Don't Regurgitate - Compensate!

Sometime last week, after I ate a small tower of oreos and drank a long cool glass of la leche, I hit myself on the forehead in disgust.

After I peeled the crushed oreo imbedded in sweet lardy goodness off my forehead that I had inadvertently stuck there with my self punishing hand smack, I said to myself while I ate it...

Me:  This just won't do.  Sweet oreo lard is extremely bad for your complexion, and besides, you are a good person who should be able to eat oreos without self flagellation.

Me:  I should?


Me:  Darn tootin'.

Me:  Well, what can we do about all the fat and calories?

 
Me:  For one thing, we're going to quit talking to ourselves and work this out in the laboratory.

Me:  Can I bring the oreos?


Me:  Sure:




And so, dear readers, after a day and a night and a day of testing, a 200 pack of latex gloves, a close call with an explosion  of purple smoke and complaints from the neighbors, I present to you:

Diet Equalizers

This is the deal.  

When you eat something naughty that you will be wearing on your thighs within 24 hours, consult the following equalizer list and counteract your indulgence with sensible compensating behavior.

 NAUGHTY FOOD                               ANTIDOTE

1/2 package Oreos                                One large bunch

                                                                of well chewed celery

Chimichanga w/guacamole                   9 orange habanero

                                                                 chili peppers to speed

                                                                 metabolism into turbo

State fair funnel cake                             1 ride on the tilt-a-hurl

Extra large movie popcorn                    158 involuntary muscle

                                                                  contractions while

                                                                  watching Karate Kid

                                                                  remake

Cheeseburger and fries                          3 large charcoal briquets

                                                                  with grease absorbent

                                                                   capabilities

Top layer of 1 lb. box                              3 lbs. of pulverized

of Sees Nuts and Chews                           peanut shells to 

                                                                   serve as roughage

                                                                   transfer substance

My laboratory is open for further experimentation.  What do you need an antidote for?                                           

 

Caught in the Act

Holy guacamole I've finally been tagged.  

For months now I've been coyly darting around the blogosphere batting my eyelashes, laughing seductively, flipping my hair, turning carefree cartwheels and occasionally running backwards in slow motion while the sun lights up my blue eyes until they are the color of the sky after a thunderstorm.  

Finally, all that hard work has finally paid off and I have been TAGGED  by a sweet reader named Melba who assures me that if I do not  answer the following important questions I will break the chain and my associates will all be cursed with psoriasis of the liver.  

 


Melba, before I answer, may I just ask whether you were named after a peach because of your rosy complexion or because of that layer of fuzz that adds so much to your face and personality?  (Please email me with your answer.)




1.  Where were you five years ago?


Five years ago Melba,  I found myself deep within the bowels of the rainforest on an expedition to map a little known tributary of the Amazon accompanied only by my small brown guide, and an inflatable canoe I had previously purchased from the LL Bean catalog for 40% off.  Or, I might have been folding clothes and doing dishes, I can't remember for sure because of the concussion I received either when I was knocked out of my canoe by an anaconda, or when I tripped over a skateboard in the garage.

2.  On my to-do list today?

Hose off the Jaguar, eat a pound of bacon, pick up the dry cleaning  and exercise.


3.  What are your five favorite snacks?
     *a.  bugles
     *b.  olives
     *c.  little squares of pepper jack cheese
     *d.  brownie bites
     *e.  partially thawed cream puffs from a tub purchased at Costco

*I believe it doesn't qualify as a "snack" unless you can store it on your fingers for handy consumption while reading or watching television.  Snacks may be facilitated via toothpick only if you are at the computer.

4.  If you were a billionaire you would...

Oh Melba, you silly, I wouldn't change a thing except I'd do more of it.

Sorry guys, I'm too tired to tag anyone else, plus I wouldn't want any of you to risk psoriasis of the liver