Thursday, March 25, 2010

Small Town Police Report

I hope you had brain food instead of Diet Coke for breakfast because it is time to play...


a. A man named Clovis reported he received a check in the mail with a letter stating he won the lottery. He took the check to the bank and found it was fake. He wanted police to be aware of the situation.

b. A woman named Ernestita reported she received a child support payment in the form of a letter stating her ex-husband had won the lottery. She took it to the bank and found it was fake. She wanted the police to go over and arrest her husband, sending him to prison for life so she could sell his truck, kick out that trampy woman named Lucinda and let all his plants die.

c. A woman named Lucinda reported that a woman named Ernestita had attacked her and ripped the leopard print jumpsuit that she bought in Vegas. She stated that while "that no good Clovis is replaceable, the leopard print jumpsuit is not".

a. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a rooster on the playground. The animal control officer chased it across the street. He spoke to the owner who said a person was picking the rooster up that night to butcher it for food.
b. Maggie Upchurch reported a possible satanic ritual on the Goat Valley Elementary playground involving a rooster hanging from the monkey bars and kids chanting and circling in a “children of the corn” type manner.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School menu for Friday: 

buttered corn
celery sticks 
rooster nuggets

a. Police received a report that a man was in a field just past Lizard Hill shooting prairie dogs from his truck. He said the bullets were going toward a business. Officers responded and the man said he was new to the area and didn't realize the area was inside town limits. He admitted shooting prairie dogs with a .22-caliber, adding his son sometimes did the same. He said they wouldn't do it any more.

b. Police cited an unlicensed vendor across from Wally’s Hardware selling prairie dog products (i.e. Prairie Dog European-style shoulder bags, deep fried prairie dog on a stick, and prairie dog moccasins)

c. Selma Cooney reports that she got food poisoning from eating “that greasy no good prairie-dog on a stick” and wants someone to pay for her antidiahrreal medication and loss of consortium.

a. A probation officer stated that Stella Floody came in for a probation meeting and was found to be in possession of multiple items of drug paraphernalia. On scene tests of residue from the items showed positive for methamphetamine. 

b. Morris Flewster appeared in court for DUI sentencing exuding a strong odor of alcohol. He stated that he had become despondent and been on a three day bender ever since his girlfriend Stella Floody had disappeared from his life.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a playground altercation between Cy Floody and Fern Flewster involving inacceptable language, sand throwing and fisticuffs. 

What do you think?  Which are the real items and which are fake?  
(Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty)


Sue said...

I'm gonna go with 4 c's.


incognito said... you got me craving rooster nuggets to go with my Diet Coke for breakfast.

Melis said...

Laraine, you saw the police report of someone near and dear to me didn't you? Prairie dogs? I'm gonna show this to him. He did take his son with him sometimes. That's what's so sad. (I must admit I was with him once too. haha) Stupid police!

p.s. Jon went sometimes too. He was lucky and wasn't with them when they got caught :)

Anna said...

These stories don't happen to be personal experience, do they... growing up in that small town of Snowflake??...

Debi said...

I'm gonna go with the leapord jump suit.....simply stunning!

Carol T. said...

If the leapard jumpsuit comes up missing, you might be able to find it in Karen's closet. She has a "thing" for jumpsuits. Just ask Corinn.