Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What I Smelled on My Summer Vacation


Sorry for the gaping hole I left in the blogosphere during recent days while I was on vacation  My husband advised, "Don't tell everyone we're going out of town."  He thinks my readership is comprised mainly of convicted felons plotting to steal our empty cottage cheese container collection.  Who can argue with logic like that.  Thanks to all you criminals out there that left our valuables undisturbed.

The first leg of our journey was a red-eye flight which is as recreational as having to wash your own dishes after dinner in a nice restaurant.  You pay handsomely for the privilege of being strapped into a skinny chair on well used upholstery next to a stranger while lying awake all night.


We took off, gained altitude and about the time the lights in the cabin were lowered it began.  

A gas leak.  
An organic gas leak.
8.3 on the sphincter scale 
From a body of unknown origin.  
A body much too local to ignore.


It was not a scent, it was a smell.  A stench as full bodied as an NFL lineman.  It didn't waft, it bolted through the air as if shot from compound bow.  It was a odor that merged elements of bat guano and old fruit, of a mishap in a 10th grade chemistry lab and wet german shepherd.  It was robust, fibrous and permeating, rippling and recycling through the  endless night.

Now, before boarding we were forced to endure humiliating security procedures culminating in an embarrassing pose, feet apart and hands in the air, all our secrets revealed by a full body scanner.  If the airlines are really interested in keeping passengers healthy, I suggest every passenger be required to pass through a gastrointestinal scanner.  If churning innards are revealed, travelers will be placed in a holding area and forced to chew Tums until gaseous stability is achieved.

I can't afford to lose any more brain cells.


16 comments:

Abby Richardson said...

ROTFL!!! I feel for ya.... lol :)

Marti said...

LOL, but a great description. Just one more thing for me to worry about for my upcoming flight. Thanks. ;)

Connie said...

Oh no, there is no escaping such obnoxiousness in the confines of an airplane. You poor thing, do you have any nose hairs left? Yuck. Only you Laraine, only you! But it makes for great stories on blogs you must admit.

Mamma has spoken said...

And that's when you pull your shirt over your nose, and give everyone around you a dirty look :op

jen said...

How far was the flight? That. Is. Torture. Defined.

Holly said...

So, you're really telling people that you went on a vacation and didn't spend the past few weeks in the loony bin huh? Ok, I'll play along.

Melynda said...

And that is why I prefer loud gas, it usually has no or little odor and everyone gets a good laugh! Those SBD's (silent but deadly) are killers.

just call me jo said...

I had just finished lunch and then read your post. Drat! I could have lost some weight if I'd read the blog first. Urppp! Disgusting!! Poor baby. Yes, I've heard of people like your husband who think the blogosphere is full of cat burglers and identity thieves. Tell him that is Facebook or Craigslist. Never blogspot.com hahaha

Dixie Mom said...

I'd laugh but I feel so sorry for you, that would be mean!
Oh so sorry. :)

karen said...

I hate it when my nose hairs get singed. Especially when there's no escape.

Sam and Melissa said...

Oh, you have me rolling. "organic gas leak" - what a phrase.

Cherie said...

Tooo Dang Funny! I have been in that situation: on airplanes, at the movies, etc...I totally think a holding area and tums should be mandated in all public places!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Haha! And you were TRAPPED with no way out! How horrible. And funny. Hehehe...

Sue said...

Oh, dear.

That stinks.

;)

Bev said...

If only I had known that your cottage cheese container collection was unguarded for a few days.

Amanda- Hip House Girl said...

Your guy sounds like my guy- always worrying about our cottage cheese containers (to be fair, we also have some fairly nice glass locking containers so I can see why he worries).

I'm sorry about your gaseous experience- and on a red-eye, no less! Your holding room idea is superb.