What is in the Royal Handbag?

I have been a bit obsessed with jolly old England as of late, and you can blame it on Downton Abbey .  This has lead to an alarming preoccupation with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth and a burning curiosity about what she is packing around in those hefty handbags.  (If I were her royalness, I would demand a subordinate to haul around my breath mints and wadded kleenex.)   

As you know, protocol prevents a commoner such as myself from asking the Queen a direct question, but dear reader, once again, Larainy's crack investigative team has stealthily gathered information piece by piece and compiled a comprehensive report on the mysterious contents of the royal receptacle.

 Young Liz got into the handbag habit at a young age,
stuffing it with chocolate biscuits to nibble on during
interminable boring lectures from Father/King George on the subject of 
"how not to turn out like skanky Aunt Wallis Simpson"

 On this occasion, the Queenly purse contained an Ipod nano with an unobstrusive wire snaking up the royal white sleeve  connecting to an earbud obscured by a fashionable chapeau.  Listening to Sir Elton John's "Rocketman" was far more enjoyable than the annoying rat a tat of amateur drummers

 The only way Elizabeth got through an interminable visit with France's la di da first lady 
was to carry a miniature chess board in her handbag, whip it out, 
challenge Carla Bruni to a match and humiliate her in four moves

 

 Nothing cheers up a grandma like tucking in a lovely photo of her grandsons when they were adorable little tykes

 ...unless it's the 8x10 autographed and laminated glossy of Mr. Beckham 
that she carries in a special crush proof compartment

 If his Holiness can wear sassy red shoes, then certainly the Queen is allowed to carry her beloved Corgi in a pooch proof patent leather handbag during a visit to the Vatican

 

 Nothing tastes better after a road trip in the royal Jaguar  than a surreptitious sip of blue raspberry slurpee from a white handbag

Here, a fellow royal catches the faint whiff of roasted game hen that thrifty Queen Elizabeth slipped into her silver doggy bag after a gargantuan state dinner

The Queen learned many years ago that nothing amuses British children more than activating the fart machine concealed in a royal handbag with the remote concealed in a royal glove. Seeing the cheerful giggles that accompany each "Brrrruuuump" as she bends over to say hello is worth the loss of royal dignity.

 But the absolute favorite item that the Queen totes around in the ever present dangling appendage is a lace handkerchief soaked in her royal consort Philip's favorite scent

 

Circus Fantasy, by Britney Spears