The Countess on the Carpet

Today Larainy is so pleased to have Dowager* Countess Violet Grantham of Downton Abby fame as a guest fashion commentator.  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday past and Lady Grantham had plenty of opinions about American formal wear.  The interview took place by telegraph because, duh, the Countess doesn't have a mobile phone.

*dowager: a lady of advanced age who is able to use her acerbic wit to full advantage without consequences

Larainy:  Countess, I'm so pleased to welcome you to Larainy Days.  May I call you Violet?

Countess:  Absolutely not.

Larainy: I don't suppose you are a regular reader?

Countess:  Oh heavens no.  I've quite enough my fill of scandal from the London papers.

Larainy:  I'll show you a celebrity, and you give us your opinion, okay?

Countess:  Let's get on with this shall we, I always have a lie down before tea.

"If this young lady had a proper fitting she wouldn't have to wait for her bosom to grow into her dress"

"Her hair puts me in mind of a border collie I saw working a herd of sheep in the north of England on a dreadfully windy day."

"Evening gowns are not meant to be constructed of the same fabric one uses to cover the drawing room divan."

"Now there's a tasteful gown.  She is obviously not American."

"If a gentleman wants to appear manly, he should choose a lady companion that does not make him appear a dwarf." 

"A fleshy arrow pointing at one's private parts is the height of bad taste."

"This gentleman's dour countenance makes it extremely obvious that this couple had a marital spat prior to arriving and that the lady won."

"In my day one used tissue paper to wrap gifts, not partially drape ones torso."

"It appears that this is another example of a couple involved in a domestic disturbance prior to the event.  The gentleman seems to have strained his hair-pulling arm, but not before he did a substantial amount of damage"










Larainy:  Thank you so much Countess.  Be sure and watch the mail for your thank you gift, a $.50 off coupon for a crunchwrap supreme at Taco Bell.

Countess:  I'll be counting the hours.

Red Carpet Retort

I am still groggy from a sleepless night attending post Academy Award Parties.  Although I was not invited to Elton's John pretentious soiree, I did have a cornucopia of choices, including:

• The Waste Management Wingding at In-N-Out
• Fight Night + Celery Sticks  hosted by Naomi Campbell
• Bring Your Own Sack Lunch to the Park hosted by the long suffering "House Cleaning to the Stars" Union.

But let's get down to the real reason Hollywood stars exist, to show us poor folk what we should be wearin' to Kmart.  There was a lot to learn this year.

J Lo came prepared with a semi-attached white snuggy 

in case the theater was too chilly

Someone forgot to tell this guy that he should be 

trying for "bedhead" not "sleeping-bag head"

Everyone tried to crowd in for a picture with

the pregnant woman because, hey, you always

look skinny next to someone who is due tomorrow.

Charlize commits her first fashion faux pas 

when she vastly overestimates her cup size.

Nothing accessorizes like a vintage George Clooney.

Michelle Obama called Monique and

challenged her to an arm wrestle in the Rose Garden

Now we know who used all 

the toilet paper in the ladies room

Ed Asner always brings his favorite date...

his eyebrows

It was nice to meet Edward Cullen's cousin Howard

Now that Avatar has made a few bucks,

maybe James Cameron can afford to feed his wife

Uh... the Gothic Gala is two blocks south

Aunt Betty and Uncle Eugene successfully

crashed another Academy Awards.  

You go guys!

This is what is known as an "awkward Ellen" moment

No, you're not paranoid.

Someone is following you.

Someone must have lost a bet

What you get when you put 

a tablecloth, 3 scarves, and wrestling shoes in a blender

All photos found here

EEEEEEEEK Harmony.com

Woman seeking man who appreciates experience 

and a felt hat worn at a rakish angle

 

Cowgirl seeking cowboy who enjoys being 

whipped about the face with golden gloves.

Spunky policewoman seeks wimpy man

that isn't chained to his work.

Friendly young man with style disability seeks woman 

to help with hairstyling and clothing decisions.  

(Also I could use a pair of ears.)

 

Twelve year old girl seeking two eligible bachelors to marry my grandma and mom so they will have something to do with their time and quit making me dress like them and pose for lame portraits.

 

Trumpet player with limber lips and the beginning of a 

swell mustache seeks woman with the same.

Sheriff Joe's brother Moe seeking new identity.

 

Texas Mother/Daughter combo seeking 

rich husband/daddy who appreciates natural beauty.

Environmentally minded spider surrogate seeks home 

for the 5 million baby black widows spiders that are about to be birthed from their cozy nest on top of my head.

(pix from sexy people.com)

On the Red Carpet in Pink Pajamas

Time for some fashion commentary on what our Hollywood role models were wearing Sunday night at the Golden Globes. 

  

The Genovian Princess was fabulous in a gown hand sewn by the 150 indentured child laborers in the sweat shop located in the dungeon of the Genovian Castle.

This beauty  is clad in the tanned skin of a giant Anaconda.  Before you animal lovers get all worked up; said Anaconda  attacked an innocent indigenous Brazilian and therefore deserved to die.

J Lo hit a new low when she pointed and 

made fun of this redhead because:

a.  the redhead's skin is a ghastly washed out white color with writing on it 

                                          and

b.  the redhead didn't show near as much back skin as J Lo did 

 

This starlet is elegant from her toes clear up to her....
wait a minute.  Don't the windows roll up in your Lexus? 

Next time, don't accesorize with a box of Cheetos.

Oops!  Forgot my tank top.  Good thing 

I remembered my nude adult onesie 

Don't worry if you spill your drink,

I've got plenty of bar rags.

Hey Hollywood, 

I bet I had more fun not watching the Golden Globes 

while eating a gigantic piece of cake 

and wearing pink pajamas