After I peeled the crushed oreo imbedded in sweet lardy goodness off my forehead that I had inadvertently stuck there with my self punishing hand smack, I said to myself while I ate it...
Me: This just won't do. Sweet oreo lard is extremely bad for your complexion, and besides, you are a good person who should be able to eat oreos without self flagellation.
Me: I should?
Me: Darn tootin'.
Me: Well, what can we do about all the fat and calories?
Me: For one thing, we're going to quit talking to ourselves and work this out in the laboratory.
Me: Can I bring the oreos?
Me: Sure:
And so, dear readers, after a day and a night and a day of testing, a 200 pack of latex gloves, a close call with an explosion of purple smoke and complaints from the neighbors, I present to you:
Diet Equalizers
This is the deal.
When you eat something naughty that you will be wearing on your thighs within 24 hours, consult the following equalizer list and counteract your indulgence with sensible compensating behavior.
NAUGHTY FOOD ANTIDOTE
1/2 package Oreos One large bunch
of well chewed celery
Chimichanga w/guacamole 9 orange habanero
chili peppers to speed
metabolism into turbo
State fair funnel cake 1 ride on the tilt-a-hurl
Extra large movie popcorn 158 involuntary muscle
contractions while
watching Karate Kid
remake
Cheeseburger and fries 3 large charcoal briquets
with grease absorbent
capabilities
Top layer of 1 lb. box 3 lbs. of pulverized
of Sees Nuts and Chews peanut shells to
serve as roughage
transfer substance
My laboratory is open for further experimentation. What do you need an antidote for?
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