The Haircut of Low Expectations

The sight of a boy,

 hair carved in a mullet

has the effect 

of a rock in my gullet.

When mommy and daddy

gave him a tail

they'd might as well said

"Go directly to jail

Do not pass eighth grade

Do not collect learnin'

cause minimum wage

is all you'll be earnin'"

Big Rock Candy Mountain High

There is a disturbing trend that I feel is

1.  UnAmerican


2.  Undelicious


3.  Unusually harmful to the psyche


What is this trend you might ask?  Well I'll tell you.

Banning sugar from your life

Oh, you might think this is harmless, but once you quit eating delicious Hostess cupcakes, Reeses peanut butter cups, ice cream and the like, you will become so irritable and unloveable that no one will want to be around you and you may:

l.  Get divorced and lose custody of your children because you have denied them Marshmallow Maties and made them eat Bran Flakes

2.  Lose all your milkshake swiggin' friends

3.  Lose your sugar control in a violent outburst , leading to the breaking and entering of a donut shop where the police will find you lying bloated in front of an empty donut display with jelly and powdered sugar on your lips.

If the good Lord 

had wanted us to abstain from sugar

Why did He create

 The Big Rock Candy Mountain?

Oprah and Me

As most of my dear readers know

This woman

 And me (photo taken in Oprah's guest bathroom)

Are like this.

If you are an Opraphile, you already know that this woman

Kitty Kelley

has written a "tell all" book about my best friend, Oprah.  (Oprah always identifies that Gayle woman as her best friend to protect my privacy.)  Ms. Kelley repeatedly contacted me for an interview into the private world of her Oprahness, but of course, as a best friend I said no, no, no, no, and double no until Ms. Kelley offered me front row tickets to the 

Barry Manilow show in Vegas and I succumbed.  

(I am not made of stone you know)

And so dear reader, I offer you a sneak peek 

Of the interview that lead to the chapter in this book

  that is titled:  "Oprah's real Best Friend"

K.K.  (Kitty Kelley)  Thank you for finally agreeing to meet with me Laraine.

L:  Gesturing wildly  Don't call me Laraine you numbskull!  I don't want everyone to know my real name, call me my blog name, Larainy Days.

KK:  Very well Larainy Days.  Do you mind if I record this conversation on the spy recorder shaped like a cameo that is pinned between my bosoms?

LD:  What's the matter, are your hands broken?  Write it down.  I don't want to look at your bosoms the whole time.  I'm not that kind of girl.


KK:  Okay, okay.


LD:  Besides, I sound weird on tape...like I smoke cigars and have hairy legs


KK:  I understand.


LD:  How could you possibly understand, your legs are obviously lasered.


KK:  Back to Oprah.


LD:  Let me just say this.  She's not exactly who she says she is.


KK:  What do you mean?


LD:  Those eyelashes?  Fake.


KK:  Well, that's not exactly a secret.


LD:  Oh yeah?  Well how about this?  Those extra fifty pounds she's been packing?  Fake.


KK:  Why would she fake her weight gain?


LD:  Three little words Kitty; sym pa thee.  Every time she gets fat her ratings go up.


KK:  Really?


LD:  Oh yeah, and I suppose you want my theory on why that is so.


KK:  Oh, please (scribbling furiously)


LD:  It's like this.  If you're skinny, you like to watch people on TV that are fatter than you so you can think to yourself "man, I sure am glad I'm not fat like that poor girl".  If you're chubby you like to watch people on TV that are also chubby so you can think to yourself  "That plumpalicious gal is someone that would eat a Bloomin' Onion with me without telling me it contains 150 fat grams and then take me to Dairy Queen for dessert.  That there is my kinda gal."  When my best friend Oprah gains weight, she captures the entire skinny-fat demographic.


KK:  I must say, I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew what a demographic was.


LD:  Of course I do, that's why I'm a Republican.

KK:  Can we go on to another subject?  Tell me what you know about Oprah's relationship with Stedman.

LD:  Who's that?


Dear readers, you are just going to have to read the book to get the rest of my insights which include:

• the thread count of Oprah's toilet paper
• the name of her pet unicorn (hint, it rhymes with yomama)
• her plan to buy Disneyland and implode Splash Mountain because it propogates Brer' rabbit stereotyping.

Nutrition Intuition

I have had no trouble getting 

my five servings a day 

in...

 ever since I discovered 

that lovely vegetable called 

kettlecorn

and don't forget your red vines, since 

they are basically a fruit! 

 

What I Did on My Spring Vacation

I realize that there has been a long silence on Larainydays, which in turn has left a hole in your heart, a void in your intellect, a crack in your emotional stability, and a chasm in your water cooler conversation. 

Hence my concerned, sympathetic expression in your behalf

But I am the bearer of good news, because during my absence I have obtained a boat load of wisdom that I am now going to download on your computer which will then flow into your under-utilized brain and spark out of your fingertips, making everything you touch blossom and prosper.  (Or, at a minimum, it will improve the look of your fingerprints so you will not be embarrassed if you are ever arrested.)

During my recent trip into the bowels of the Grand Canyon (located in the Grand Canyon state) I was lead by a snow white mountain goat down a dangerous rocky path to a mystical cave inhabited by a wise man. 

After offering the old one a traditional Grand Canyon gift of a postcard and trail mix without nuts (wise man has industrial strength eyebrows but zero teeth) he inclined his head toward me, indicating that 

a.  I could I asked a boon of him 

     or

b.  That he was asleep

When he awoke three hours later he looked at me with gentle surprise as if to ask "What the heck are you doing in my cave?"  As I humbly reminded him of the gift basket I had brought to exchange for his wisdom he sighed and, reaching deep within the bosom of his rough woven robe, he removed a wrinkled scrap of paper, took a lump of charcoal and wrote upon it.  He then closed his eyes once more.

