Rootin' Tootin' Resolutin'

Yes friends, like so many of you; I have just emerged from a cleansing fast (no vegetables, whole grains, fruits or fibers) and a 15 hour meditation (movie marathon in front of HD widescreen) and am now in the proper frame of mind to make my New Year's Resolutions.

In spite of the cleansing fast and meditation, I have been having a hard time coming up with anything that I can improve upon, so I looked to others for motivation.  Perhaps they will help you!

I will treat my sister like the angel she truly is.

 

I will force my sister to become the angel she truly isn't.

I will put the sheets in the washer, where they belong

I will allow no one to rain on my trophy parade

I will not try to solve the issues between Grandma and Aunt Sylvia

 

I will get up before 3 pm and cheerfully 

participate in family pictures

 

I will wear a shirt next time I volunteer 

as a crossing guard at the elementary school

 

I will never again bring dishonor to Smoky the Bear

Next time I will go all the way 

and wear the matching earrings

 

Next time, we will buy the eight foot couch

 

This year, 

I will go to the gym with my girlfriend

 

I will teach Arturo how to stand on his own two feet

 

I will read Twilight again until I get it right

I will limit my target practice to just one of the neighbors cats

 

I will continue little brother's education.

I will be a little less country

and a little more rock n' roll

We will give up on dating chicken farmers

 

I will give all my legal business to

kitty-totin' lawyers

 

I will not bring my baby to visit the Dollar Store Easter Bunny.

The Smell of Disney

Stumped for a last minute gift? 

Be the first on your block to order 
the new Disney line of exquisite parfums 
for the Lord or Lady in your life.

For the Lady

"Supercalifragisexyexpealisexy" 

by Mary Poppins

 

A little touch on a gentle wrist wafts 

a conservative yet saucy smell 

that will drive bankers wild

"Sea Splash"

by The Little Mermaid

Who needs legs when you smell like pearls and kelp?

"Provincial"

by Belle 

Will bring out the beast in your man
Grrrrrr!

"Odours eau de Wind"

by Pocohontas

Environmentally sensitive fragrance 

that will deplete your man’s erogenozone

"Narcoleptic"

by Sleeping Beauty

With a fragrance blendation
of fresh baked birthday cake and roses
No one will be sleeping!

"Tramp"

by Lady

Caution:

 This perfume is restricted 

to those with a minimum of
three tattoos
and one body piercing.

"Poison Apple"

by Snow White 

 

For the wicked witch in all of us

.

"Ancestor"

by Mulan

Personalized with just a pinch 

of the cremains of your long dead ancestors, 

so you can carry their smellmory with you for dynasties.

And for the Gentleman

"Primal"
by Mowgli 

 You will be the Bear, You will be her necessity    

"Eternal"

by Peter Pan

For the man who refuses to settle down

"Instinct"

by Tarzan

Your woman will swing through the trees 
to sniff your manly smell.

"Metamorphosis"

by Pinocchio

Change is good

"Quiver"

by Robin Hood

She’ll quiver and shiver whenever 
she catches a whiff of you

"Arabian Nights"

by Aladdin

 You won't need a magic carpet when you 
let the Genie out of this bottle of perfume!

My Christmas Wish

Okay, okay.  If you quit bugging me, I'll tell you what my fondest Christmas wishes are.

1.   That all the children in the world will live in a peaceful world where they have their very own Snuggie.

  

(Results not typical)

2.  That all the preteenagers of the world will produce personal gardens with edible chia pet hair and feed their families.

3.  That all the teenagers of the world will each eat one fruitcake which will wipe out fruitcakes and hostile gift-giving in one generation.

4.  That those precious moments children will finally grow into their excessively large heads.










5.  And finally, selfishly, for myself I wish




                to spend Christmas day in a snuggie

                                           drinking egg nog















 


and turning Christmas tree lights on and off with the clapper. 

Bacteria: Your Bosom Buddy

I have always been a lover of fine dairy products, as evidenced by this secret photograph taken in my fridge two minutes ago.

You have probably noted a couple things:

You:  That is an extremely old fridge.   Does it have a chunk of ice and a drip pan?

Me:  No, but thanks for asking.
                
You:  Wooo baby, that's one big pack a' yogurt

Me:  Okay, that is about enough out of you.  Close the frig now, do you think I am made of money?

