Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Countess on the Carpet

Today Larainy is so pleased to have Dowager* Countess Violet Grantham of Downton Abby fame as a guest fashion commentator.  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday past and Lady Grantham had plenty of opinions about American formal wear.  The interview took place by telegraph because, duh, the Countess doesn't have a mobile phone.

*dowager: a lady of advanced age who is able to use her acerbic wit to full advantage without consequences

Larainy:  Countess, I'm so pleased to welcome you to Larainy Days.  May I call you Violet?

Countess:  Absolutely not.

Larainy: I don't suppose you are a regular reader?

Countess:  Oh heavens no.  I've quite enough my fill of scandal from the London papers.

Larainy:  I'll show you a celebrity, and you give us your opinion, okay?

Countess:  Let's get on with this shall we, I always have a lie down before tea.

"If this young lady had a proper fitting she wouldn't have to wait for her bosom to grow into her dress"

"Her hair puts me in mind of a border collie I saw working a herd of sheep in the north of England on a dreadfully windy day."

"Evening gowns are not meant to be constructed of the same fabric one uses to cover the drawing room divan."

"Now there's a tasteful gown.  She is obviously not American."

"If a gentleman wants to appear manly, he should choose a lady companion that does not make him appear a dwarf." 

"A fleshy arrow pointing at one's private parts is the height of bad taste."

"This gentleman's dour countenance makes it extremely obvious that this couple had a marital spat prior to arriving and that the lady won."

"In my day one used tissue paper to wrap gifts, not partially drape ones torso."

"It appears that this is another example of a couple involved in a domestic disturbance prior to the event.  The gentleman seems to have strained his hair-pulling arm, but not before he did a substantial amount of damage"

Larainy:  Thank you so much Countess.  Be sure and watch the mail for your thank you gift, a $.50 off coupon for a crunchwrap supreme at Taco Bell.

Countess:  I'll be counting the hours.


Marti said...

LOL, isn't it nice to have a dowager around to make the comments that refined ladies like us can only think?

Laurel said...

I've been waiting for your report on fashion this week. So glad you found good help.

Anonymous said...

Me thinks the Countess needs to remove the barnacles from her own head dress before casting stones

Unknown said...

love. all of it.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Your captions made me laugh out loud...literally :)

I like your blog :)

Pondside said...

The fleshy arrow - thank you for this very bright spot in an otherwise-grey day. I absolutely loved this - love your wit, which strikes me as much more British than American. (Not to cast aspersions on American wit!)

Auntie sezzzzzz... said...

Noted a comment by you, on another blog. Popped over to see you and your blog. Oh wow, what WIT!!!!!

Oh no! Please no! Eeeeek! I fear I have found yet another blog, to read. -sigh- -moan- -pout-

I can't find another witty, cute, enjoyable, fun blog! I can't! I can't! I can't, I tell you! -sob-

Oh well, maybe just ONE more.

There simply are not that many out there, with all those qualifications ya' know.


I can do that.

I can. I can. I can.

Gentle hugs,
(From over in the NE, of the USA)

karen said...

Oh Laraine, what would I have done without your review of the Globes? The Countess was spot on, I might add. I do love the ridiculous, don't you?

Holly said...

Oh how I've missed you! Did you just post this today so I won't yell at you tomorrow at lunch for not blogging?

Melynda@Scratch Made Food! said...

Oh my heavens, it was safe of me to NOT remember to RSVP for this event. My gown would have won the fashion opinion of all, being from America and all........but I do love to hear the British speak.

CB said...

Spot on!!

Anonymous said...

Your gift to the Countess is MOST generous! How could she not love you?

I am SO happy to have met you at lunch today. What a pleasure to know you. xoxoxox

Unknown said...

Violet nailed it.

Melissa said...

I have missed your posts! This one was hilarious. The George Clooney one was my favorite :)

Anthony Hopper said...

Cool blog post!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Hahahahaha! If life were fair, Joan Rivers would lose her job and be replaced by the Countess and her hilarious Larainy mouthpiece.

Jilly said...

Oh my gosh! How do you come up with this stuff? You have to be one of the funniest people in America! Thanks for making me laugh tonight. I needed it!