Scandalicious

Dutchess of York Sarah Ferguson offers access to old Weight Watcher recipes for cash on video

By Rhoda Peters
Monday, May 24, 2010

A London tabloid disclosed video footage Sunday of Sarah Ferguson, former spokesman for Weight Watchers, telling an undercover reporter that she would arrange access to valuable antique weight watcher recipes, in return for substantial payments. 

The Duchess of York did not dispute the authenticity of the tape, in which she appears to ask for a down payment of $40,000 in cash, followed by 500,000 pounds (about $724,000), which she says would "open doors to food more delicious than you could ever dream of." 

She said in a statement: "I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment it has caused. However, it has been hard for me to sit by and watch while the Weight Watchers Organization selfishly hoards these brilliant recipes."






 



"While I firmly believe that everyone should be able to partake of murky blue-green liquids such as the one in this Mexican dish, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment."

 The newspaper, owned by Rupert Murdoch, said that Weight Watcher management knew nothing about the alleged scheme, and Ferguson says on the tape that “…those starving old biddies wanted to keep delicious creations such as 'Inspiration Soup" secreted away in dusty old file boxes forever.”  

News of the World had reporter Mazher Mahmood pose as a wealthy businessman seeking help for his rapidly expanding waistline in a conversation recorded Tuesday in a London apartment. Mahmood's Fleet Street nickname is the "Fat Sheik." 





As for the ethics of a journalist impersonating a businessman, Nixson said that there was "a legitimate public interest in delectable low calorie dishes such as 'Fluffy Mackerel Pudding' " and that this is "common practice" in the United Kingdom.

Buckingham Palace had no comment but has requested all the recipes.

Hitching a Ride on the Toilet Train

There are few sights more pathetic than a mother sitting on the edge of a bathtub waiting for a child to make a deposit in the toilet. She is nothing but a groveling pawn--dancing and handing out treats while her ruthless child masterfully pulls the puppet strings. It isn’t right.

Since I am the mother of five children who were completely potty trained before they could drive, I would like to offer my expertise and three tried and true methods to help you maintain your dignity.

The “Village” Method

Send your kid forth into the neighborhood to spend one day with each neighbor, each of whom has already bragged to you about being an expert with a magic method to cure children of their nasty diaper habits. By the time your little one has spent a day with each one of your weird neighbors, junior will run home and greet your toilet like an old friend.

The “Natural” Method

This involves total nudity and a miniature surveillance camera. Junior will be happy because he is naked except for the camera strapped around his chest that is focused on the plumbing area. You will be comfortably ensconced in your lazy boy watching the TLC channel, occasionally checking the video monitor that is right next to your Route 44 Diet Coke from Sonic. When you catch sight of a plumbing leak or eruption, you will leap, sprint, scoop up Junior and plop him on the toilet. Junior will eliminate and you will have eliminated all that boring bathtub perching time.

The “Positive Humiliation” Method 

When Junior is settled in bed for the night with his Buzz Light Year quilt tucked under his dimpled chin, tell him the story of “Diaper Man”. Diaper man is the bad guy who comes in the window at night to see which lazy little kids are still wearing diapers. If he catches you in XXL Huggies, he will immediately call Dora the Explorer on his cell phone and she will then make fun of you on TV the next day with the whole world watching and everyone will laugh but you because you don’t understand Spanish.

WC Feliz todo el mundo

Caught in the Act

Holy guacamole I've finally been tagged.  

For months now I've been coyly darting around the blogosphere batting my eyelashes, laughing seductively, flipping my hair, turning carefree cartwheels and occasionally running backwards in slow motion while the sun lights up my blue eyes until they are the color of the sky after a thunderstorm.  

Finally, all that hard work has finally paid off and I have been TAGGED  by a sweet reader named Melba who assures me that if I do not  answer the following important questions I will break the chain and my associates will all be cursed with psoriasis of the liver.  

 


Melba, before I answer, may I just ask whether you were named after a peach because of your rosy complexion or because of that layer of fuzz that adds so much to your face and personality?  (Please email me with your answer.)




1.  Where were you five years ago?


Five years ago Melba,  I found myself deep within the bowels of the rainforest on an expedition to map a little known tributary of the Amazon accompanied only by my small brown guide, and an inflatable canoe I had previously purchased from the LL Bean catalog for 40% off.  Or, I might have been folding clothes and doing dishes, I can't remember for sure because of the concussion I received either when I was knocked out of my canoe by an anaconda, or when I tripped over a skateboard in the garage.

