Con FESS ional

Fess Parker, TV's `Davy Crockett,' dies at 85

Published: 3/19/10, 9:45 AM EDT
By JEFF WILSON

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Fess Parker, a television icon to a generation of youngsters as Davy Crockett and later Daniel Boone, has died at the age of 85 of natural causes.

Am I the only woman crying over the death of Fess Parker?  Don't tell me that you aren't wailing over the loss of this long legged, coonskin capped, rifle totin' hunk of rugged manliness!  Every childhood week I used to take my bath, put on my pink nightgown and comb the tangles out of my hair in front of my hero as he fought bears and ate jerky in glorious black in white on our little television with the rounded corners.  


I spent hours with my cousins in the wilderness  1/4 mile beyond our home building an elaborate "Daniel Boone Fort" amongst the junipers.  We laboriously ground chunks of sandstone into "gunpowder" to fend off Indian attacks, seeing no irony in the fact that our Navajo foster sister was joining in enthusiastically.


I worshiped Daniel Boone's family, including his daughter Jemima who I imagined would like to come to my house and make me pancakes.

I planned to name my first son Israel, like the little boy with the blond Hollywood haircut who got to wear moccasins every day.

I was thrilled by Daniel's sidekick, Mingo; a fake Indian with badly barbered bangs that cut albums when he wasn't backing up Daniel Boone.  Mingo was good, but not quite worthy of wearing a rodent pelt on his head.  That honor belonged only to my Daniel.




I feel sorry for my kids.  Their TV heroes were total wimps compared to my frontiersmen.

Daniel and Mingo would have mopped the floor with these blowdried fluffy city boys.

My world isn't quite as safe now that Daniel Boone is gone; although I hear the raccoons are all having a party.

The Wonderful World of Disney

When Uncle Walt Disney called Disneyland "The Happiest Place on Earth",  he was basically fibbing because he wasn't rich yet and he hadn't really traveled, so he had no idea where the happiest place on earth was.  When Walt finally had enough money to travel, he went to Switzerland and said, "Holy moly, this is way happier than Anaheim!  Oh well, too late now." 

I'm glad I didn't go to Disneyland when it first opened because 

a)  They didn't sell churros back in the olden days.  (They sold biscuits, corn pone and raccoon on a stick)  


b)  The first ride was on a gunnysack pulled by a burro (aka "Brighty of the Grand Canyon")



We just got back from Disneyland and while I stood in line I obsessively checked my happiness meter.  There were definitely some happy moments, such as...

• The thrill of walking like the Queen of England in the fast pass lane past hundreds of serfs who waited 85 minutes for Indiana Jones to inflict permanent spinal damage while I got the "no-waiting"permanent spinal damage.

• The thrill of bumping into friends to hang out with--the kind of friends who buy you a poncho to keep your Disneyland coiffure intact after your ride in a hollowed log through Splash Mountain so that later, when you meet Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean you will still look smokin' hot.

•  The thrill of knocking the head off a singing foreign child-robot with a freshly purchased light saber during an 5-hour trip through "It's a Small World".

 
 

• The thrill of meeting lots of friendly people like these

 (This is what happened whenever I tried to start a "Supercalifragilisticexpealadocious" singalong)

•  The thrill of seeing real ears, amongst the Mickey ears.

 And finally...
 

•  The thrill of leaving "The Happiest Place on Earth" and finding out I was still happy. 

Sacrificing for Science

Dear readers, I continue to tirelessly look after your health by testing the ALARMING rumors about Coke in my state of the art home laboratory (and please pronounce it lub-or-ah-tore-ee because saying it that way whilst stroking your chin adds professionalism.)


Last post I referred to Myth #1. Forgive me, dear reader…it is obviously not a myth until I prove it wrong through scrupulous scientific process, so let us start referring to them as ALERTS. Besides, that sounds much more ALARMING! Let’s get started, there is absolutely no time to waste in saving your health!!!




ALERT #2: You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.


This is TRUE!!! Especially if you put the bowl in the back yard with your dog. It probably won’t even take two days.

ALERT #3: To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

Sorry dear readers, but I just did not have time to carry out this experiment. Oh sure, I can drink a can of coke for science; but I simply do not have time to sit my “real thing” on the toilet for one hour waiting for the Coke to make it through my personal plumbing into my nonpersonal plumbing when I can clean my toilet with a squirt of Pine sol and a scrub brush in about one minute. And to debunk another myth: no one has “vitreous” china any more. There has been a vaccine for that since the 60’s. 




ALERT #4: To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

This requires a list with hollow point bullets


• Ladies, I suggest, that to save your marriage, you try this on a neighbor's car
• The middle of the night would be good
• Pick a neighbors car that does not have a car alarm
• Be prepared for the same sensation you get when chewing on tinfoil
• Let’s face it, rust spots are not worth this kind of agony…even for the sake of science.




ALERT #5: Clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.


I hung around the parking lot of Auto Zone for three hours, volunteering to bubble away corrosion FREE OF CHARGE for a dozen people who were obviously corroded in more ways than one. This is just a sample conversation.


Me: I see you’re having battery trouble.


Corroded Person: Huh?


Me: I can clean the corrosion on your battery terminals for you.


Corroded Person: Huh?


Me: I’ll do it for free if you’ll buy me some Coke.


Corroded Person: I ain’t fallin for that bullcrap. I’m on probation, and you ain’t foolin me with any of them intrampment-type techniques.


Me: Huh?


Sorry, but I'm all worn out from busting myths.  I think I'll go relax,  drink a Diet Coke and bleach some calcium out of my bones.

Myths are Busting Out All Over

A health alert has come to my attention regarding the consumption of Coke, otherwise known as the adult beverage of the chronically sober. It was, to understate it, ALARMING! 

