Larainy turns 100

Holy smokes!

I just realized that my last post was number

 
Wow, that is a boat load of wisdom that I have sprinkled on the world.

In celebration, and in response to a devoted reader's earnest query (thanks Mom), I would now like to list some of the things I like about Larainy.


1.  I've known her since she was born

2.  She flosses


3.  She never beat up anyone who didn't deserve it

4.  When she was ten, she could say howdoyousolveaproblemlikeMaria in one burp

5.  She will tell funny stories about you at your funeral...for free!

6.  She will never steal your man because she has her own man and he is the man and man is he a man, obviously the man for her

7.  Bunion free since 1990


8.  Will tell you if your zipper's down


9.   Will tell you if your toupee is askew


10. Will tell you if you're stupid


11.  Won't tell you if you can't help it that you're stupid


12.  Will beat you up if you tell her that she's stupid 


13.  Always expects everything to turn out alright


14.  Would love to go to lunch with you because she loves to go to lunch


15.  Her perpetually cold feet do not contribute to global warming, hence her carbon footprints are practically invisible

So You Want to Name Your Baby

From time to time I like to provide public service because I am a good person. Some of you might call me a “giver”, especially if you ever want me to give you anything.


In that spirit I am giving to a very specific group; those who are currently pregnant or compiling meaningful baby names for the children that are at present only a gleam in the eye (or another unnamed sensation in another unnamed body part).

A child should be given a name that fits. They should not be given some random title that has nothing to do with who they really are, or who they will become. My list of baby names will help you look honestly at your child, and give them a name to aspire to, or settle into comfortably.


You’re welcome.

Incognita (woman of mystery)

Corpulance (husky)

Smartin (genius)

Pungentifer (odiferous)

Borine (Placid)

Musicallie (lyrical)

Violentcia (volatile)

Scarietta (ominous)

Lackadaisy (easy going)

Punctualbert (always on time)

Shiftina (for the child that won’t look you in the eye.  *See above)

Aeorodominic (pointed head)

Herniandy (should avoid heavy lifting)

Delisha (peaches and cream complexion)

Awkwardo (uncoordinated)

Damonic (don’t give him access to matches)

Stealthine (sneaky)

Obsequianna (humble)

Lethallen (dangerous)

Redunford (boring)

Therapeuticia (should consider the medical field)

Uniqua (only child)

Volatim (for the boy with a short fuse)

Zestephanie (dramatic)

Stingina (won’t share her lunch)

Squeamisha (refuses to kill spiders)

Psychoticarol (unsafe around pets)

Punyelle (petite)

Noxic (half obnoxious/half toxic)

Fumbelina (clumsy)

Weirdarla (cute but strange)

Aromatthew (smelly)
Meagun (small arms dealer)
Trashley (sanitation engineer)

Any other ideas?

Mother's Day Memories To Last A Lifetime

You know what week it is don’t you? It’s  

The Gilded week of Guilt 

otherwise known as Mother's Day.  

All over the fruited plain children are guiltily thinking What in the Sam Hill can I give my mother/mother-in-law for a gift this year? All over the same fruited plain, mothers are thinking I swear if someone gives me another one of those statues of the little children with enormous heads, I’m going to scream!



This is where I come in, your online resource to three free and memorable gifts that are all about guilt.

1.  Make this delicious recipe for edible flower pots filled with ice cream and topped with crumbled Oreos. 

Instead of a gummy worm treat inside, dig up a real earthworm and hide him in the pot. (Don’t worry, earthworms adore ice cream!) When your mother/mother-in-law digs in and finds her organic surprise, she might try to make you feel guilty for feeding her a worm. This is where you turn it around and make her feel guilty by saying, “Hey, earthworms are revered in many cultures as a valuable source of protein.”




2.  Go to your favorite fine jewelry establishment; i.e.Tiffany’s, Jared’s Galleria of Fine Jewelry, or the Pioneer Pawn Shop. Now I know what you’re thinking, I don’t have the cash to buy my Mom jewelry! Plus, she already has a mood ring. Well, just calm down smarty pants. You’re not buying jewelry; you’re buying the velvet box that jewelry comes in. Wrap up that velvet box in your prettiest paper and don’t forget the bow. 

As mother/mother-in-law opens the gift she will see the velvety box emblazoned with a name that means quality. Before she cracks it open she will get all misty-eyed and look tenderly at you and say Oh now what have you gone and done? This is when you stare modestly down as she opens the lid. As she stares into the void she will look at you with a question in her eyes. This is your cue to say softly, It’s a box of love! If she doesn’t express the proper appreciation, it’s time to storm out of the house shouting, Fine. I don’t care if you don’t want my love! (This is why it is best to delay gift giving until you’ve had a chance to eat dinner.)


3.  If your mother has been waiting for you to produce some quality grandchildren that she can brag about, The Gilded Day of Guilt is the perfect time to make that big announcement. Buy a cute baby rattle and tie a cute vintage bow around it. As she pulls the rattle out of the tasteful gift bag, shout Surprise! 

When she is able to speak through her tears and ask questions, tell her that you are adopting a child for only pennies a day and that you have become a sponsor through Save the Children. 

