Monday, December 24, 2012

All the News That is Not Fit to Print

Eddington Family
Christmas Letter
2012 

After Mitt Romney lost the Presidential election, we spent two boring weeks in our homemade fallout shelter eating pork 'n beans out of the can, staring at the Mayan calendar and waiting for the world to end.  When we surfaced to check out our cat snare, we found out that everything looked surprisingly normal, so we went to QT and bought celebratory soda pops.  Since we're still alive, it's time to pass on the family news just one last time.

Rachael and Damon finally came to their senses and moved closer to free babysitting.  Their exodus from Texas to a lovely home just five minutes away from us still has us waking up singing Zippedee Doo Da.  Nearly every day we get to watch Zoey turning cartwheels on the lawn, hear Liam's latest obscure factoid about vampire squid or see little Josslynn's newly minted bowlegged running skills as she chases down the dog.  It's heavenly.

Cody and Breaelle continue the scholarly life at BYU while Cody finishes up his last year learning to communicate and publicly relate to others for profit. They spent the summer in Denver again and Cody sold more pest control contracts than there are pests, the mark of a true salesman.  He can't wait to graduate so he can have more time to control the fish population one cast at a time.  Breaelle can't wait for Cody to graduate so he will have less time to fish.  Brylinn has her own Barbie fishing pole and she knows that as long as there are fish, her daddy will make the time.

Max spent the summer in Alaska driving tour buses for a Cruise Line.  Objectives: dodge the moose, charm the tourists out of big tips, hike tall mountains and make wonderful friends.  He put us into a jealous frenzy sending weekly pictures that all looked like screen savers while we were suffering through another desert sizzler.  He is heading up to the University of Utah in January, transferring from BYU (which I didn't even know was legal).
 
Joey has been serving in the Utah, Ogden Mission since June and it is just as exotic as he though it would be.  His first zone consisted of 2 Canadians, 1 Native American, 1 Norwegian, 1 New Zealander, 1 Guatemalan, 1 Samoan, 1 South Korean and a British missionary with Elder Eddington serving as the token American.  He loves the people, the amphibians and preaching the gospel in the Wasatch language as only "The Joey" can.
 
Corinn is taking her last child in the family duties seriously as she demands mani/pedis every Thursday and organic corn nubbins overnighted from Iowa for her pet duck.  She divides her time between a Nurse Assistant Certification course and the rest of her senior classes at Mr. View.  When she graduates in May she will be eligible to both change adult diapers and go on to college, where she plans to become an RN so she can boss around her own CNA.
 
Darn, I'm all out of room so I can't post a photo of Mark and I.  Just take my word for it, we still look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...without the tattoos.  However, now that Mark isn't Bishop anymore, he has been seriously considering getting a tasteful tattoo of me in my Zumba-tard emblazoned on his left bicep.  (Either that or the one of me planking in my snuggie.)
 
Here's wishing you days that are merry and bright
and nights that are warm and snuggly!
 


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I've Got Teeth, I Want Something Else For Christmas

I have had a flood of emails, voice messages and texts from faithful Larainy readers wondering what in the whole wide world I would like for Christmas this year.  Okay, so that isn't really true but some of you just might be needing a gentle nudge in the right direction. 

Since I am incapable of gentle nudges, I am hereby declaring what I DON'T want for Christmas.

Precious fiveheads (a size larger than foreheads) 
preserved in porcelain

Another bacon ornament

Anything by Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Trite
(Did you know that when Thomas died 
and went to heaven he was disappointed?)
 
 Eau de Sea Turtle Parfum

 
 Eyebrow extensions


 This weeks Groupon deals, including
86% off colon hydrotherapy

 But...
if you can get your hands on this little beauty,
you will be my friend for life.  

Nothing brings Christmas cheer like
Lorne Greene crooning "Merry Christmas Neighbor"
in a leather vest and cowboy hat

Ahhhhh! I love the smell of the Ponderosa in winter!

 



Thursday, November 29, 2012

Good Morning Moon

 The silly moon forgot to disappear this morning,
just hung around like a Christmas ornament 
waiting to hang on our orange tree

 Since I was up annoyingly early I took a hike.

