Sacrificing for Science

Dear readers, I continue to tirelessly look after your health by testing the ALARMING rumors about Coke in my state of the art home laboratory (and please pronounce it lub-or-ah-tore-ee because saying it that way whilst stroking your chin adds professionalism.)


Last post I referred to Myth #1. Forgive me, dear reader…it is obviously not a myth until I prove it wrong through scrupulous scientific process, so let us start referring to them as ALERTS. Besides, that sounds much more ALARMING! Let’s get started, there is absolutely no time to waste in saving your health!!!




ALERT #2: You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.


This is TRUE!!! Especially if you put the bowl in the back yard with your dog. It probably won’t even take two days.

ALERT #3: To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

Sorry dear readers, but I just did not have time to carry out this experiment. Oh sure, I can drink a can of coke for science; but I simply do not have time to sit my “real thing” on the toilet for one hour waiting for the Coke to make it through my personal plumbing into my nonpersonal plumbing when I can clean my toilet with a squirt of Pine sol and a scrub brush in about one minute. And to debunk another myth: no one has “vitreous” china any more. There has been a vaccine for that since the 60’s. 




ALERT #4: To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

This requires a list with hollow point bullets


• Ladies, I suggest, that to save your marriage, you try this on a neighbor's car
• The middle of the night would be good
• Pick a neighbors car that does not have a car alarm
• Be prepared for the same sensation you get when chewing on tinfoil
• Let’s face it, rust spots are not worth this kind of agony…even for the sake of science.




ALERT #5: Clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.


I hung around the parking lot of Auto Zone for three hours, volunteering to bubble away corrosion FREE OF CHARGE for a dozen people who were obviously corroded in more ways than one. This is just a sample conversation.


Me: I see you’re having battery trouble.


Corroded Person: Huh?


Me: I can clean the corrosion on your battery terminals for you.


Corroded Person: Huh?


Me: I’ll do it for free if you’ll buy me some Coke.


Corroded Person: I ain’t fallin for that bullcrap. I’m on probation, and you ain’t foolin me with any of them intrampment-type techniques.


Me: Huh?


Sorry, but I'm all worn out from busting myths.  I think I'll go relax,  drink a Diet Coke and bleach some calcium out of my bones.

Myths are Busting Out All Over

A health alert has come to my attention regarding the consumption of Coke, otherwise known as the adult beverage of the chronically sober. It was, to understate it, ALARMING! 

Because I know so many of you, my dear readers imbibe in this bubbly brown beverage with carefree abandon; I have taken it upon myself to ALERT you and test out these ALARMING Coca Cola facts in my state of the art home laboratory.

Myth #1: In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


 
I have an expert in the family for this one, since my brother-in-law is a DPS officer. He was actually born a DPS officer, coming out of the birth canal in tiny little aviator sunglasses.


Me: Hi Keith, can I ask you an important question?


Keith: That depends


Me: On what?


Keith: On whether you are trying to convince me to get you out of another ticket.


Me: Oh you silly…as if. (nervous laughter) Actually, I want to know what you’ve got in the trunk of your patrol car.


Keith: You mean besides the 43 baggies of pot I just confiscated from a Suburban full of snowboarders?


Me: Yeah, besides that. Do highway patrol officers carry two gallons of coke in their trunk to remove blood from the highway?

Keith: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. You kill me Laraine. No one sells gallons of coke. We carry two liters of coke in our trunks.


Me: (Stunned) …You mean it is true?


Keith: Sure, we all carry Coke, but it isn’t to get blood off the highway. We carry organic apple juice with no artificial sweeteners purchased wholesale at Whole Foods Market to clean up the blood.


Me: Oh. What do you do with the Coke?


Keith: Duh, we drink it. What is wrong with you? You better come over so I can check your pupil dilation.


Stay tuned for more results from my Coke laboratory experiments.  I will resume testing as soon as I run to the store for more supplies.


CORRECTION:  Keith informs me he was born by cesarean section and came complete with aviators and in full uniform.