A health alert has come to my attention regarding the consumption of Coke, otherwise known as the adult beverage of the chronically sober. It was, to understate it, ALARMING!
Because I know so many of you, my dear readers imbibe in this bubbly brown beverage with carefree abandon; I have taken it upon myself to ALERT you and test out these ALARMING Coca Cola facts in my state of the art home laboratory.
Myth #1: In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
I have an expert in the family for this one, since my brother-in-law is a DPS officer. He was actually born a DPS officer, coming out of the birth canal in tiny little aviator sunglasses.
Me: Hi Keith, can I ask you an important question?
Keith: That depends
Me: On what?
Keith: On whether you are trying to convince me to get you out of another ticket.
Me: Oh you silly…as if. (nervous laughter) Actually, I want to know what you’ve got in the trunk of your patrol car.
Keith: You mean besides the 43 baggies of pot I just confiscated from a Suburban full of snowboarders?
Me: Yeah, besides that. Do highway patrol officers carry two gallons of coke in their trunk to remove blood from the highway?
Keith: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. You kill me Laraine. No one sells gallons of coke. We carry two liters of coke in our trunks.
Me: (Stunned) …You mean it is true?
Keith: Sure, we all carry Coke, but it isn’t to get blood off the highway. We carry organic apple juice with no artificial sweeteners purchased wholesale at Whole Foods Market to clean up the blood.
Me: Oh. What do you do with the Coke?
Keith: Duh, we drink it. What is wrong with you? You better come over so I can check your pupil dilation.
Stay tuned for more results from my Coke laboratory experiments. I will resume testing as soon as I run to the store for more supplies.
CORRECTION: Keith informs me he was born by cesarean section and came complete with aviators and in full uniform.