Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Starting the Second Term Off With a Bang

I can't believe you're up already! 
Aren't you exhausted from all the inauguration festivities?  Oh, you weren't invited?  
Well neither was I but that is not going to keep me from giving you 
the inside scoop of gossip flavored ice cream 
with fibs sprinkled liberally on top.
 It all started out with a bang, 
specifically the ones on Michelle Obama's forehead.  
Her hair received so much national press 
that President Obama immediately issued 
this executive order as part of his gun control initiative:
Heretofore the first lady shall be said to possess  
"wisps or tendrils"  
instead of 
which have an unfortunate violent connotation.

Prior to singing the National Anthem, the first lady instructs Beyonce to stay away from her man or she will find out what "the rockets red glare" looks like coming out from under her fake eyelashes

Kelly Clarkson belted "My Country Tis of Thee" while the supreme court justices, led by Antonin Scalia in a Renaissance cap made of black velvet scowled appreciatively.

 Sasha and Malia asserted their independence at the Inaugural luncheon when they refused to eat "hickory grilled bison with wild huckleberry reduction sauce"
Sasha, the resourceful older sister pulled out two contraband twinkies from her specially insulated purse and the girls nibbled away during the boring toasts.

President and Mrs. Obama walked parts of the parade route while the secret service threw healthy candy made of tofu for the youngsters in the crowd

 And finally the eventful day was capped off by the President and Mrs. Obama scurrying around to tango at as many inaugural balls as they could it too.  These included:
  • The Global Warming Ball , which was held outside on the Capitol Mall due to global warming
  • The NRA Hootenanny Square Dance (in the spirit of bipartisanship)
  • The  Uncle Joe Biden Disco Sleepover
  • The Windfarmers Cotillion
Today, it's back to work, so hold on to your wallet!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Countess on the Carpet

Today Larainy is so pleased to have Dowager* Countess Violet Grantham of Downton Abby fame as a guest fashion commentator.  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday past and Lady Grantham had plenty of opinions about American formal wear.  The interview took place by telegraph because, duh, the Countess doesn't have a mobile phone.

*dowager: a lady of advanced age who is able to use her acerbic wit to full advantage without consequences

Larainy:  Countess, I'm so pleased to welcome you to Larainy Days.  May I call you Violet?

Countess:  Absolutely not.

Larainy: I don't suppose you are a regular reader?

Countess:  Oh heavens no.  I've quite enough my fill of scandal from the London papers.

Larainy:  I'll show you a celebrity, and you give us your opinion, okay?

Countess:  Let's get on with this shall we, I always have a lie down before tea.

"If this young lady had a proper fitting she wouldn't have to wait for her bosom to grow into her dress"

"Her hair puts me in mind of a border collie I saw working a herd of sheep in the north of England on a dreadfully windy day."

"Evening gowns are not meant to be constructed of the same fabric one uses to cover the drawing room divan."

"Now there's a tasteful gown.  She is obviously not American."

"If a gentleman wants to appear manly, he should choose a lady companion that does not make him appear a dwarf." 

"A fleshy arrow pointing at one's private parts is the height of bad taste."

"This gentleman's dour countenance makes it extremely obvious that this couple had a marital spat prior to arriving and that the lady won."

"In my day one used tissue paper to wrap gifts, not partially drape ones torso."

"It appears that this is another example of a couple involved in a domestic disturbance prior to the event.  The gentleman seems to have strained his hair-pulling arm, but not before he did a substantial amount of damage"

Larainy:  Thank you so much Countess.  Be sure and watch the mail for your thank you gift, a $.50 off coupon for a crunchwrap supreme at Taco Bell.

Countess:  I'll be counting the hours.