2.  On my to-do list today?

Hose off the Jaguar, eat a pound of bacon, pick up the dry cleaning  and exercise.


3.  What are your five favorite snacks?
     *a.  bugles
     *b.  olives
     *c.  little squares of pepper jack cheese
     *d.  brownie bites
     *e.  partially thawed cream puffs from a tub purchased at Costco

*I believe it doesn't qualify as a "snack" unless you can store it on your fingers for handy consumption while reading or watching television.  Snacks may be facilitated via toothpick only if you are at the computer.

4.  If you were a billionaire you would...

Oh Melba, you silly, I wouldn't change a thing except I'd do more of it.

Sorry guys, I'm too tired to tag anyone else, plus I wouldn't want any of you to risk psoriasis of the liver

Cranial Canoeing

Shallow Thoughts 

by 

Larainy

 


Maybe dogs aren’t really that loyal. Maybe they are all just good actors.  














When you hear a bell ring on earth it means an angel in heaven got wings. When you hear a car alarm, it means someone in hell is getting jabbed with a red hot poker.





If you don’t want to get the baby blues, next time you should plan better and have a girl.

The reason librarians are grouchy is because they are surrounded by thousands of books and people keep asking them questions about the ones they haven’t read.

I think computers are the reason the world is becoming so obese because hey, everybody needs a place to put their laptop.




It’s lonely being the child of an environmentalist because the trees get all the hugs.   

Happiness: The Cure

We humans can only take only so many zippety doo dah days before we have the need to feel bad again and restore harmony to the universe. If you had been feeling far too good for far too long, why not come back down to earth by singing this little song.

My Least Favorite Things

(With apologies to Oscar Hammerstein II)

Bird poop on roses and mangy bald kittens

Aluminum kettles and moth eaten mittens

Brown paper packages with volatile things

That explode when I pull on the wrapping strings

Losing race ponies that shoot my caboodle

Door bell at midnight by neighbor with poodle

Vampire bats with the moon on their wings 

These are a few of my least favorite things

Boys in white dresses with blue satin sashes

Snowflakes that stay on the road and cause crashes

Silver white winters that won’t melt in Spring

These are a few of my least favorite things

When the day’s bright

When my heart sings

When I'm feeling glad

I simply remember my least favorite things

And then I start feeling bad.

Bury Me Not

Today I am participating in the “Let’s Talk Blogfest.”

You can go to Fiction Groupie  for more great dialogue

Eavesdropping at the Funeral Home

Evelyn: Oh my, Mimi looks wonderful doesn’t she?

Velma: Goodness yes, she looks so natural, better than she has in years.

Evelyn:  Ten years younger.


Velma:  At least.


Evelyn: Is she still wearing her…


Velma: I can’t really tell from this angle, it’s hidden by her…


Evelyn: Take a step this way, now can you…


Velma: Yes, she’s still got it on.


Evelyn: Well, that is a shame.


Velma: It certainly is.


Evelyn: It’s not like she needs it any more.


Velma: Doesn’t need it at all.


Evelyn: Just throwing away good money.


Velma: It's just foolish.


Evelyn: You wouldn’t catch me wearing one.

Velma: Not with a brand new set of sassy bosoms.


Evelyn: Don’t need it.


Velma: A complete waste of a good bra.


Evelyn: Amen.

The Songs That Never End

Last week Sonny and Cher started hanging out in a moldy little disused corner of my cerebellum singing I Got You Babe after I accidentally ingested some bad karaoke. 

Not only did I have to put up with that whiny song, but I kept feeling Sonny’s mustache tickling my neck at odd moments. Some people call this an “ear worm” but I refuse to call it that because then I will be thinking of I Got You Babe and a worm grubbing around in my ear at the same time and I don’t think I can take it.