If she gives you any grief tell her you will get her a picture for her wallet.




Note to my five children. Don’t try these at home

The Future of Celebrity

If you are under thirty, you probably think Jamie Lee Curtis always looked like this...

 
A cute older woman with grey hair and undependable bowels that have now been cured by the neighborly bacteria in 

But guess what...

she used to look like this!

(Back in the days when she was regular)

Although, come to think of it, sometimes she looked like this... 

so maybe regularity has been a lifelong issue.

Because I am a woman of experience, I am going to offer a few "current hotties" a little career advice for the future.   

The years are going to pass hotties, causing you to cool down.  Eventually you will have to move on to promoting something beyond your looks:  something that will pay the rent, buy cat food and pay your plastic surgery bills.

Hey Justin Timberlake

 You can go from this to...

Timberlake Tatt Removal 

Slogan:  "A laser is a colored man's best friend"

Hey Edward Cullen

You can go from this to... 

 

Ed's Dental Implants  

   Slogan: "Fight to keep your bite"

 Hey Beyonce

 You can go from this to...

Promoting 

"The Jazzie"

Slogan:  "When You Can't Shake Your Bootie - Try a Scootie"

Hey Justin Bieber

You can go from this to...

 Grown Men Don't Wear Hoodies to Cover Hair Loss

"The Environmental Gentlemen's Hair Club"

Slogan:  "Real Men Wear Real Fur"

 

 

 

Hey Ke$ha

 You can go from this to...

Because by the time you're 30, 

the only $ you're going to have 

is the one in the middle of your name

Slogan:  "You Need Money-- and So Do I"

Hey Lady Gaga

 You can go from this to...

 Because apparently you already believe in the product.

Freaky Family Fun

Dedicated to every woman who has developed a permanent nervous tic worrying about color coordinating clothing in your annual family photo.

There is a time and a place for a dog pile...

this wasn't it.

Some mothers look nervous for a reason.

 Apparently, John Lennon had some unacknowledged children

The two sides of Pat

 Don't worry honey, when you grow up 

we'll buy you some tall hair too

 "Will you take the @#!* picture... 3/4's of us are in pain."

In memory of Grandpa and Grandma

Overall, what's not to love?

It wouldn't be the first time little Bobby's 

big sister held a gun to his back.

 The family that hairsprays together, stays together

Sometimes Dad has too much eggnog

Four Corners = Five Dorks

 "What can I say, I fell in love with his hair"

More awkward family photos can be found here

That's No Lady

I don't like to judge people.  Okay I do like to judge people but I try to keep it to myself or disguise it in a kindly form such as...

He has more hair in his nose than he does on his head...bless his heart!

Adding, "bless his/her heart" to anything tends to soften the blow of the judgmental hammer.

That said, today I would like to judge

 her

Because somebody needs to do it.

WHEREAS: The female known as "Lady GaGa"

• Is polluting the world's culture at a rate of 100,000 carbon tons per day
• Has turned vulnerable girls into prepubescent tartlets
• Initiates the gag reflex, causing wide spread bulimia
• Is paving her own path to hell with swarovski crystals

IT IS MY JUDGMENT THAT:

• She no longer be known as "Lady"  
• She gets a real job harvesting green beans or doing laundry
• She abide by a total media ban for the rest of her natural life.

The Vulnerable Gardner

You can take a man out of the Brazilian Rain Forest

but you can't take the Brazilian Rain Forest out of a man

Bologna Buns: The recipe = the body part

The Devious Domestic has heard your feeble cries for a new culinary masterpiece to wow the family and impress your social circle

Wait no more!

For today's triumph I have worn my red-gloved fingers to the bone, scouring dozens of dough encrusted charity recipe books.  You know the type...someone/thing needs a fundraiser and so everyone contributes their favorite chicken enchilada recipe and they print all 189 versions of chicken enchiladas in a book and then you are guilted into buying back your own chicken enchilada recipe, because yours is definitely the best recipe and you wouldn't think of making someone elses, especially since someone else's contains CREAM OF CHICKEN SOUP for pete's sake.

The following gem was found in the "Lobo Cookbook".  Now I should have known better than to look in a cookbook authored by a Mexican wolf, but hey, it was handy.  

BOLOGNA BUNS*              

"This is not a misprint, repeat...this is not a misprint

 1.  Slice 6 oz. bologna into thin strips somewhat resembling cadaver flesh

 2.  Add 2 Cups shredded cheddar cheese

 3.  Add 2 teaspoons chopped green onion

4.  Add 1 teaspoon sweet pickle relish

5.  Add 1 Tablespoon prepared mustard (don't be an idiot and try to add unprepared mustard because it is never on time)

6.  Add 1 C mayonnaise (May substitute lard or leftover cellulite)

7.  Mix above ingredients together in a bowl.  (I apologize for not having a picture of this step, but I when I finished this step I had to run to the bathroom and barf and then I forgot)

8.  Use hamburger or hotdog buns and fill with bologna amalgam*

*See apology #7 for absence of picture

9.  Wrap filled buns in foil and place in oven heated to 350 degrees.  

Feed it to someone who will actually eat it

Bone appetit!