Breaking Dawn is going to break before dawn at approximately midnight tonight.
There will be giddy teenage girls and women wearing t-shirts like these...
professing their allegiance to either the hairy modified werewolf Jacob, or the sparkly modified vampire Edward.
I plan to protest outside my favorite theater wearing my protest t-shirt
You know Dobby don't you? He's the noble house-elf from Harry Potter that bears a striking resemblance to Vladimir Putin.
Let us compare and contrast the qualities of
Jacob, Edward and Dobby
Team Jacob
Hairy
Good teeth
Protective
Good provider if you like rabbits
Gets the Native American casino discount
Team Edward
Sparkly
Bad teeth
Protective
Bad provider: never brings the venison home
Cool, marbleized skin surface very refreshing on a hot day
Team Dobby
Wrinkly
No teeth
Protective
Great provider: can fill the pantry with the flick of a wand
AND
Will sleep on the hearth, freeing up the guest room
No potential for making your husband jealous
Scares away burglars but kind to the dog
Sorry Twilight, but my magical creature
beats yours every day of the week
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