebay. 

All photos lifted from sexy people

The Devious Domestic Tip #2

 

 The Devious Domestic

 

Tip #2

No one will notice that you served 

frostbitten wieners

 that you chipped out of the ice 

in the bottom of your freezer

and defrosted on the grill...

if you present them wearing long red gloves with feathers.

Bon appetit!

Two-facebook: an Antisocial Network

I came up with a really great idea while watching Masterpiece Theater and eating a huge ol’ bag of kettle corn. Jane Austen movies are on Masterpiece Theater about 74.5% of the time and they make me feel an urge to be more polite and bow to people in the grocery store. Well, not really bow, just nod in slow motion while shyly allowing my lashes to close over my downcast eyes that are the color of a stormy blue sky. 

 


Jane Austen is the opposite of the Olympics. You would never see Jane Austen’s girls tucking their little curly heads into helmets and their bosomy highwaisted, flowing dresses into baggy snow suits to hit the half pipe. 

None of Jane’s girls would be persuaded to give up all sense and date a flying tomato before they had the sensibility to be properly introduced. Those girls have too much pride to overcome their prejudice against speed skaters with gargantuan thighs that look like permanent jodphurs.

Anyway, back to my really great idea.  I am going to start an

ANTISOCIAL NETWORK. 

I am going to call it 

TWO-FACEBOOK. 

I plan to siphon off all the meanies that currently feel so out of place on the “social" networks. I am going to give them a place they will feel comfortable, where they can rant and rave and cuss and say bad things about all their antisocial associates.

On Two-facebook


• You won’t add “friends” you’ll add “enemies”
• Your personal information will be called “Profilers” since all information will be right out of an FBI handbook on abnormal behavior
• All photos will be in black and white
• The home page will be called “The Cellar”
• Lots of fun apps will be available to install viruses
• Find your enemies with the “Search and Destroy” feature
• You won’t “share” you will “inflict”

 
I’ll keep you posted. 

I’ve got to go buy another bag of kettle corn so I can figure out the rest.

Sports Illustrated Spandex & Feathers Issue

Yevgeny Plushenko reacts to the news of his loss to American, Evan Lysacek.

 In retribution, he casts a spell on the other American figure skater, Johnny Weir, turning him into a girl.

Despite advice from 9 out of 10 hairstylists polled, Plushenko refuses to get a new hairdo-- one that does not include a mullet and bangs that point like a neon arrow at his least attractive feature.

Portrait of Tiger Woods

The best picture ever of a tiger in the woods.  

He looks a little nervous huh?