I have also been extremely opposed to cancer of the bosom, or as some of you less refined types like to phrase it, "breast cancer".

So, when you combine my passion for yogurt and my hatred of crazy invasive cells of the female love pillows; you can imagine how glad I am to buy Yoplait yogurt, since the Yoplait company shares both my passion and my hatred.

But I have to admit, I am very relieved that they have a new campaign featuring this

 Save lids to save lives

Because I never did feel right about

Let's lick breast cancer

 

Somebody's Weight Watching You

Yes, I have been to Weight Watchers.  I have gone to meetings wearing clothes made of gauze and taken off my shoes to meet my goals.  Brothers and sisters, I have counted points.  Hallelujah.  

In honor of those who have ridden on the W.W. Wagon, or the Jenny Craig Bus, or the Cow Urine Express, I have composed the following motivational song to get you through the holidays.  I have also researched and found some delicious old Weight Watchers recipes that are sure to delight.

 

You and your guests are surely going to be snapping up your mackerel! 




         No one can pass 
         up a fishball!

Have Yourself a Low-Fat Little Christmas
(to be sung to the tune of a song with a similar name)
By Laraine F. Eddington


Have yourself a low-fat little Christmas

Let your treats be light

More whipped cream

Will only make your pants too tight

Have yourself a skimpy kind of Christmas

Starve yourself this year

Gaining weight does not

Equate to Christmas cheer

Have yourself a low-fat little Christmas

Did you know that over night

Fudge turns into

Something known as cell-u-lite?

CHORUS:

When you are at the grocery store

In the pastry aisle… again

Roll on by

Those evil jelly rolls

Or you never will be thin.

Through the years

We’ll all count points together

And if we pay our dues

We’ll look e-ma-ci-ated

E-ter-nal-ly!

So have yourself

A Christmas totally fat-free.

 

Nothing says love like

frozen brown liquid

 

Salmon jello...sculpted with your own salmonella-free hands

 

Can be made with beets,  leftover cabbage or strips of raw liver

Ahhhhh, nothing quenches like a long cool glass of beef bouillon.

If you can wind a hotdog around a pineapple

you are ready for Iron Chef

 

Only real hunger would inspire you to eat this bowl of scariness.

 
 

Straight out of a slasher movie

This children, is your brain on drugs...with dipping sauce!

The secret to Weight Watchers Success...The recipes!

Is Everyone drinking Guinness at Guinness?

Once again the Guiness Book of World Records astounds us with some amazing people that you would not want living next door to you.  Let's see if you recognize anyone from your high school.

This cute grandpa has the world's most unusual hair extensions.  (Trust me, you don't want to see the rest of them.)

This is his son, Wolfgang

This spunky senior has paddled more butts than anyone since Mr. DeWitt, a junior high shop teacher who had held the previous record since 1972.

This guy holds the worlds record for office theft.

 

This was the world's largest blue Jello protest, held in Salt Lake City Utah.  (Note the cute marshmallow hats.)

This man consumed 37 lbs. of silly putty with no ill effects.  (And if you roll him over the comics, you can read them off his back!) 

  

This cute couple has never cleaned their toilet.

  

World's most inappropriate place to hide a little person.

 

This man is going for a world record and is currently hiding in your local Sonic ice machine.

This woman has watched every episode of Law and Order ever aired on network or cable. 



 

World's scariest grandma

Environmental Romance Part Nine

WARNING:  Don't even think about reading this installment

numeros uno, dos,  tres,  cuatro, cinco, seis, siete y ocho!

A challenging piece of romantic literature

such as this will leave you hopelessly lost

without the proper framework.

Flora: An Environmental Love Story

By: Laraine F. Eddington

(Best read aloud with expression by candlelight)

Installment numero nueve:

Can we imagine the feelings of this beautiful young blind woman as she opened the door to Conrad, the man who had blinded her physically, blindsided her emotionally and who had been playing blind man’s bluff for the past three years? Faintness swept through Flora’s darling respiratory system, leaving her complexion as pale and delicate as a porcelain doll valued at $6,000 on Antiques Roadshow. Her voice was uncertain as she stretched forth a tentative hand, “Conrad?”


