Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sacrificing for Science

Dear readers, I continue to tirelessly look after your health by testing the ALARMING rumors about Coke in my state of the art home laboratory (and please pronounce it lub-or-ah-tore-ee because saying it that way whilst stroking your chin adds professionalism.)

Last post I referred to Myth #1. Forgive me, dear reader…it is obviously not a myth until I prove it wrong through scrupulous scientific process, so let us start referring to them as ALERTS. Besides, that sounds much more ALARMING! Let’s get started, there is absolutely no time to waste in saving your health!!!

ALERT #2: You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

This is TRUE!!! Especially if you put the bowl in the back yard with your dog. It probably won’t even take two days.

ALERT #3: To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

Sorry dear readers, but I just did not have time to carry out this experiment. Oh sure, I can drink a can of coke for science; but I simply do not have time to sit my “real thing” on the toilet for one hour waiting for the Coke to make it through my personal plumbing into my nonpersonal plumbing when I can clean my toilet with a squirt of Pine sol and a scrub brush in about one minute. And to debunk another myth: no one has “vitreous” china any more. There has been a vaccine for that since the 60’s. 

ALERT #4: To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

This requires a list with hollow point bullets

• Ladies, I suggest, that to save your marriage, you try this on a neighbor's car
• The middle of the night would be good
• Pick a neighbors car that does not have a car alarm
• Be prepared for the same sensation you get when chewing on tinfoil
• Let’s face it, rust spots are not worth this kind of agony…even for the sake of science.

ALERT #5: Clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

I hung around the parking lot of Auto Zone for three hours, volunteering to bubble away corrosion FREE OF CHARGE for a dozen people who were obviously corroded in more ways than one. This is just a sample conversation.

Me: I see you’re having battery trouble.

Corroded Person: Huh?

Me: I can clean the corrosion on your battery terminals for you.

Corroded Person: Huh?

Me: I’ll do it for free if you’ll buy me some Coke.

Corroded Person: I ain’t fallin for that bullcrap. I’m on probation, and you ain’t foolin me with any of them intrampment-type techniques.

Me: Huh?

Sorry, but I'm all worn out from busting myths.  I think I'll go relax,  drink a Diet Coke and bleach some calcium out of my bones.

1 comment:

Sue said...

Thanks for making the world a little bit safer for coke- addicted Americans everywhere.


PS. And thanks for finding and posting the picture of that dog!!