Krispy Krack

Last night I was in the drive through at

doing research on the fat/sugar intake of the average American  

(I know, I know, but someone has to sacrifice so you are welcome)  

 when I found myself in back of this vehicle.

 

You have to admire the ingenuity of a girl, who, when faced with the sad fact that "HOTTIE" is taken, 

steps up to the plate and goes the distance with the letters left in the reject pile.

Which leads me to the following verse:

I caughddy 

a hoddy

being naughddy.

Kitchen Diva

Sometimes, when I'm alone in my kitchen, 

I break into a chorus of "Tomorrow" from "Annie".  

When I discover I am being filmed, 

I immediately add choreography.

 

I've always believed in a big finish.

The Real Housewives of Al Qaeda

image found here

It has given me great satisfaction to read that Osama Bin Laden's last days on earth were not spent in relaxation at the community pool or eating Chik-Fil-A at the Abbottabad Mall.  He was stuck in a crowded compound with 28 people, including three feuding wives.

The fun started when O.B.L.'s older, unfavorite wife, the shrill Sabar, moved back.  She chose a room one floor below the one O.B.L. was sharing with his young, favorite wife.

Thanks to Larainy's crack investigative team of classified document uncoverers, we get a glimpse into Osama's life of hell before he went to hell.

Old wife:  Osama, you once again forgot to remove the trash and now the house smells of old yogurt.

Osama:  Silence Woman!  How many times must I repeat to  you that being seen removing the trash will bring destruction down upon my head. 

Old Wife:  The expired yogurt brewing in the garbage can is destroying our brain cells even as we speak.

Osama:  We are not speaking, you are whining.

Old Wife:  And another thing.  Why have not you utilized the Grecian formula I purchased in your behalf?  A nice black beard would take off 10 years.

Osama:  As would shaving your upper lip.

Older Wife:  (Lunges at Osama to scratch his eyes out as he backs away.)

Young Wife:  (Enters room and whacks Osama on the turban)  Osama!  How many times have I told you to put the lid down!  (Wrinkles nose)  Wow, what stinks?

Osama:  (Throws up his hands and stalks off to lock himself in the bathroom)  

Stealing Buggies in Texas

I have been dwelling for the last few days in the the exotic land of Texas.   Texas was admitted the the union in 1845 but don't tell the people that live here, because they think that Texas is actually a country and that the United States is just somewhere to stash the rest of us unfortunate  nonTexans.

I've  been spending time with my three Texas grandchildren trying to teach them proper English.

 





Me:  Now Zoey, please don't say "y'all".  The proper way to address your friends is  "you guys"

Zoey:  Grandma, I think you need another nap.

Liam:  Grandma, do you want to play Pass the Pigs with me?

Me:  Now Liam, do you remember how the last time we played the score was 267 to 26 and somebody had a tantrum?

Liam:  I promise I'll let you win this time Grandma.

Another Texas icon is this grocery store

(FYI, H.E.B. does not stand for Hair Ever Bigger, in spite of the prodigious poufs on Texas Beauty Pageant contestants.  

It's short for Howard E. Butt, the founder, and no I did not make that up)

I went shopping for a few things and was almost done when I remembered I needed to look for salsa in the deli so I wouldn't lose touch with my Arizona roots.  As I headed to the checkout, I noticed to my horror that the only thing in my grocery cart that was really mine was the salsa.  Somewhere along the way I had stolen someone's grocery cart.  I looked around furtively but no one was giving me the famous squinty-eyed Texas stare.  I found my cart just where I'd left it and checked out, confessing my sin to the cheerful, slightly pimply young man in a cashier's apron.  He patted me on the head and said, "Y'all aren't from around here are ya?  I bet you need a nas nap."  And then he announced over the intercom in a conciliatory tone, "If you have misplaced your cart you will find it back by the deli."

I was so rattled I forgot to buy Whoppers

The Iron Lady and Her Helmet

The Oscars are just around the corner and you might want to pay attention to a brilliant little film produced by the United British Metalworkers Union called

Iron Lady.

Iron Lady is the story of indomitable Margaret Thatcher, Britain's first and only woman prime minister.  One of the little known facts disclosed about Margaret Thatcher is the way she earned her tough moniker .  Some people think that she was dubbed the "Iron Lady" because she was a no holds barred negotiator with a take no prisoners style...au contraire.  Before she entered parliament Maggie had 93% of her skeleton reinforced with a iron/magnesium amalgam.  She also  began sporting a  coiffure that was actually a helmet made of thousands of strands of fine steel that could withstand the direct hit of a shoulder launched rocket.

 

Iron Lady was actually a prequel to another fine film about world history called Iron Man.

Stay tuned for the next installment in the "Iron" saga

IRON BABY!

(Excellent photo editing done by Maxwell Dean Eddington)

 

Arguing in Arizona

The semi-daily Republican presidential debate was held in Mesa, Arizona today because the candidates had worked their way through the states alphabetically back to front and it was finally our turn. 
 