 The trail was littered with counter top material

and some of my fellow hikers had excessively hairy legs

Don't worry, I didn't have a heart attack



Look at the moss on the rocks in the background.
In Arizona, we take our green anyway we can get it.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Aren't You Glad You Saved Your Hammer Pants?

I can't believe you missed last night's 
star-studded extravaganza of self-congratulatory coolness 
known as the 59th award show of the year 
or the American Music Awards. 

In an ironic twist, the best number of the night
was by Korean pop star, PSY.
This guy brings out the middle schooler in all of us
I dare you not to dance to this.

I am totally gangnam stylin after my husband is gone to work.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Smell Like a General in Private

The U.S. news is a daily deluge of details about General David Petraeus' affair and General John Allen's scandalous, voluminous flirty emails with a Washington D.C. "socialite".  In case you don't hang around with rich folk, let me explain that a "socialite" is a woman who  -
  • socializes at parties and only drinks "lite" beverages so as to maintain an  acceptable "socialite" weight of under 120 lbs 
  • has legs and armpits completely deforested by lasers
  • requires a $1000 gown to attend a charity event raising money for naked children in third world countries

image found here

Now, as you can see, Petraeus is okay, but he is hardly the sort of Hunky Hank that would cause you to crash your shopping cart into a tower of tomato soup cans or stare without blinking until your eyelids are dried open.  In fact, the guys seems rather ordinary except for all those colorful barrettes on his uniform.

Always one to take advantage of a trend,
and
just in time for holiday shopping, 
 may I introduce 
Larainy's new fragrance
Betray-us
For times when you want to smell
like a General in Private

 
Betray-us is an earthy fragrance,
combining a bass note of old army rifle
with the subtle tinge of an Afghan poppy
and the pheromones of a sweaty uniform
overladen with the nostalgic waft of gunpowder residue
and a hint of cinnamon

No woman can resist it.
Just ask these two





Coming soon...camouflage pajamas!


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Bad Dialogue is the Best Revenge

This television show is full of filthy rich people uttering lines like this:

"I was captain of the equestrian team during my semester in Barcelona"

Because Larainy is such a helpful sort, with a rich imagination if not a rich bank account, I am going to send the writers of Revenge some lines to insert in future episodes.

~*~

"I told you to order the blonde caviar Inez!  Can't you see I just had my teeth whitened?"

"I simply refuse to return to Bermuda until they clean up those nasty palm fronds
 blown all over by that tiresome Hurricane Sandy."

"I know I just had my lips plumped last week Dr. Steinwitz,
 but they're still not as big as my couch cushions so try again."


"Of course I've known hardship.
  I once broke three nails on a rickety zip-line in Costa Rica."


"I'm going to serve real Coke to that witchy Sierra every time she orders Diet Coke and by next week she won't be able to zip up a single pair of those skinny jeans."


"Windsor, you know I can't wear rubies!
  When the chandelier hits them the reflections look like age spots."


"She looks as cheap as a 10% off sale at Neiman Marcus."

~*~
C'mon Larainy readers, give me some more!


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Howdy Senator

All ten of Jeff's brothers and sisters were with him last night
 when he won the U.S. Senate seat for the state of Arizona.  
My parents were there too, and nieces and nephews galore.
  We are Jeff's most solid core constituents.  
Don't you think it says something
 when brothers and sisters that know him well support him like that?  
Besides...free food and the chance to get on TV.
photo from azcentral.com
 Here, Jeff is being congratulated by retiring Senator Jon Kyl.

Current Senator John McCain is on the right 
and Cindy McCain is on the left wearing bright green leather pants.  
I wonder if Jeff's wife Cheryl will be issued Senator's wife bright green leather pants?  
We can only hope.

 Austin, Alexis, Ryan, Cheryl, Jeff, Tanner and Dallin
 plus an exhausted Mitt Romney  on the left
hovering with a ghostly cardboard presence.

Mitt might be planning a little time off
but
Jeff is already rolling up his sleeves.

My hunky husband Mark, and brothers Jeff and Mike back in the day