Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Plate is About You

If you have a car registered in Arizona
you can pay $25.00 extra each year
for a vanity license plate.

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination
or the imagination of someone else who is not a procrastinator like you are.

Larainy's crack research team has done some research in case you are

a.  vain
b.  live in Arizona 
c.  have $25 burning a hole in your pocket because gas prices have plummeted to $3.41 per gallon.

HUMBLE and PROUD are not available
 IAMVAIN and URVAIN are available

GROOVY, COOLMAN and FAROUT are not available
GRODY is available

STUPID and STOOPID are not available
STUEPID and IMDUMB are available

POOPEE, POOP, POOPY and PEEPEE are not available
POOPPEE is available

CUTIE, CUTEY,  and CUTEE are not available
COOTIES is available

BRILYNT is not available
BRYLYNT is available

IMMEAN and URNICE are not available
IMNICE and URMEAN are available

CAUTION and DANGER are not available
SAFDRVR is available

ASLEEP, AWAKE and TIRED are not available
NODOZE is available

LAZYBUM is not available
BUMLAZY is available

LARAINY is available
but the only person who wants it is too cheap to spring for it.

Now get out there and create people.  
I need something to read while I'm tailgating you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Tub Fiction
Separate bath tubs
No running water
Biting sand flies
He forgot the shampoo
No towels 
Rapidly cooling bath water
Occasional scent of rotting walrus carcass wafting by 
Nearby Boy Scout troop earning lifesaving merit badge
Prune skin

Even a miracle pill can't solve these problems

Friday, June 24, 2011

Hold Your Horses

They call it Pueblo Viejo because if you walk to old town 
in San Juan Puerto Rico during the 
warm and humid month of Junio you age 5 years per mile

 I walked 2 miles and I am not smiling, 
I am gritting my teeth while I pant

I tried to wrestle this homemade unicycle loose, 
But my husband told me it was an art installation

When I saw Burger King I knew cold pop
and hot french fries would save my life

Me:  Let me order for us in Spanish

Husband:  (doubtful wrinkled brow) Are you sure?

Me:  Si.  Es fácil.

Husband:  (Brow wrinkles deepen)  Good, because I need to use the facilities.

I approach the register and smile cheerfully in my best friendly-American manner.

Me:   Por favor, un doble whopper con queso.  

Burger King niño:  With cheese?

My eyes narrow to a squint as I size up the annoyingly self assured youth across the counter.  So, it's going to be like this is it?  I speak bad Spanish and you counter with good English Muy bien Senor, muy bien.

Me:  Si, con queso pero sin caballos

Burger King niño:  You don't want horses?

Me:  What?  I mean ¿Qué? Oh, I, I mean pero sin cebollas

Burger King niño:  (Cracking a condescending pimply smile.) Ohhhhh, you don't want onions.  Will that be all?

Me:  No.  (Nervous clearing of throat)  También, numero tres con queso, un medio

Burger King niño:  Number three with cheese, medium?

Me:  Yeah, that's right.  A number three and quit pretending that you didn't understand every syllable of my perfectly accented español 101. 

Burger King niño:    ¿Qué? Yo no le comprendo.

Me:  Well played, mi amigo.  Well played.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What I Smelled on My Summer Vacation

Sorry for the gaping hole I left in the blogosphere during recent days while I was on vacation  My husband advised, "Don't tell everyone we're going out of town."  He thinks my readership is comprised mainly of convicted felons plotting to steal our empty cottage cheese container collection.  Who can argue with logic like that.  Thanks to all you criminals out there that left our valuables undisturbed.

The first leg of our journey was a red-eye flight which is as recreational as having to wash your own dishes after dinner in a nice restaurant.  You pay handsomely for the privilege of being strapped into a skinny chair on well used upholstery next to a stranger while lying awake all night.

We took off, gained altitude and about the time the lights in the cabin were lowered it began.  

A gas leak.  
An organic gas leak.
8.3 on the sphincter scale 
From a body of unknown origin.  
A body much too local to ignore.

It was not a scent, it was a smell.  A stench as full bodied as an NFL lineman.  It didn't waft, it bolted through the air as if shot from compound bow.  It was a odor that merged elements of bat guano and old fruit, of a mishap in a 10th grade chemistry lab and wet german shepherd.  It was robust, fibrous and permeating, rippling and recycling through the  endless night.

Now, before boarding we were forced to endure humiliating security procedures culminating in an embarrassing pose, feet apart and hands in the air, all our secrets revealed by a full body scanner.  If the airlines are really interested in keeping passengers healthy, I suggest every passenger be required to pass through a gastrointestinal scanner.  If churning innards are revealed, travelers will be placed in a holding area and forced to chew Tums until gaseous stability is achieved.

I can't afford to lose any more brain cells.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Weiner's Demeanor Getting Greener

It's tough to keep up with important breaking news when your computer shuts down in the midst of perusing vital information about
important and influential members of congress that are providing an essential service to their constituents and the world by making us feel better about ourselves because, hey, I am definitely not as dumb as this guy.  What a knob!

Oh I'm glad I'm not a lyin' Tony Weiner
That is what I'd never like to be
Cause if I was a lyin' Tony Weiner
I'd just as soon become a retiree

As you might notice I'm typing like the wind because either 

a.  my modem has an evil spirit  

b.  my router has taken an alternative route

image found here

c.  my cable guy is fiddling with my emotions like Charlie Daniels at a hootenanny. 

and my computer could shut off at any mome

Monday, June 6, 2011

There's Hot and Then There's Hot

Beware if you sign up for 

In Arizona this summer.

You might end up
in the middle of the Wallow Fire.

image found here

Looking a little hotter than you bargained for.

Arizona is on fire

 If only the Missouri River could send a little flood water our way.

images found here


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Kancer Kickin' Kaps

Coming soon on Etsy!!!
skin and brain cancer
preventative head gear

(available with optional humongous fake flowers)