Because I know so many of you, my dear readers imbibe in this bubbly brown beverage with carefree abandon; I have taken it upon myself to ALERT you and test out these ALARMING Coca Cola facts in my state of the art home laboratory.

Myth #1: In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


 
I have an expert in the family for this one, since my brother-in-law is a DPS officer. He was actually born a DPS officer, coming out of the birth canal in tiny little aviator sunglasses.


Me: Hi Keith, can I ask you an important question?


Keith: That depends


Me: On what?


Keith: On whether you are trying to convince me to get you out of another ticket.


Me: Oh you silly…as if. (nervous laughter) Actually, I want to know what you’ve got in the trunk of your patrol car.


Keith: You mean besides the 43 baggies of pot I just confiscated from a Suburban full of snowboarders?


Me: Yeah, besides that. Do highway patrol officers carry two gallons of coke in their trunk to remove blood from the highway?

Keith: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. You kill me Laraine. No one sells gallons of coke. We carry two liters of coke in our trunks.


Me: (Stunned) …You mean it is true?


Keith: Sure, we all carry Coke, but it isn’t to get blood off the highway. We carry organic apple juice with no artificial sweeteners purchased wholesale at Whole Foods Market to clean up the blood.


Me: Oh. What do you do with the Coke?


Keith: Duh, we drink it. What is wrong with you? You better come over so I can check your pupil dilation.


Stay tuned for more results from my Coke laboratory experiments.  I will resume testing as soon as I run to the store for more supplies.


CORRECTION:  Keith informs me he was born by cesarean section and came complete with aviators and in full uniform.

Cranial Canoeing

Time to crawl into Laraine’s ear canal, burrow through the earwax and paddle around the cerebral fluid in her cranium in a little canoe while collecting her wispy little wonderings with a butterfly net.

 Who would be a better babysitter?




 The Mad Hatter

Or

 Jack Sparrow?

 

Is American Idol 

making 

Americans idle?

 




How many times a day does 

Rahm Emanuel tell Obama

"You are sooooo good looking”?

Is the opposition organization to “Locks of Love” 

“Locks of Hate”? 

And can I offer them a two pound donation 

that I fished out of my bathtub drain with a crochet hook?

Is it ever too early to learn the lesson that life isn’t fair?

Red Carpet Retort

I am still groggy from a sleepless night attending post Academy Award Parties.  Although I was not invited to Elton's John pretentious soiree, I did have a cornucopia of choices, including:

• The Waste Management Wingding at In-N-Out
• Fight Night + Celery Sticks  hosted by Naomi Campbell
• Bring Your Own Sack Lunch to the Park hosted by the long suffering "House Cleaning to the Stars" Union.

But let's get down to the real reason Hollywood stars exist, to show us poor folk what we should be wearin' to Kmart.  There was a lot to learn this year.

J Lo came prepared with a semi-attached white snuggy 

in case the theater was too chilly

Someone forgot to tell this guy that he should be 

trying for "bedhead" not "sleeping-bag head"

Everyone tried to crowd in for a picture with

the pregnant woman because, hey, you always

look skinny next to someone who is due tomorrow.

Charlize commits her first fashion faux pas 

when she vastly overestimates her cup size.

Nothing accessorizes like a vintage George Clooney.

Michelle Obama called Monique and

challenged her to an arm wrestle in the Rose Garden

Now we know who used all 

the toilet paper in the ladies room

Ed Asner always brings his favorite date...

his eyebrows

It was nice to meet Edward Cullen's cousin Howard

Now that Avatar has made a few bucks,

maybe James Cameron can afford to feed his wife

Uh... the Gothic Gala is two blocks south

Aunt Betty and Uncle Eugene successfully

crashed another Academy Awards.  

You go guys!

This is what is known as an "awkward Ellen" moment

No, you're not paranoid.

Someone is following you.

Someone must have lost a bet

What you get when you put 

a tablecloth, 3 scarves, and wrestling shoes in a blender

All photos found here

Larainy's Book Club

Let's start out slowly shall we?  We don't want to dive in the deep end with authors like Aristotle or Tolstoi or Danielle Steele because we all know you did not eat brain food for breakfast.  You ate Cocoa Puffs followed by a Diet Coke and then 3 Girl Scout Thin Mints pilfered from your hiding place in back of the tub of flax that your mother-in-law gave you to improve your family's health.  You are not ready for a cerebral discussion.


Let us ease gently into the world of literature, learning from each other.  I'll go first, imparting to you, dear reader, some of the gems of wisdom I obtained from classic children's books.

Saying goodnight to everything in your bedroom, 

 is a effective stalling technique 

(Don't forget to include body parts!)

If you hire a pig as a contractor, 

you have a 66.6% chance that your house won’t last a week.

• Cats are evil, especially those that walk around naked except for bow ties and tall hats. 

• If you have a chemical spill, hire Thing One and Thing Two

Don't buy a motorcycle until you know if...

"she has good balance on a rough road,"  
because then you will have

"a mighty fine machine" 

Forget reading this one, it will give you a headache.

Go see the movie, it has Johnny Depp in it.

Sending your rotten kid to bed without supper 

can lead to development of a very lucrative movie deal

 Dogs are good and will protect you from wild pigs

that want to build you a house

Nothing induces wild soggy sobbing like
a dead hound dog lying on the grave of
another dead hound dog

Before and After

BEFORE

  

AFTER

 

 

Chile vs. chili

Don't you think it's weird that after the big earthquake in Chile, suddenly all the reporters have started calling it

CHEE-LAY

as if sympathetic pronunciation is going to help?

Kid tested/Mother approved

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