Thursday, April 26, 2012

Plastic Surgery Danger Signs

When I was a kid growing up on a ranch,
when someone said they were
"getting some work done" 
it meant building fence, hoeing weeds,  
 bottling tomatoes or a host of other chores.

Now "getting some work done" 
means paying someone else a lot of money 
to work you over 
into what you hope will be a better version of yourself.

Pay attention while Larainy alerts you 
to some 
in the plastic surgery workplace

    • If you found your doctor because of a hand written advertisement with a tear off number on a grocery store bulletin board 

    • If the doctor's office windows are covered with newspaper and the reception area has leaking bean bag chairs repaired with duct tape

    • If liposuction room  has a dustbuster mounted on the wall

    • When you inquire about "lip plumping", your doctor pulls out a syringe and begins filling it with
    •  Your doctors solution to stubborn belly fat is to sell you a $900 pair of industrial Spanx and a elongating fun house mirror
    • His anesthesiologist wears a tool belt with a big mallet
    • A year after your procedure is done your friends keep asking you if you need to lie down or volunteering to bring you dinner while you recover from your car accident

    P.S.  I have enabled comment moderation 
    due to an exciting new following of neanderthals!

    Thursday, April 19, 2012

    Newt's Wild Kingdom

    Newt Gingrich bitten by penguin at zoo, a place where he loves to go

    Newt Gingrich with a binturong bearcat in 1995. (Joe Marquette/AP

    Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin at the Saint Louis Zoo on Friday during a private tour, zoo officials said.
    The candidate was on the tour before giving a speech to the National Rifle Association convention when "he was nipped on the finger" by a Magellanic penguin."


    Of course, Larainy could not help but dig deeper into this outrageous miscarriage of animal/political justice/injustice.  

    Me:  Hey, you in the penguin suit.  Are you the malefactor that assaulted Newt?

    Penguin:  Yeah, that's me.  And if you want to make something of it swim across that moat and stick one of those bony fingers my way.

    Me:  Gee, what got your glossy feathers in such a bunch?

    Penguin:  (Pulls wallet out of secret penguin pocket)  See this?  Do you know what this is?

    Me:  Your Costco card?

    Penguin:  No, you dunderhead.  I'm a card carrying member of the ACLU and I don't like politicians who give speeches at the NRA.

    Me:  You're a member of the American Civil Liberties Union?

    Penguin:  Of course I am, and I'm a Democrat too.  Haven't you seen "March of the Penguins"?  That was just a warm up march.  We're headed for Washington just as soon as Al Gore's hot air melts the rest of the polar ice.

    Me:  What cause are you marching for?

    Penguin:  The right for every penguin to be given a top hat and cane.  It's outrageous that we've been forced to live in formal wear for centuries without accessories.  We can keep eggs in the hats and those canes will come in handy during hockey season.

    Me:  I think you better get a move on if you're going to march on Washington.

    Penguin:  Don't I know it.  We don't stand a chance if Mitt Romney is president.  Now there's a finger I'd like to bite.

    Monday, April 16, 2012

    My Lost Friend

    I've lost my camera!

    The last time I remember using it was when I surreptitiously took a rear view shot of the 400 lb. man wearing low riding gangster shorts and an enormous white t-shirt riding a mini bike in the Safeway parking lot.  I promise you would have liked it.

    The camera was old, but like all old friends was extremely trustworthy.  Now, alas I'm afraid it is gone forever.  But, if you come across a Canon powershot that contains, but is not limited to, these precious memories frozen on my memory card...
    • a blurry image of Elvis pumping gas in Clovis, New Mexico
    • 893 shots of my adorable grandchildren
    • a darling image of my freshly painted toenails, including the super-long second toe on my right foot that I can do tricks with
    • several humbling self portraits
    • a damning shot of John Stamos cutting in line at Disneyland
    and return it, I'll take you to lunch at Tia Rosa's

    Friday, April 13, 2012

    Sorry, I'm Huffy

    Precluding a woman
    from having an opinion
    about national affairs
    because she is a stay at home mom,
    makes as much sense
    as saying a working mom
    knows nothing about raising children.

    Both are nonsensical

    Wednesday, April 11, 2012

    The New Oprah

    There are some people born to be on television

    Somebody please give her a talk show.

    Monday, April 9, 2012

    How Pinterest Almost Killed My Dog

    Lured by a luscious recipe for Rosemary Olive Oil Bread 
    from the bounteous plenitude of deliciousness 
    that gluts Pinterest all the live long day, 
    I measured and mixed and created a dough blob 
    with fresh rosemary snipped from the garden.  

    I put it out to rise on in the warm sun on top of my outdoor grill.
    where the yeasty fragrance got the better of my greedy ol' Nixon.
     The first 24 hours were fine,
    he frolicked
     like he didn't have a 3 lb. rosemary dough blob
    dragging his belly to the ground.

    I made another dough blob
    and it turned out like this.
     It didn't hurt our bellies at all
    although they also may have been dragging
    a little closer to the ground.

    But then,
    the fruits of his theft
    bloomed into
    something very pinteresting
    in Nixon's belly.
    He put the woe in woebegone for about three hours.
    I thought maybe it might develop into

    But he survived
    and says he'd do it again in a heartbeat


    Tuesday, April 3, 2012

    Mystery on I-40

    We were traveling a busy road from California to Arizona.
    Boring, predictable.

    Until we got in back of this vehicle.
    What was that scary thing in the back window?

    Was it even alive?

    It haunts me still.