Monday, November 28, 2011

Clearing Out the Blogwebs

image found here
I spent a lovely Thanksgiving week sweeping out the blogwebs from my brain.

In addition to this bit of cerebral housekeeping, I also...

Sold an old bed on Craigslist to a sweet old couple; the male half of the equation consisting of a quaint, small man who seemed to have appeared right out of middle earth (ala Frodo). My old twin bed will fit him like a California King.

Bought a new bed and sewed  pillows and curtains in a creative frenzy

 Welcomed home the tall boys from college

Played a goodly amount of Monopoly Deal

Ate ice cream after a bike ride through Indian Bend Park in Scottsdale

Discovered a new way to cut a tall boy's hair

Watched a great movie (on DVD), made from a great book

Enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with family and ate a prodigious amount
...but not quite this much

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dawn Breaks at Midnight

Breaking Dawn is going to break before dawn at approximately midnight tonight. 


There will be giddy teenage girls and  women wearing t-shirts like these...

 professing their allegiance to either the hairy modified werewolf Jacob, or the sparkly modified vampire Edward.

I plan to protest outside my favorite theater wearing my protest t-shirt

You know Dobby don't you?  He's the noble house-elf from Harry Potter that bears a striking resemblance to Vladimir Putin. 

Let us compare and contrast the qualities of 
Jacob, Edward and Dobby

Team Jacob
Good teeth
Good provider if you like rabbits
Gets the Native American casino discount
Team Edward
Bad teeth
Bad provider: never brings the venison home
Cool, marbleized skin surface very refreshing on a hot day

Team Dobby
No teeth
Great provider: can fill the pantry with the flick of a wand
Will sleep on the hearth, freeing up the guest room
No potential for making your husband jealous
Scares away burglars but kind to the dog

 Sorry Twilight, but my magical creature 
beats yours every day of the week

Monday, November 14, 2011

Lost in the Frost

image found here
Last week Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry suffered a prolonged bout of brain freeze during a nationally televised debate.  His gaffe came very close to being unseen because it was part of the 579th debate held by an exhausted Republican field watched only by an audience who had been promised a frozen turkey and one can of Del Monte creamed corn for tuning in.  But, due to one alert cameraman tanked up with a 44 oz. Dr. Pepper, the moment was recorded and is currently being replayed ad nauseum.  

Perry's brain freeze occurred when he tried to come up with a list of three government agencies he was going to cut. 

I hate to be blunt, but hey Rick...duh.

Any search for a list of more than two items through a dusty old-style rolodex type noggin covered with graying hair is never going to end well!

Larainy is sorry for getting technical, but would like to provide to you, dear reader, a scientific explanation of exactly what happened.

Perry's stress induced adrenaline caused crystals to begin forming in the cerebrum's left frontal lobe which spread through the limbic system, in turn icing the 300 million nerve fibers called the corpus callosum, which shut down the dendrites and turned the brain into this
image found here
 ...all in the space of 3 seconds. The drops of moisture on Perry's forehead were not sweat, but melting ice.  It was a classic and highly visible example of glacialis cerebrum or brain freeze.

The President of the United States should be someone inspiring, who makes me feel good about myself, and suddenly, Rick Perry is a very viable candidate.***

***Should not be considered an endorsement.  All major candidates have offered Larainy vast sums of money NOT to endorse them.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Come On Baby Light My Kindle

I spend a lot of time glued to my kindle and I'm always looking for a cheap book.  After all, if I got a classic like "Pride and Prejudice" for free, why should I pay 14 bucks for something by Nicholas Sparks, who can't write his way out of a soggy Victoria's Secret bag.

But... even Larainy's cheap nature has its limits.  I refuse to download the following titles, even if they are as free as 14 day old powdered sugar donuts at the dollar store.

Bunions: A Comprehensive History in Three Volumes
by Frank Corn

War and Peas: Vegetarian Activism
by Emmitt Badger

Deportment for Young Ladies
by Lindsay Lohan

The Secret Life of Beezus
by Ramona Quimby

The Cellulite Cookbook: 600 Recipes Featuring Cottage Cheese

So You Think You Can Dance...But You Can't
By the N.A.A.C.P

The Big Book of Bedbugs: Read, Squirm, Squash & Burn

Going the Distance: My Life During Third Grade
By Justin Bieber 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Fashion Crime in Moscow

Whenever I get smug thinking of myself as a very grounded person with a lack of vanity because I haven't resorted to turtlenecks to cover my wrinkly neck, a memory comes trickling back, up through the hourglass that has already dispersed the sands of time.  

That is when I remember Moscow and the crappy pants.   (I must apologize for my public use of the word "crappy" because my mother raised me better than this.  She also taught us all not to say the "f" word which of course is fart.   Sorry Mom.  I promise that I will never use the "f" word in a blog title.)


Two years ago we took a trip to Russia with my daughter and son-in-law, who had served there on his LDS mission.  

We arrived in Moscow early in the morning after twitching our way through the long night sleeping on the plane.  After a shower and a breakfast of the best yogurt on the planet, I donned the first of my carefully planned interchangeable outfits, a staple of which was an expensive pair of black ankle pants that I found on sale for practically nothing, which made them even more adorable.  They fit perfectly and I couldn't wait to wear them. 

We set out for the enormous  Izmailovsky outdoor flea market where you can purchase  matryoshka nesting dolls of anything from United States football teams to Russian czars, chess sets, enormous knives and WWII German helmets.      

I saw myself reflected in a mirror and thought to myself, "Wow, those pants don't look as good as I thought".  This is when I discovered the chilling truth.  My cute pants were 6000 miles away and I had packed my crappy pants, the crappy pants that were meant to go in the donation pile to be recycled and sold to fulfill the life long dream of some other woman who was willing, as I had been, to wear crappy pants.

The rest of my day in Moscow I was totally preoccupied with thoughts like these.
Hey you... old guy selling chess sets, don't look at these crappy pants!  
They are not reflective of American style!

Hey you...6' 6" beautiful Russian woman!  
Just because American tourists don't wear stilettos to the flea market 
doesn't mean they always wear crappy pants!

I mourned my egregious packing mistake during the entire two days we spent in Moscow, even after I changed out of the crappy pants

My vanity. Both crime and punishment

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

To Pin or Not to Pin: That is the Question

I signed up for
 because everyone was doing it.

Now I have bulletin boards full of nothing
but white space--mocking me,
taunting me with their vast dull vacuity.

 I am receiving emails notifying me
that people are following me
and the pressure is killing me.

 What can I pin?
Can I even recognize cute?
What if all my favorite quotes come from 
"The Big Bathroom Joke Book"?
Would anyone take a serious Larainy seriously?
The pressure is building

 Ahhhh, now that's pinteresting.