Because I am always looking out for your health and sanity, dear readers, and because I want to protect your brains moldy corners from invasive lyrics, I am providing you with a cautionary list of 

SONGS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS

But here we run into a problem, because if I list these songs, just writing the titles will put the songs in your tender little mind and you will soon be pulling out all available body hair and jumping off cliffs before the day is over. So…I am going to describe the song in just enough detail for you to identify it, but 

DO NOT LET THE LYRIC INTO YOUR 

VULNERABLE NOGGIN 

OR I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE

1. This song is a query as to whom is culpable for setting the canines at liberty.


2. This song is a story about the king of the jungle and where he will slumber this evening.


3. This song is sung by hideous robotic children in ethnic costumes imprisoned in a cave inside the “Happiest Place on Earth”


4. This song is about ants striding in numeric formations


5. This song is sung by squishy purple dinosaur that walks on his hind legs and is on the “no fly list” in every major airport


6. This song is an apology from Britney Spears for a mistake she has repeated


7. This song is the union anthem sung by identical hordes of squatty candy makers in the employ of Mr. W. Wonka


8. This cyclical song is a commercial and request for food sung by cats in their own language


9. This song is about a blood pumping organ that will never fail (also associated with a doomed cruise ship that hit an iceberg)




If any of these horrible songs should leak its way inside your skull, plug your ears with your fingers and sing the Star Spangled Banner as loud as you can five times. At this point someone will probably hit you over the head with a stick and knock you unconscious. If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up with amnesia.

To Baste or Not to Baste?

Of course you know what day it is...

SCIENCE FRIDAY!!!

 

I was so excited to have a GUEST POST  by this guy

But then I found out he is on a field trip somewhere that isn't earth.  

Therefore, or "hence" if you're a drama major, I am going to have to handle your science questions myself.

Aurelia, a young woman from Arizona asks:

Why is tanning so bad for you?

Well Aurelia, this is not only a science question, it is a science/health/social question.  Hence, it has taken so much of my brain power to formulate an answer that a lay (or is it lie?) person can understand, that I felt dizzy, my toes went numb and I had to spend an hour in a recliner drinking Coke Vanilla Zero and watching Jack Bauer kill a bunch of people just to get the vigorosity to answer in my usual erudite manner.

1.  You remember Mr. Sun don't you? 

Well, even if Mr. Sun looks friendly and cheerful.  HE IS NOT!  He is, even as we speak, sending deadly U.V. (ultra violent)  rays hurtling towards earth.  Each U.V. ray is attached to a teensy weensy invisible arrow with a very sharp point.  If you go out in the sun unprotected (without a ginormous straw hat the size of a beach umbrella or a quart of 50 proof sunscreen) you will be pelted with these invisible U.V. arrows; each of which will immediately burrow under your tender skin and let loose a toxin that will eventually turn your skin into  

THIS

Oh wait, I think this one might be a rhino. 

THIS!!!

(Now don't get me wrong, I like leather as much as the next cowgirl, but I get sweaty if I have to sleep in it.)

2.  Tanning booths are also dangerous!  Do you really want to pay your hard earned bucks to be shut in a vertical/horizontal coffin in your birthday suit wearing goggles while manufactured ultraviolent ray darts are hurled at you by a gum chewing tattooed "technician" still working on her G.E.D.?

3.  And lastly Aurelia...  duh, you live in Arizona!!!  Do you want to get arrested?

Sensei and Sensibility

When I was ten I was forced to pound a blubbery bully underneath the bleachers at a basketball game in Thatcher, Arizona.  I don't remember his offense, but it was obviously grevious because I had to be fuming with fury to muster enough power in my skinny snakelike arms to beat up anyone.  Fortunately, I had honed my pugilistic techniques by pounding and being pounded by my  brothers from the time we were toddlers.
 

Let us bow respectfully to some worthy examples of the ancient art of self defense.

 If Scarlett's oar doesn't kill you

the laser beams coming out her eyes will 

One day Grasshopper, you will learn 

to trim the hedges using only your hands...

like your big sister, Locust 

Renee administers a fatal kiss via lethal lipgloss

to her ancient enemy, Aunt Annabelle

Arturo's moves are all contained within this book...

now available on Amazon.   

Only $19.95: includes free throwing star 

Bobbi Bowie (David Bowie's mother)

has been stuck in this position since 1984

Skip Fronske demonstrates his highly effective pose

while pleaing for donations to Professors without Borders

Skippy indicates his desire to have shish kebabs for dinner

This is the postcard Gordon sends to his kids 

when they write home and ask for money

It was hard for Mom to tell which was the evil twin, 

since both of them liked kitties

Maryann suddenly realized who she had heard howling 

during the last full moon 

and reached for the silver bullet

All photos found here

Take Two Advil and Don't Call Me in the Morning

A glorious day of honor sometimes leads to

 Mother's Day hangover