Monday, July 16, 2012

Ten Good Reasons To Quit Trying to Fit Into Your Bathing Suit

Do you know that there is a class in every creative writing department in every university and junior college across the fruited plain called
How to Write a List of Ten Ways to Fit Into Your Bathing Suit:101?   
Okay, maybe I made that up, but there has to be some serious scholarship on the subject because every magazine, newspaper and online column runs an article like this every day of the year from May through August.

Well I happen to think that there are some seriously compelling reasons not to fit into your bathing suit.

1.  You can't eat a whole pan of these

2.   Bathing suit crotches are notorious breeding grounds for bacteria

3.  Since your old bathing suit doesn't fit, you have an excellent reason to go to the mall and look for a new one, not find one and buy some shoes instead...also a pretzel.

4.  Your bathing suit was probably made in China and wearing it would be unpatriotic, unless you are part of the U.S. Olympic team wearing Ralph Lauren.

5. You can't drink a quart of this

6.  Losing weight, getting fit and looking good in that old bathing suit will alienate 69% of your friends and have been short on friends ever since you starting selling Cutco knives and bugging people to host parties.

7.  Forward thinkers like Al Gore are all recommending the acquisition

of a healthy fat layer to compensate for impending crop failures due to global warming.

 8.  You can't make this and eat it like that kid in the Matilda movie because you have always wanted to see if you could do it.

9.  Watching the Olympic swimming events in your jammies is much more fun.

10.  Who wants to swim anyway?  You'll just have to blow dry your hair all over again.


MissGreenEyes said...

Ha! Love it! My sister used to find it weird that the Matilda cake scene made me crave cake rather than get sick, guess who got the skinny genes there... bathing suits are all ugly anyway.

joanne fox said...

Oh, I'm with you on this one! I think humans generally look better when well covered up anyway.

karen said...

My solution is to buy bathing suits on sale, so when I DON'T look good in it, at least I didn't pay $98 for it. But I like your #3: go look for one, and then when you don't find it, buy shoes. Also a pretzel. Mmmm... from Annie's with cinnamon sugar? And that's why I don't fit in my bathing suit.

Anna M said...

Oh, yes! Finally!

#2 and #6, especially!

Laraine Eddington said...

Don't be silly Karen, from Wetzels Pretzels with jalapeno cheese to add delicious insult to luscious injury.

Holly said...

Mmmmmmmm, pretzels.

Sue said...

I don't fit in my bathing suit.

And now I feel just fine about that.


kate said...

#10? A-freaking-men.

RoeH said...

I want the white chocolate stuff. Surely it's local and we can all have all we want of it.

Anonymous said...

ou got it so right -- why can't we eat and be thin too -- I am now thanks to you craving cake.. and it's to late to do anything about it - it's 10:30 p.m already.. my where does the time go!

Hugs.. for more days of eatting cake..and walking it off! wink!

Pondside said...

Oh yes - #10 is my mantra!

Pearl said...

Oooh, Laraine! I'll take a slice of everything you just posted.

Eternally Augustus Gloop,


Anonymous said...

Awesome! I needed more reasons to quit trying lol. And I love me some chocolate cake!!

Emily Widdison said...

after reading this, I never want to fit in my suit again. I need to go make snicker doodle bars and drink frozen hot chocolate right now!