It was hosted by our beautiful Mesa Arts Center which is adorned with sails in case the desert ever turns back into a lake and we need something to keep us afloat.

Local news anchors were on hand and we did our best to walk back and forth incessantly in back of them, smiling with charm and enthusiasm, with fond hopes to appear on television, be discovered and go on to fabulous careers with ridiculous salaries

 Max portrays his admiration for Lin Sue Cooney with a symbolic hand gesture

 Ron Paul brings out the most fans who loudly support a cessation of foreign aid and sometimes smell like medical marijuana

My visiting granddaughter became an inadvertent CNN advertisement when she was awarded a paper fan.

 

 She still doesn't know who to vote for

 

 Except Uncle Jeff.  

She definitely supports Jeff Flake for the United States Senate

 All the really cool people do

A Presidential Hike

My husband, otherwise known as "Mr. Backroads" loves nothing more than a bone jarring dirt road leading...

to a bone jarring hike...

leading to pools of clear fresh water...
 

(oh wait, that was the wrong pool)

leading to an mysterious cliff dwelling tucked in a beautiful canyon
 

leading us to wonder how these amazing cliff dwellers survived perched on this precarious canyon wall...

leading to twingy muscles this morning and appreciation that I didn't have to raise my children on a precipice.

Shopping Sassy at SAS

There is a magical store in a homely old building on Apache Trail in Tempe, AZ.

It goes by the name of SAS which stands for sass, but is so sassy it doesn't even care about adding a double "s".  It is full of wonders.

Millions of yards of lace, trim, elastic, sequins and feathery strips

Buckets of beads and buttons that look like cavemen, poisonous frogs, musical notes and Sponge Bob.

Boas

and wings

and flowery things

and sequins and chains to spice up your boring old underwear.  Don't even think of shopping there unless you are willing to create something fabulous for pennies on the dollar.

This is what my Mom created for me.

Valentine's Day: A Review

I was still lying supine in sweet slumber when my Valentine’s Day commenced.  A cunningly dressed, rented service monkey climbed onto my bed bearing a fresh croissant and strawberries on a silver tray.  As my lustrous lashes struggled to open, I heard the deep tones of a professional cowboy baritone on a bay quarterhorse singing “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” just outside my window. 

By the time I had consumed my delicious repast, my hot bath had been drawn, lightly scented with lavender, impossibly fluffy Turkish cotton towels laid by.  Later, hair styled by Nick and makeup artfully applied by Carmindy from TLC's "What Not to Wear", I slipped into my new Marc Jacob’s designed outfit before hopping in the limo that would take me to my massage appointment.

Relaxed and buoyed by the massage and 45 minutes of affirmation from a certified self-worth booster named Nigel, my sweetheart husband whisked me off to the Phoenician for the rest of the day/night activities which included but are not limited to:

•       Romantic ride in heart shaped hot air balloon
•       Gondola trip through the lagoon at the Hyatt amidst trained carp doing synchronized routine to Barry Manilow singing “Mandy”
•        Air force jet flyover that left contrails spelling out “Larainy” in the blue Arizona sky
•      Woven circlet of wildflowers placed on my flaxen curls
•      Dancing in the rain like nobody was watching
•     ???

Oh... and how was your Valentine’s Day?

Best of the Worst at the Grammys

I know that you were all sipping Earl Gray and eating crustless watercress sandwiches made of triangular wonder bread whilst watching Downton Abbey yesterday evening, so I will give you an update on the other side of the culture wars with a gander at the Grammys.

Ms. Minaj accessorized with a faux Pope in a vain attempt to stave off the hell fire that is licking at her red robes

How courageous to show up to the party after a feral cat attacked you in the alley and slashed your pretty black frock to smithereens

It is a relief to all America to know that although Snooki has shed excess pounds, she has not shed ability to wear an outfit that makes us all thank our lucky stars that we weren't born in New Jersey

Jane Seymour had planned on keeping her heart wide open but was forced to shut it when she couldn't zip up her dress

Sales of cotton candy spiked again when Katy Perry showed up with a stack of sugary blue floss on her noggin

Multi-tasker Fergie prepared for a post Grammy dip in ll Cool j's  party hot tub by wearing her black lycra two-piece under her formal neon orange lace mermaid gown

Moscow's Sasha Gravida signaled that Russia is ready to rev up the cold war in a pink confectionary gown with a fully armed sleeve

Undaunted by a rabid raven attack, Corinne Bailey Rae lost one of her hemispheres of hair, but won the battle of the birds, proudly wearing the feathers of her vanquished foes

Even an avowed germaphobe can attend public events wearing an outfit woven of microban fibers and a detachable sit-shield to protect against infectious chair surfaces

If you are looking for Lady Gaga you will not find her here.  Nothing makes the Gagster madder than not appearing on my blog.

image found here

Did you know that 3 out of 4 Grammy's love watching the Grammy's?

red carpet photos found here