And then she was in his arms, arms that wrapped around her, squeezing tighter and tighter, until she couldn’t breathe. Her head was spinning, emotions pirouetting like a Russian prima donna. Her hand reached to touch his chiseled face, but he turned his head and suddenly she felt the grizzled mullet under her sensitive fingers. Her hand recoiled as if it had encountered unorganic lettuce.

Wendell began to laugh, the horrible wheezy laughter that had haunted Flora’s dreams since her first encounter with Conrad’s evil twin. “Whoo wee, well, lookee here…” The odious man paused and took a step toward Flora. “Beg your pardon, I guess you can’t look at anything, can you darlin’?”


Flora stepped backward, grasping the door to swing it shut on her loathsome visitor. A dingy Velcro Wal-Mart sneaker blocked the door, which bounced back and hit Flora on the forehead. She lost her balance and sat down hard on the renewable bamboo floor, bruising her left cheek, which was a perfect twin to the one on the right. Her finely developed sense of smell told her that Wendell had eaten a #5 super size combo meal at Taco Bell in the not too distant past, and that he was coming to get her.

Flora’s full red lips pursed, emitting a piercing whistle that sliced through the heavy grunting coming from Wendell, who froze in surprise. There was a cacophony of hoof beats as Flora’s protective goat Albert came blazing toward the unwelcome guest. Albert lowered his head and butted Wendell with the force of his love for his friend Flora; love that had blossomed after she rescued him from the abusive children in the petting zoo. The goat’s bony cranium hit Wendell in an area known to be especially sensitive to approximately half of the world’s population. Wendell’s lips pulled back over his tobacco stained teeth in a grimace that would have put Flora in a coma if she could have seen it. He didn’t crumple, but fell like a rotten log to the floor, cold as a wedge.


Albert gave a baaaaaa of satisfaction and was rewarded with a hug from Flora. “Oh Albert, you brave thing. Why, you rescued me you sweet, sensible old goat.” Flora’s melodious tones and gentle kind words communicated with Albert in the age old way imagined only by those that think that animals have people emotions. “Now Albert” Flora entreated, go fetch me the duct tape.”

Albert clattered away, returning momentarily with a roll of tape that Flora used to bind Wendell’s grubby hands and feet. She tore off a shorter length and covered his mouth, cutting the burrito supreme fumes by 50%.


And then Albert saw it…


To be continued.

Code Red News Flash!!!

You know how much I hate to brag, but there are times when it is simply un-American to withhold news of national interest. Today I received the following e-mail.

You (or current resident)

Are coredeely invited too

The White House Xmas Ball

Where: Pensilvania Avenoo, WA DC

When: 12/27/09

Formil dress required

RSVP by sending $35.00 to:

Vern Peavley

Utility Closet “B”

Union Station Basement, WA DC 20051

Can you even believe it? I looked at my calendar and after I moved the appointment with my carpet cleaner (never let the dog sneak in and drink all the leftover turkey gravy), guess what? Yup, the check is in the mail and I am going to the party!


I was totally panicked about what to wear until I found this little beauty.

Style and patriotism combine in a fusion that will move many to tears. Am I right?




I have decided to travel by balloon, since this will tend to attact some media attention  and there is plenty of room to land on the White House Lawn.

 

I know I am dreaming out loud here, but I can just see myself swishing through the door in my beautiful gown, accepting a flute of Martinelli's finest from Joe Biden...
 





and then wandering into the library and cozying up to the fire while discussing whether the Twilight series is discriminatory to ugly vampires  with Michelle.

The next week, when I am interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show about whether I had a good time or not, he will arm wrestle Tom Cruise for the right to escort me to a the New Year's Party at Johnny Depp's house. 

 

Ahhhh, life is good.

What my kids did on Thanksgiving Vacation

You worry sometimes, 

about how your kids are going to turn out.  

And then you go to bed 

and when you wake up, 

they have created 

THIS. 

Should I be worried?

Pladitudinous Graditudinous

A minimal list of things I am thankful for.

1.  My talented toes that allowed me to write my blog even when I had my hand in a cast.

2.  That this is not my dog.

3.  That I wasn't invited to be a bridesmaid

                   4.  That Adam Lambert 
                            is not related to me.

5.  That this guy doesn't go to my gym.











6.  That on Thursday I am going to eat an organic turkey that was lovingly cared for by a mother and father turkey in a cute little wooden turkey condo in the fresh air of the Colorado mountains. 

                                              Not one of these slum turkeys