 

Carefully I put the precious, wisdom laden scrap of paper in the pocket of my green cargo shorts and walked the 6.7 miles up a trail laden with mule poop infused dust to the top of the canyon.  I searched out a quiet spot on the canyon rim, removed the scrap of paper and read these transformative words.

1.  "You smell sweaty, you need to change deodorants"

2.  "To be truly righteous, the question is not paper or plastic, the  question is handwoven basket or clay pot."

3.  "High waisted pants are coming back and there is nothing you can do to stop them."

Sometimes, you need a vacation to put it all in perspective.

Dancin' granny

First I saw this

 

And suddenly I was able to dance like this

without one zumba lesson

Potty Pity

Please join me in a campaign 

to reopen Arizona Rest Stops!

Exorcism on Enrose Street

I feel so much better now that I have rid my home of an evil presence.  

Namely, this

This atrocity has been haunting my home for nearly a year.  My son Joey innocently brought it home from a scavenger hunt, not realizing the effect it would have on all of us.  

This "couch size" horror was painted by someone under the influence of fermented cactus jelly purchased in the "Hi Jolly Arizona Gift Shop".  Dripping with pink and turquoise, it cast a spell of touristiness that caused us to desire t-shirts with kokopelli and howling coyotes.  We found ourselves driving 15 miles per hour with our blinkers on, saying "Hey, would ya look at those cacti with their arms all up in the air!" We laid out by the pool side in January and wore our fiery sunburns underneath our khaki shorts and golf shirts.


But that is all over now.  We are free


If you want your own haunted house, go to Goodwill and you can buy it back.

Small Town Police Report

I hope you had brain food instead of Diet Coke for breakfast because it is time to play...

MULTIPLE CHOICE 

SMALL TOWN POLICE REPORT

a. A man named Clovis reported he received a check in the mail with a letter stating he won the lottery. He took the check to the bank and found it was fake. He wanted police to be aware of the situation.

b. A woman named Ernestita reported she received a child support payment in the form of a letter stating her ex-husband had won the lottery. She took it to the bank and found it was fake. She wanted the police to go over and arrest her husband, sending him to prison for life so she could sell his truck, kick out that trampy woman named Lucinda and let all his plants die.

c. A woman named Lucinda reported that a woman named Ernestita had attacked her and ripped the leopard print jumpsuit that she bought in Vegas. She stated that while "that no good Clovis is replaceable, the leopard print jumpsuit is not".

a. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a rooster on the playground. The animal control officer chased it across the street. He spoke to the owner who said a person was picking the rooster up that night to butcher it for food.

b. Maggie Upchurch reported a possible satanic ritual on the Goat Valley Elementary playground involving a rooster hanging from the monkey bars and kids chanting and circling in a “children of the corn” type manner.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School menu for Friday: 

milk 

buttered corn

celery sticks 

rooster nuggets

a. Police received a report that a man was in a field just past Lizard Hill shooting prairie dogs from his truck. He said the bullets were going toward a business. Officers responded and the man said he was new to the area and didn't realize the area was inside town limits. He admitted shooting prairie dogs with a .22-caliber, adding his son sometimes did the same. He said they wouldn't do it any more.

b. Police cited an unlicensed vendor across from Wally’s Hardware selling prairie dog products (i.e. Prairie Dog European-style shoulder bags, deep fried prairie dog on a stick, and prairie dog moccasins)

c. Selma Cooney reports that she got food poisoning from eating “that greasy no good prairie-dog on a stick” and wants someone to pay for her antidiahrreal medication and loss of consortium.



a. A probation officer stated that Stella Floody came in for a probation meeting and was found to be in possession of multiple items of drug paraphernalia. On scene tests of residue from the items showed positive for methamphetamine. 

b. Morris Flewster appeared in court for DUI sentencing exuding a strong odor of alcohol. He stated that he had become despondent and been on a three day bender ever since his girlfriend Stella Floody had disappeared from his life.

c. Goat Valley Elementary School principal Ed Paddle reported a playground altercation between Cy Floody and Fern Flewster involving inacceptable language, sand throwing and fisticuffs. 

What do you think?  Which are the real items and which are fake?  
(Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty)

Wicked Bad Hair Day

The following factors can lead to a bad hair day:

• Using lotion when you run out of conditioner 

• A curling iron with a defective temperature regulator that crisps your hair causing it to smell like you are branding calves in a Spring roundup

• Mistaking Nair for Pantene

• A malfunctioning spark shooting blow dryer 

•  Inattention while styling due to too much critical attention of your naked self in steamy mirror.

• Hairspray induced high resulting in an excess of teasing

If any of these have ever happened to you, cheer up Charlie, I'm sure you didn't look as bad as these unfortunate fellow earthlings.

 Which is scarier, his hair or his face?  You choose.

Carefree, windblown bachelor seeking a strong woman 

with electric clippers to wrestle me down 

and put my hair out of its misery.

Did you know Mr. Bean is living in Jamaica 

trying out for a Reggae band?

This is why I believe in BB guns

Humidity really adds volume

Princess Diana couldn't help this man

and neither can Camilla

Oh wait...this was a bad scalp day

The jury only took 11 minutes to

convict Phil Spector's hair to life in prison.

(Obviously he had already been electrocuted)

The Red Queen and Bellatrix portrayed 

in one massive messy tangle on top of 
Helena Bonham Carter's head

I feel your pain buddy.  

I'm just glad I can't smell you

The Donald continues his generous public service: 

making us all feel better about our hair