The bad news is that I counted the calorie loss while hanging over the toilet bowl.
The good news is that I don't have bulimia
The bad news is that I have something shareable.
The good news is that I'm going to quit giving you good and bad news.
As I lay groaning in my king size bed of self pity (having kicked my husband out for his own protection) I tried to watch television to distract me.
Do you have any idea how many commercials include mayonnaise?
In case you have accidentally been drinking from my straw, and catch my horrible case of
Amoebic Appetitus Perhorridus
here is my survival guide to weathering a stomach storm.
- Being sick in the daytime is a waste. Taking advantage of the dramatic hours of darkness adds pathos and sympathy from loved ones and eliminates annoying interrupting calls from telemarketers while you are fondling your toilet bowl
- Controlling your thoughts goes a long way toward controlling the roiling stomach. DO NOT think of
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| Russell Brand |
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| Joe Cocker |
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| Or Newt Gingrich eating Cheetos |
Instead, try to picture in your mind's eye...
either freshly fallen snow or a really clean unicorn. Sorry but there are really limited good choices of things to think about when you want to hurl.
The next thing to do is to look yourself in the mirror, in all your wan and rumpled splendor, and like Scarlett O'Hara, clench your fist and say through clenched teeth
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."
Then go back to bed and try not to think about cheese curds.
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