Wednesday, January 18, 2012

What is in the Royal Handbag?

I have been a bit obsessed with jolly old England as of late, and you can blame it on Downton Abbey .  This has lead to an alarming preoccupation with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth and a burning curiosity about what she is packing around in those hefty handbags.  (If I were her royalness, I would demand a subordinate to haul around my breath mints and wadded kleenex.)   

As you know, protocol prevents a commoner such as myself from asking the Queen a direct question, but dear reader, once again, Larainy's crack investigative team has stealthily gathered information piece by piece and compiled a comprehensive report on the mysterious contents of the royal receptacle.

 Young Liz got into the handbag habit at a young age,
stuffing it with chocolate biscuits to nibble on during
interminable boring lectures from Father/King George on the subject of 
"how not to turn out like skanky Aunt Wallis Simpson"

 On this occasion, the Queenly purse contained an Ipod nano with an unobstrusive wire snaking up the royal white sleeve  connecting to an earbud obscured by a fashionable chapeau.  Listening to Sir Elton John's "Rocketman" was far more enjoyable than the annoying rat a tat of amateur drummers

 The only way Elizabeth got through an interminable visit with France's la di da first lady 
was to carry a miniature chess board in her handbag, whip it out, 
challenge Carla Bruni to a match and humiliate her in four moves


 Nothing cheers up a grandma like tucking in a lovely photo of her grandsons when they were adorable little tykes

 ...unless it's the 8x10 autographed and laminated glossy of Mr. Beckham 
that she carries in a special crush proof compartment

 If his Holiness can wear sassy red shoes, then certainly the Queen is allowed to carry her beloved Corgi in a pooch proof patent leather handbag during a visit to the Vatican

 Nothing tastes better after a road trip in the royal Jaguar  than a surreptitious sip of blue raspberry slurpee from a white handbag

Here, a fellow royal catches the faint whiff of roasted game hen that thrifty Queen Elizabeth slipped into her silver doggy bag after a gargantuan state dinner

The Queen learned many years ago that nothing amuses British children more than activating the fart machine concealed in a royal handbag with the remote concealed in a royal glove. Seeing the cheerful giggles that accompany each "Brrrruuuump" as she bends over to say hello is worth the loss of royal dignity.

 But the absolute favorite item that the Queen totes around in the ever present dangling appendage is a lace handkerchief soaked in her royal consort Philip's favorite scent

Circus Fantasy, by Britney Spears


Pondside said...

Ah, Larainy, if you'd only asked me, I could have helped with a bit of an insider's view. I once spent part o a morning with HRH Princess Ann and know some handbag fact - that if it is a shoulder bag it is actually sewn to the shoulder. That only tissue and lipstick are in the royal handbag - all other items are in the Mother of all Big Black Bags lugged about by a very elegant lady-in-waiting. In the black bag is a sewing kit, makeup, umbrella and all the other things like fuzzy old mints and crumbled receipts that the rest of us carry in the bottom of our bags. Our meeting took place in Germany on an unseasonably cold May morning and we bonded over the fact that we were both wearing silk long-underwear under our suits. There you go - my morning with royalty.

Julz said...

Bahahahaha! Good laughs!

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

You crack me up! What a wide variety of photos and revealed secrets in this post.

Thanks for coming over to visit.

Kathy M.

just call me jo said...

Well, your version if ever-so-much more titillating than Pondside's view. I don't care if she was wearing silk undergarments when hobnobbing with the royals.

So why isn't the hand held model sewn to the ermine sleeve if the shoulder item (which I saw no evidence of) is sewn to the shoulder. (Talk about bloody uncomportable...)

Anyway. I'm going with the woopy cushion and the picture of the soccer star and no one will change my stubborn mind. Such a clever queestion. (I was going to write "queery" but I wasn't sure of the spelling and didn't want to appear cheeky.)

Marti said...

But where are the energizer batteries?

Laraine Eddington said...

Pondside, I am riveted by your morning with royalty, but am so glad I didn't consult you first as I never let the truth get in the way of my excellent reporting.

Grammy Goodwill said...

This is a great post. You are such a creative investigator.

RoeH said...

I know one thing. It ain't money. I find it interesting of how interested all Americans are in the Royal Family. I always say they're not my people; I sure don't curtsy to any of them when they come to my house for dinner but for some unbelievable reason, I always set my clock for 4:00 a.m. to watch whoever is getting married. WHY!

Cherie said...

You are so hilarious - I was laughing all the way through this and when I got to the picture of the other royal looking down at her bag tears starting coming out of my eyes - Oh my!!! Where do you come up with this stuff - it's so good.

karen said...

Isn't it amazing what you can put in a simple handbag? Clearly I'm an underachiever!

Sue said...


Love it - the royal receptacle.


Lisa Ricard Claro said...

I managed to maintain until I got to the fart machine. Truly a Larainy classic. Still laughing.

The Baum Squad said...

Laraine you kill me! Every time I read a word like fart on your blog I'm going to think of your dear mother who raised you better and your crappy pants in Russia story....My parents and I got a good laugh out of that one. Hilarious stuff.

Did I miss you the other day? Jace said, "Joey Flake's mother and another woman came by. Brought you bread." So I emailed your mother that day, as I was scarfing down the delicious bread to thank her for her visit and the bread. I invited her back for a grand tour anytime. It wasn't until days later, and no reply from your Mother that I realized Jace might not know Joey Flake's mother from Adam. Maybe they were my new visiting teachers I never met? Maybe there are 2 Joey Flakes? Maybe it was just the Jehovah witnesses!

Will clear up this confusion for me?

Melynda said...

Now I know where to put my fart machine, my granddaughter will be so proud!

rose said...

lol! good time reading this post. Perhaps nxt time we will see michelle obama?

esbboston said...

I am just glad I now know the Queen's license tag, "Darkness".