So You Want to Name Your Baby

From time to time I like to provide public service because I am a good person. Some of you might call me a “giver”, especially if you ever want me to give you anything.


In that spirit I am giving to a very specific group; those who are currently pregnant or compiling meaningful baby names for the children that are at present only a gleam in the eye (or another unnamed sensation in another unnamed body part).

A child should be given a name that fits. They should not be given some random title that has nothing to do with who they really are, or who they will become. My list of baby names will help you look honestly at your child, and give them a name to aspire to, or settle into comfortably.


You’re welcome.

Incognita (woman of mystery)

Corpulance (husky)

Smartin (genius)

Pungentifer (odiferous)

Borine (Placid)

Musicallie (lyrical)

Violentcia (volatile)

Scarietta (ominous)

Lackadaisy (easy going)

Punctualbert (always on time)

Shiftina (for the child that won’t look you in the eye.  *See above)

Aeorodominic (pointed head)

Herniandy (should avoid heavy lifting)

Delisha (peaches and cream complexion)

Awkwardo (uncoordinated)

Damonic (don’t give him access to matches)

Stealthine (sneaky)

Obsequianna (humble)

Lethallen (dangerous)

Redunford (boring)

Therapeuticia (should consider the medical field)

Uniqua (only child)

Volatim (for the boy with a short fuse)

Zestephanie (dramatic)

Stingina (won’t share her lunch)

Squeamisha (refuses to kill spiders)

Psychoticarol (unsafe around pets)

Punyelle (petite)

Noxic (half obnoxious/half toxic)

Fumbelina (clumsy)

Weirdarla (cute but strange)

Aromatthew (smelly)
Meagun (small arms dealer)
Trashley (sanitation engineer)

Any other ideas?

Eavesdropping at the Mall

I was eating a delicious pretzel at the mall food court last week (Don’t you just love mall victuals? They’re like State Fair food with 73% less salmonella) when I found myself next to three young mothers. My, they were fashionable! I seem to remember wearing nothing in my early child-bearing years but jeans with a waist that rose 5 inches above my belly button and a barf-stained shirt with fringe. And that was my good outfit.


These women were gorgeous. They had blinding teeth, evenly tanned stubblefree legs and were all wearing the correct bra size. And the children! These were not the rugged little osh kosh b’goshers that ran around with my kids. The shoelaces matched the hairbows, the bottom of the sandals had the same flower that was on the sundress, the diaper coordinated with the wipeys and each child and Mother had matching tattoos. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop.


Mommy “A”: Oh your little girl is soooo darling. What is her name?


Mommy “B”: Tyler.


Mommy “C”: Oh my gosh I just love it when girls have boy names.


Mommy “A”: Seriously, it is so darling. How do you spell it?


Mommy “B”: T-I-E-L-O-R-R


Mommies “A” & “C”: (Squealing together) Oooo, that is the cutest spelling ev-errrr.


Mommy “B”: (Pointing to toddler sticking his hand up the gumball machine) What’s your little guy’s name?


Mommy “A”: Madison.


Mommy “C”: Ooooo, I just love it when boys have girl names. How do you spell it?


Mommy “A”: Well we just spell it the regular way, but we like capitalize the M and the D and the S and the N so it will look way cute on his kindergarten papers. And we put two of those cute little dots over the “o” so it kind of gives the whole thing a Euro vibe.


Mommy “B”: That is sooo creative. Are those your twins? (Pointing to double stroller) Awww, they’re sleeping.


Mommy “C”: Yeah, I always break out the Benadryl when we go shopping. I can get so much more done!


Mommy “B”: How fun to have twins! Are they regular or implants? The embryo’s I mean.


Mommy “C”: Oh they were just regular.


Mommies “A” and “B” exchange a troubled glance.


Mommy “A”: (suspiciously) Soooo, what are their names?


Mommy “C”: (Hanging her head in shame., whispering) Bob and Cindy.


At this point I saw Mommy “B” and Mommy “A” look at each other in pure horror. Mommy “B” blindly grabbed for little Tielorr, yanking her elastic headband with such a tug that it zinged across the food court, carrying an enormous flower along with it. Mommy “A” whipped out her i-phone, faked a call and extracted little Madison from the gumball machine, beating a hasty exit.


I quietly wept into my nacho cheese as Bob and Cindy snored on, blissfully unaware of the life of adversity awaiting.