Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Exorcism on Enrose Street

I feel so much better now that I have rid my home of an evil presence.  

Namely, this
This atrocity has been haunting my home for nearly a year.  My son Joey innocently brought it home from a scavenger hunt, not realizing the effect it would have on all of us.  

This "couch size" horror was painted by someone under the influence of fermented cactus jelly purchased in the "Hi Jolly Arizona Gift Shop".  Dripping with pink and turquoise, it cast a spell of touristiness that caused us to desire t-shirts with kokopelli and howling coyotes.  We found ourselves driving 15 miles per hour with our blinkers on, saying "Hey, would ya look at those cacti with their arms all up in the air!" We laid out by the pool side in January and wore our fiery sunburns underneath our khaki shorts and golf shirts.

But that is all over now.  We are free

If you want your own haunted house, go to Goodwill and you can buy it back.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Small Town Police Report

I hope you had brain food instead of Diet Coke for breakfast because it is time to play...


a. A man named Clovis reported he received a check in the mail with a letter stating he won the lottery. He took the check to the bank and found it was fake. He wanted police to be aware of the situation.

b. A woman named Ernestita reported she received a child support payment in the form of a letter stating her ex-husband had won the lottery. She took it to the bank and found it was fake. She wanted the police to go over and arrest her husband, sending him to prison for life so she could sell his truck, kick out that trampy woman named Lucinda and let all his plants die.

c. A woman named Lucinda reported that a woman named Ernestita had attacked her and ripped the leopard print jumpsuit that she bought in Vegas. She stated that while "that no good Clovis is replaceable, the leopard print jumpsuit is not".

a. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a rooster on the playground. The animal control officer chased it across the street. He spoke to the owner who said a person was picking the rooster up that night to butcher it for food.
b. Maggie Upchurch reported a possible satanic ritual on the Goat Valley Elementary playground involving a rooster hanging from the monkey bars and kids chanting and circling in a “children of the corn” type manner.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School menu for Friday: 

buttered corn
celery sticks 
rooster nuggets

a. Police received a report that a man was in a field just past Lizard Hill shooting prairie dogs from his truck. He said the bullets were going toward a business. Officers responded and the man said he was new to the area and didn't realize the area was inside town limits. He admitted shooting prairie dogs with a .22-caliber, adding his son sometimes did the same. He said they wouldn't do it any more.

b. Police cited an unlicensed vendor across from Wally’s Hardware selling prairie dog products (i.e. Prairie Dog European-style shoulder bags, deep fried prairie dog on a stick, and prairie dog moccasins)

c. Selma Cooney reports that she got food poisoning from eating “that greasy no good prairie-dog on a stick” and wants someone to pay for her antidiahrreal medication and loss of consortium.

a. A probation officer stated that Stella Floody came in for a probation meeting and was found to be in possession of multiple items of drug paraphernalia. On scene tests of residue from the items showed positive for methamphetamine. 

b. Morris Flewster appeared in court for DUI sentencing exuding a strong odor of alcohol. He stated that he had become despondent and been on a three day bender ever since his girlfriend Stella Floody had disappeared from his life.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a playground altercation between Cy Floody and Fern Flewster involving inacceptable language, sand throwing and fisticuffs. 

What do you think?  Which are the real items and which are fake?  
(Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wicked Bad Hair Day

The following factors can lead to a bad hair day:

  • Using lotion when you run out of conditioner 
  • A curling iron with a defective temperature regulator that crisps your hair causing it to smell like you are branding calves in a Spring roundup

  • Mistaking Nair for Pantene

  • A malfunctioning spark shooting blow dryer 

  •  Inattention while styling due to too much critical attention of your naked self in steamy mirror.

  • Hairspray induced high resulting in an excess of teasing

If any of these have ever happened to you, cheer up Charlie, I'm sure you didn't look as bad as these unfortunate fellow earthlings.

 Which is scarier, his hair or his face?  You choose.

Carefree, windblown bachelor seeking a strong woman 
with electric clippers to wrestle me down 
and put my hair out of its misery.

Did you know Mr. Bean is living in Jamaica 
trying out for a Reggae band?

This is why I believe in BB guns

Humidity really adds volume

Princess Diana couldn't help this man
and neither can Camilla

Oh wait...this was a bad scalp day

The jury only took 11 minutes to
convict Phil Spector's hair to life in prison.
(Obviously he had already been electrocuted)

The Red Queen and Bellatrix portrayed 
in one massive messy tangle on top of 
Helena Bonham Carter's head

I feel your pain buddy.  
I'm just glad I can't smell you

The Donald continues his generous public service: 
making us all feel better about our hair

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Con FESS ional

Fess Parker, TV's `Davy Crockett,' dies at 85

Published: 3/19/10, 9:45 AM EDT
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Fess Parker, a television icon to a generation of youngsters as Davy Crockett and later Daniel Boone, has died at the age of 85 of natural causes.

