The Countess on the Carpet

Today Larainy is so pleased to have Dowager* Countess Violet Grantham of Downton Abby fame as a guest fashion commentator.  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday past and Lady Grantham had plenty of opinions about American formal wear.  The interview took place by telegraph because, duh, the Countess doesn't have a mobile phone.

*dowager: a lady of advanced age who is able to use her acerbic wit to full advantage without consequences

Larainy:  Countess, I'm so pleased to welcome you to Larainy Days.  May I call you Violet?

Countess:  Absolutely not.

Larainy: I don't suppose you are a regular reader?

Countess:  Oh heavens no.  I've quite enough my fill of scandal from the London papers.

Larainy:  I'll show you a celebrity, and you give us your opinion, okay?

Countess:  Let's get on with this shall we, I always have a lie down before tea.

"If this young lady had a proper fitting she wouldn't have to wait for her bosom to grow into her dress"

"Her hair puts me in mind of a border collie I saw working a herd of sheep in the north of England on a dreadfully windy day."

"Evening gowns are not meant to be constructed of the same fabric one uses to cover the drawing room divan."

"Now there's a tasteful gown.  She is obviously not American."

"If a gentleman wants to appear manly, he should choose a lady companion that does not make him appear a dwarf." 

"A fleshy arrow pointing at one's private parts is the height of bad taste."

"This gentleman's dour countenance makes it extremely obvious that this couple had a marital spat prior to arriving and that the lady won."

"In my day one used tissue paper to wrap gifts, not partially drape ones torso."

"It appears that this is another example of a couple involved in a domestic disturbance prior to the event.  The gentleman seems to have strained his hair-pulling arm, but not before he did a substantial amount of damage"










Larainy:  Thank you so much Countess.  Be sure and watch the mail for your thank you gift, a $.50 off coupon for a crunchwrap supreme at Taco Bell.

Countess:  I'll be counting the hours.

Downton Abbey is Spiffing Brilliant!

I've been so nervous anticipating the second installment of Downton Abbey that it has nearly put me off my feed  Oh no!  Now I've gone and done it again, throwing out a horribly vulgar American farm expression, when I have been eating crumpets and trying mightily to be worthy to watch the upper crustian Lord and Lady and the lower crustian servants in this marvelous story.

Here's a run down to bring you up to speed

Lord Robert Crawley has only one job, which is to keep the huge pile of rocks that is his boyhood home from becoming Stonehenge.  This is a difficult job due to constant interruptions to open tiny little letters delivered on a silver tray by his formidable butler, Mr. Carson






Mr. Carson may look like he wants to tear out your cholesterol-clogged American heart, but he is really as gentle as clotted cream




 
Lady Cora Crawley was initially married for her revoltingly modern and obscenely large American fortune but her titled husband grew to love her in spite of her grating non-English accent

Lady Sybil, Lady Mary and Lady Edith are the three feminine progeny of their poor male-inheritorless father.  Mary is the oldest and as mean as a rattlesnake, while Edith is as mean as a slightly homely cobra.  Sybil is as harmless as a garter snake except that she likes to sneak around with the chauffeur to political rallies and once wore harem pants to dinner.

Violet, the oldest Crawley is so condescendingly English that she will make you want to give the United States back to Queen Elizabeth with a note of apology.

The staff, which works 15 hours, 364 1/2 days per year, unless their mother dies--is totally devoted to the Crawley family with the exception of O'Brien and Thomas, who have been known to soap the floor causing the miscarriage of a long awaited male heir,  and raid the wine cellar, respectively.

Tune in to PBS on Sunday to find out if World War I 
causes a starch shortage and resultant fainting spells.

 I can hardly wait!