Monday, January 23, 2012

Going Viral

The good news is that this weekend I got a jumpstart on my ever present weight loss goals.

The bad news is that I counted the calorie loss while hanging over the toilet bowl.

The good news is that I don't have bulimia

The bad news is that I have something shareable.

The good news is that I'm going to quit giving you good and bad news.

As I lay groaning in my king size bed of self pity (having kicked my husband out for his own protection) I tried to watch television to distract me.  

Do you have any idea how many commercials include mayonnaise? 

In case you have accidentally been drinking from my straw, and catch my horrible case of
Amoebic Appetitus Perhorridus

here is my survival guide to weathering a stomach storm.

  • Being sick in the daytime is a waste.  Taking advantage of the dramatic hours of darkness adds pathos and sympathy from loved ones and eliminates annoying interrupting calls from telemarketers while you are fondling your toilet bowl
  • Controlling your thoughts goes a long way toward controlling the roiling stomach.  DO NOT think of 
Russell Brand
Joe Cocker
Or Newt Gingrich eating Cheetos



Instead, try to picture in your mind's eye...




either freshly fallen snow or a really clean unicorn.  Sorry but there are really limited good choices of things to think about when you want to hurl.





The next thing to do is to look yourself in the mirror, in all your wan and rumpled splendor,  and like Scarlett O'Hara,  clench your fist and say through clenched teeth
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Then go back to bed and try not to think about cheese curds.

14 comments:

Anna M said...

The good news is, I can't catch your virus virally.

The bad news is, I will have to actually diet to lose any weight this month.

Sending thoughts of freshly fallen snow your way.

Marti said...

Almost makes me want to hurl just reading this. So sorry you are sick. Being sick sure shows you the amount of devotion from family members though, doesn't it? If the hubby will hold my hair out of the way or clean up the bathtub where I have hurled when both ends were spewing at the same time, I know he must really, really love me.

Anonymous said...

When I was a kid and sick in bed - my Mom was a great believer in bed rest - I had radio to listen to. I remember the ads for Campbell's tomatoe soup with melted cheese! Not good thoughts with a queasy tummy. I know, I am 71, and TV was not around then - not a bad thing either. Peg

Connie said...

Even in the depths of illness you can't hold back the humor. You are remarkable to say the least. Hope the tummy gets better soon.

Holly said...

When I was little, the only thing that made me feel better when I had the flu was butterscotch puddng and a can of Spaghettios. Hope that helps. Feel better.

Grammy Goodwill said...

Oh, no. You poor thing. I hope you feel better soon.

Dixie Mom said...

I'll never think of cheese curds the same way again.

Get well, for heaven's sake.

just call me jo said...

Truly urpy just thinking of your peril. I'm sorry. I hope you heal soon.

Bev said...

Congrats on the weight loss. Sorry about the method.

Something I've always wondered:

I've never had the onset of a stomach virus in the daylight hours. Always always in the night. Why is that? As if being sick isn't enough, there's sleep deprivation, as well.

One of life's mysteries that I ponder when I'm not trying to figure out why I've never once craved any food that is even remotely good for me and/or low cal.

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

Oh, I'm sorry that you are sick. I hope that you are better by now. Thanks for making me laugh; even when you are at your worst you keep you awesome sense of humor!

Take care,

Kathy M.

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Ewww....LOL Poor Larainy! I'm happy illness didn't adversely affect your sense of humor. Feel better!

karen said...

I hope you're feeling better soon! And I NEVER want to think about Newt eating Cheetos. {{Shudder}}

RoeH said...

You better get better cause January 31st is coming. :)

And yeah....I agree with Karen. Now I've got a picture of Newt in my head and I try awfully hard to keep my brain free from that.

Pondside said...

The thought of cheese curds, vomit and unwashed rock stars was bad enough - but Newt and Cheetos - well that was crossing the invisible line beyond which a post has to come attached to a warning!