Am I the only woman crying over the death of Fess Parker?  Don't tell me that you aren't wailing over the loss of this long legged, coonskin capped, rifle totin' hunk of rugged manliness!  Every childhood week I used to take my bath, put on my pink nightgown and comb the tangles out of my hair in front of my hero as he fought bears and ate jerky in glorious black in white on our little television with the rounded corners.  

I spent hours with my cousins in the wilderness  1/4 mile beyond our home building an elaborate "Daniel Boone Fort" amongst the junipers.  We laboriously ground chunks of sandstone into "gunpowder" to fend off Indian attacks, seeing no irony in the fact that our Navajo foster sister was joining in enthusiastically.

I worshiped Daniel Boone's family, including his daughter Jemima who I imagined would like to come to my house and make me pancakes.

I planned to name my first son Israel, like the little boy with the blond Hollywood haircut who got to wear moccasins every day.

I was thrilled by Daniel's sidekick, Mingo; a fake Indian with badly barbered bangs that cut albums when he wasn't backing up Daniel Boone.  Mingo was good, but not quite worthy of wearing a rodent pelt on his head.  That honor belonged only to my Daniel.

I feel sorry for my kids.  Their TV heroes were total wimps compared to my frontiersmen.

Daniel and Mingo would have mopped the floor with these blowdried fluffy city boys.

My world isn't quite as safe now that Daniel Boone is gone; although I hear the raccoons are all having a party.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Wonderful World of Disney

When Uncle Walt Disney called Disneyland "The Happiest Place on Earth",  he was basically fibbing because he wasn't rich yet and he hadn't really traveled, so he had no idea where the happiest place on earth was.  When Walt finally had enough money to travel, he went to Switzerland and said, "Holy moly, this is way happier than Anaheim!  Oh well, too late now." 

I'm glad I didn't go to Disneyland when it first opened because 

a)  They didn't sell churros back in the olden days.  (They sold biscuits, corn pone and raccoon on a stick)  

b)  The first ride was on a gunnysack pulled by a burro (aka "Brighty of the Grand Canyon")

We just got back from Disneyland and while I stood in line I obsessively checked my happiness meter.  There were definitely some happy moments, such as...

  • The thrill of walking like the Queen of England in the fast pass lane past hundreds of serfs who waited 85 minutes for Indiana Jones to inflict permanent spinal damage while I got the "no-waiting"permanent spinal damage.

  • The thrill of bumping into friends to hang out with--the kind of friends who buy you a poncho to keep your Disneyland coiffure intact after your ride in a hollowed log through Splash Mountain so that later, when you meet Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean you will still look smokin' hot.

  •  The thrill of knocking the head off a singing foreign child-robot with a freshly purchased light saber during an 5-hour trip through "It's a Small World".

    • The thrill of meeting lots of friendly people like these
       (This is what happened whenever I tried to start a "Supercalifragilisticexpealadocious" singalong)

      •  The thrill of seeing real ears, amongst the Mickey ears.
       And finally...
      •  The thrill of leaving "The Happiest Place on Earth" and finding out I was still happy. 

      Sunday, March 14, 2010

      Sacrificing for Science

      Dear readers, I continue to tirelessly look after your health by testing the ALARMING rumors about Coke in my state of the art home laboratory (and please pronounce it lub-or-ah-tore-ee because saying it that way whilst stroking your chin adds professionalism.)

      Last post I referred to Myth #1. Forgive me, dear reader…it is obviously not a myth until I prove it wrong through scrupulous scientific process, so let us start referring to them as ALERTS. Besides, that sounds much more ALARMING! Let’s get started, there is absolutely no time to waste in saving your health!!!

      ALERT #2: You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

      This is TRUE!!! Especially if you put the bowl in the back yard with your dog. It probably won’t even take two days.

      ALERT #3: To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

      Sorry dear readers, but I just did not have time to carry out this experiment. Oh sure, I can drink a can of coke for science; but I simply do not have time to sit my “real thing” on the toilet for one hour waiting for the Coke to make it through my personal plumbing into my nonpersonal plumbing when I can clean my toilet with a squirt of Pine sol and a scrub brush in about one minute. And to debunk another myth: no one has “vitreous” china any more. There has been a vaccine for that since the 60’s. 

      ALERT #4: To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

      This requires a list with hollow point bullets

      • Ladies, I suggest, that to save your marriage, you try this on a neighbor's car
      • The middle of the night would be good
      • Pick a neighbors car that does not have a car alarm
      • Be prepared for the same sensation you get when chewing on tinfoil
      • Let’s face it, rust spots are not worth this kind of agony…even for the sake of science.

      ALERT #5: Clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

      I hung around the parking lot of Auto Zone for three hours, volunteering to bubble away corrosion FREE OF CHARGE for a dozen people who were obviously corroded in more ways than one. This is just a sample conversation.

      Me: I see you’re having battery trouble.

