Pages

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Laundry Lessons


Laundry
Laraine F. Eddington

I must have been about ten and I was supposed to be folding laundry.  There were already several batches on my bed when I brought a new basket hot from the dryer and dumped it on the pile.  

At this time I was the only girl in a big family of boys who were pretty much excused from the constant domestic chores to work outside on the ranch.  I looked at the prodigious pile of jeans, t-shirts and unmatched socks.  I carefully closed my bedroom door, found my current library book and wormed my way under the mound.  Snug as a bug in a rug I propped up on my elbows, pushed up my glasses and read… page after delicious page.

The bedroom door burst open and there stood Mikey, the youngest, not yet old enough to be an ornery tease like his older brothers. 

“Whatcha’ doing Rainy?”

“Reading.”

“Oh.”  

He turned and slammed the door behind him.

What had I done?  He was obviously a pint sized spy sent by Mom.  Now I would be in tons of trouble for not folding clothes.  My eyes filled with tears of self-pity.  My life was so unfair, chores, chores and more chores.  No sister to tell secrets to and be my ally against my stinky brothers.  I waited for my Mom to come in and say she was disappointed in me.

But she didn’t come.  She left me undisturbed for the next couple hours.  I dried my tears, folded clothes and then I read some more.

When I think about my childhood I remember moments like this; the time Mom woke me up 3 times and when I still didn’t get up, brought me avocado on toast and gave me a kiss.  The times she let me stay up late-late-late to finish just one more chapter.

She knew my childhood was a world filled with responsibility.  She knew it was good for me and that I would be grateful my whole life that I knew how to work hard, organize and be efficient.  But she also knew that I needed mercy, quick forgiveness and treats I didn’t deserve.  She knew that the sweetest tenderness is unearned.




Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Underage Calves Not Allowed

I have driven by this place
in a little northern Arizona hamlet dozens of times
 and it always flummoxes me.
Admittedly, I am not an expert 
on the subject of adult cabarets
but...
given the advertising,
who would want to dance here?


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

North to Alaska

photo by Maddie
The older of my tall boys just went north to Alaska for a job/adventure.  He has been training every weekend for months to drive one of these
No you silly, that's not a bus.  It's a "coach". 
It's called a coach because it is  as long as a football field and when you're driving a bus load of seniors from an Alaskan cruise you're going to have to use all your coaching skills to wake them up because they are so full from the ship buffet that they are all dreaming of the next meal and snoring away in their comfy seats completely ignoring the grizzly herds in Denali National Park.

But if you happen to take a Holland cruise to Alaska this summer, and in a brief moment of wakefulness, come upon a bus driver named Max, be sure to ask him how many gold nuggets he's found and how many times he's been attacked by a moose

These are things a mother needs to know.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Plastic Surgery Danger Signs

When I was a kid growing up on a ranch,
when someone said they were
"getting some work done" 
it meant building fence, hoeing weeds,  
 bottling tomatoes or a host of other chores.

Now "getting some work done" 
means paying someone else a lot of money 
to work you over 
into what you hope will be a better version of yourself.

Pay attention while Larainy alerts you 
to some 
 signs 
in the plastic surgery workplace

    • If you found your doctor because of a hand written advertisement with a tear off number on a grocery store bulletin board 

    • If the doctor's office windows are covered with newspaper and the reception area has leaking bean bag chairs repaired with duct tape

    • If liposuction room  has a dustbuster mounted on the wall






    • When you inquire about "lip plumping", your doctor pulls out a syringe and begins filling it with
    •  Your doctors solution to stubborn belly fat is to sell you a $900 pair of industrial Spanx and a elongating fun house mirror
    • His anesthesiologist wears a tool belt with a big mallet
    • A year after your procedure is done your friends keep asking you if you need to lie down or volunteering to bring you dinner while you recover from your car accident





    P.S.  I have enabled comment moderation 
    due to an exciting new following of neanderthals!





    Thursday, April 19, 2012

    Newt's Wild Kingdom

    Newt Gingrich bitten by penguin at zoo, a place where he loves to go

    Newt Gingrich with a binturong bearcat in 1995. (Joe Marquette/AP

    Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin at the Saint Louis Zoo on Friday during a private tour, zoo officials said.
    The candidate was on the tour before giving a speech to the National Rifle Association convention when "he was nipped on the finger" by a Magellanic penguin."