      Corroded Person: Huh?

      Me: I can clean the corrosion on your battery terminals for you.

      Corroded Person: Huh?

      Me: I’ll do it for free if you’ll buy me some Coke.

      Corroded Person: I ain’t fallin for that bullcrap. I’m on probation, and you ain’t foolin me with any of them intrampment-type techniques.

      Me: Huh?

      Sorry, but I'm all worn out from busting myths.  I think I'll go relax,  drink a Diet Coke and bleach some calcium out of my bones.

      Friday, March 12, 2010

      Myths are Busting Out All Over

      A health alert has come to my attention regarding the consumption of Coke, otherwise known as the adult beverage of the chronically sober. It was, to understate it, ALARMING! 

      Because I know so many of you, my dear readers imbibe in this bubbly brown beverage with carefree abandon; I have taken it upon myself to ALERT you and test out these ALARMING Coca Cola facts in my state of the art home laboratory.

      Myth #1: In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

      I have an expert in the family for this one, since my brother-in-law is a DPS officer. He was actually born a DPS officer, coming out of the birth canal in tiny little aviator sunglasses.

      Me: Hi Keith, can I ask you an important question?

      Keith: That depends

      Me: On what?

      Keith: On whether you are trying to convince me to get you out of another ticket.

      Me: Oh you silly…as if. (nervous laughter) Actually, I want to know what you’ve got in the trunk of your patrol car.

      Keith: You mean besides the 43 baggies of pot I just confiscated from a Suburban full of snowboarders?

      Me: Yeah, besides that. Do highway patrol officers carry two gallons of coke in their trunk to remove blood from the highway?

      Keith: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. You kill me Laraine. No one sells gallons of coke. We carry two liters of coke in our trunks.

      Me: (Stunned) …You mean it is true?

      Keith: Sure, we all carry Coke, but it isn’t to get blood off the highway. We carry organic apple juice with no artificial sweeteners purchased wholesale at Whole Foods Market to clean up the blood.

      Me: Oh. What do you do with the Coke?

      Keith: Duh, we drink it. What is wrong with you? You better come over so I can check your pupil dilation.

      Stay tuned for more results from my Coke laboratory experiments.  I will resume testing as soon as I run to the store for more supplies.

      CORRECTION:  Keith informs me he was born by cesarean section and came complete with aviators and in full uniform.

      Wednesday, March 10, 2010

      Cranial Canoeing

      Time to crawl into Laraine’s ear canal, burrow through the earwax and paddle around the cerebral fluid in her cranium in a little canoe while collecting her wispy little wonderings with a butterfly net.

       Who would be a better babysitter?

       The Mad Hatter


       Jack Sparrow?


      Is American Idol 


      Americans idle?


      How many times a day does 

      Rahm Emanuel tell Obama

      "You are sooooo good looking”?

      Is the opposition organization to “Locks of Love” 
      “Locks of Hate”? 
      And can I offer them a two pound donation 
      that I fished out of my bathtub drain with a crochet hook?

      Is it ever too early to learn the lesson that life isn’t fair?

      Monday, March 8, 2010

      Red Carpet Retort

      I am still groggy from a sleepless night attending post Academy Award Parties.  Although I was not invited to Elton's John pretentious soiree, I did have a cornucopia of choices, including:
      • The Waste Management Wingding at In-N-Out
      • Fight Night + Celery Sticks  hosted by Naomi Campbell
      • Bring Your Own Sack Lunch to the Park hosted by the long suffering "House Cleaning to the Stars" Union.
      But let's get down to the real reason Hollywood stars exist, to show us poor folk what we should be wearin' to Kmart.  There was a lot to learn this year.

      J Lo came prepared with a semi-attached white snuggy 
      in case the theater was too chilly

      Someone forgot to tell this guy that he should be 
      trying for "bedhead" not "sleeping-bag head"

      Everyone tried to crowd in for a picture with
      the pregnant woman because, hey, you always
      look skinny next to someone who is due tomorrow.

      Charlize commits her first fashion faux pas 
      when she vastly overestimates her cup size.

      Nothing accessorizes like a vintage George Clooney.

      Michelle Obama called Monique and
      challenged her to an arm wrestle in the Rose Garden

      Now we know who used all 
      the toilet paper in the ladies room

      Ed Asner always brings his favorite date...
      his eyebrows

      It was nice to meet Edward Cullen's cousin Howard

      Now that Avatar has made a few bucks,
      maybe James Cameron can afford to feed his wife

      Uh... the Gothic Gala is two blocks south

      Aunt Betty and Uncle Eugene successfully
      crashed another Academy Awards.  
      You go guys!

      This is what is known as an "awkward Ellen" moment

      No, you're not paranoid.
      Someone is following you.

      Someone must have lost a bet

      What you get when you put 
      a tablecloth, 3 scarves, and wrestling shoes in a blender

      All photos found here