    ~*~

    Of course, Larainy could not help but dig deeper into this outrageous miscarriage of animal/political justice/injustice.  


    Me:  Hey, you in the penguin suit.  Are you the malefactor that assaulted Newt?


    Penguin:  Yeah, that's me.  And if you want to make something of it swim across that moat and stick one of those bony fingers my way.


    Me:  Gee, what got your glossy feathers in such a bunch?

    Penguin:  (Pulls wallet out of secret penguin pocket)  See this?  Do you know what this is?

    Me:  Your Costco card?

    Penguin:  No, you dunderhead.  I'm a card carrying member of the ACLU and I don't like politicians who give speeches at the NRA.

    Me:  You're a member of the American Civil Liberties Union?

    Penguin:  Of course I am, and I'm a Democrat too.  Haven't you seen "March of the Penguins"?  That was just a warm up march.  We're headed for Washington just as soon as Al Gore's hot air melts the rest of the polar ice.


    Me:  What cause are you marching for?


    Penguin:  The right for every penguin to be given a top hat and cane.  It's outrageous that we've been forced to live in formal wear for centuries without accessories.  We can keep eggs in the hats and those canes will come in handy during hockey season.

    Me:  I think you better get a move on if you're going to march on Washington.

    Penguin:  Don't I know it.  We don't stand a chance if Mitt Romney is president.  Now there's a finger I'd like to bite.


    Monday, April 16, 2012

    My Lost Friend

    I've lost my camera!

    The last time I remember using it was when I surreptitiously took a rear view shot of the 400 lb. man wearing low riding gangster shorts and an enormous white t-shirt riding a mini bike in the Safeway parking lot.  I promise you would have liked it.

    The camera was old, but like all old friends was extremely trustworthy.  Now, alas I'm afraid it is gone forever.  But, if you come across a Canon powershot that contains, but is not limited to, these precious memories frozen on my memory card...
    • a blurry image of Elvis pumping gas in Clovis, New Mexico
    • 893 shots of my adorable grandchildren
    • a darling image of my freshly painted toenails, including the super-long second toe on my right foot that I can do tricks with
    • several humbling self portraits
    • a damning shot of John Stamos cutting in line at Disneyland
    and return it, I'll take you to lunch at Tia Rosa's

    Friday, April 13, 2012

    Sorry, I'm Huffy





    Precluding a woman
    from having an opinion
    about national affairs
    because she is a stay at home mom,
    makes as much sense
    as saying a working mom
    knows nothing about raising children.

    Both are nonsensical



    Wednesday, April 11, 2012

    The New Oprah

    There are some people born to be on television


    Somebody please give her a talk show.

    Monday, April 9, 2012

    How Pinterest Almost Killed My Dog

    Lured by a luscious recipe for Rosemary Olive Oil Bread 
    from the bounteous plenitude of deliciousness 
    that gluts Pinterest all the live long day, 
    I measured and mixed and created a dough blob 
    with fresh rosemary snipped from the garden.  

    I put it out to rise on in the warm sun on top of my outdoor grill.
    where the yeasty fragrance got the better of my greedy ol' Nixon.
     The first 24 hours were fine,
    he frolicked
     like he didn't have a 3 lb. rosemary dough blob
    dragging his belly to the ground.

    I made another dough blob
    and it turned out like this.
     It didn't hurt our bellies at all
    although they also may have been dragging
    a little closer to the ground.

    But then,
    the fruits of his theft
    bloomed into
    something very pinteresting
    in Nixon's belly.
    He put the woe in woebegone for about three hours.
    I thought maybe it might develop into
     woebedoggone.

    But he survived
    and says he'd do it again in a heartbeat

     

    Tuesday, April 3, 2012

    Mystery on I-40

    We were traveling a busy road from California to Arizona.
    Boring, predictable.

    Until we got in back of this vehicle.
    What was that scary thing in the back window?

    Was it even alive?

    It haunts me still.