Starting the Second Term Off With a Bang

I can't believe you're up already! 

Aren't you exhausted from all the inauguration festivities?  Oh, you weren't invited?  

Well neither was I but that is not going to keep me from giving you 

the inside scoop of gossip flavored ice cream 

with fibs sprinkled liberally on top.

 

 It all started out with a bang, 

specifically the ones on Michelle Obama's forehead.  

Her hair received so much national press 

that President Obama immediately issued 

this executive order as part of his gun control initiative:

Heretofore the first lady shall be said to possess  

"wisps or tendrils"  

instead of 

"bangs" 

which have an unfortunate violent connotation.

Prior to singing the National Anthem, the first lady instructs Beyonce to stay away from her man or she will find out what "the rockets red glare" looks like coming out from under her fake eyelashes




Kelly Clarkson belted "My Country Tis of Thee" while the supreme court justices, led by Antonin Scalia in a Renaissance cap made of black velvet scowled appreciatively.

 Sasha and Malia asserted their independence at the Inaugural luncheon when they refused to eat "hickory grilled bison with wild huckleberry reduction sauce"

Sasha, the resourceful older sister pulled out two contraband twinkies from her specially insulated purse and the girls nibbled away during the boring toasts.

President and Mrs. Obama walked parts of the parade route while the secret service threw healthy candy made of tofu for the youngsters in the crowd

 And finally the eventful day was capped off by the President and Mrs. Obama scurrying around to tango at as many inaugural balls as they could it too.  These included:

• The Global Warming Ball , which was held outside on the Capitol Mall due to global warming
• The NRA Hootenanny Square Dance (in the spirit of bipartisanship)
• The  Uncle Joe Biden Disco Sleepover
• The Windfarmers Cotillion

Today, it's back to work, so hold on to your wallet!

The Countess on the Carpet

Today Larainy is so pleased to have Dowager* Countess Violet Grantham of Downton Abby fame as a guest fashion commentator.  The Golden Globes took place on Sunday past and Lady Grantham had plenty of opinions about American formal wear.  The interview took place by telegraph because, duh, the Countess doesn't have a mobile phone.

*dowager: a lady of advanced age who is able to use her acerbic wit to full advantage without consequences

Larainy:  Countess, I'm so pleased to welcome you to Larainy Days.  May I call you Violet?

Countess:  Absolutely not.

Larainy: I don't suppose you are a regular reader?

Countess:  Oh heavens no.  I've quite enough my fill of scandal from the London papers.

Larainy:  I'll show you a celebrity, and you give us your opinion, okay?

Countess:  Let's get on with this shall we, I always have a lie down before tea.

"If this young lady had a proper fitting she wouldn't have to wait for her bosom to grow into her dress"

"Her hair puts me in mind of a border collie I saw working a herd of sheep in the north of England on a dreadfully windy day."

"Evening gowns are not meant to be constructed of the same fabric one uses to cover the drawing room divan."

"Now there's a tasteful gown.  She is obviously not American."

"If a gentleman wants to appear manly, he should choose a lady companion that does not make him appear a dwarf." 

"A fleshy arrow pointing at one's private parts is the height of bad taste."

"This gentleman's dour countenance makes it extremely obvious that this couple had a marital spat prior to arriving and that the lady won."

"In my day one used tissue paper to wrap gifts, not partially drape ones torso."

"It appears that this is another example of a couple involved in a domestic disturbance prior to the event.  The gentleman seems to have strained his hair-pulling arm, but not before he did a substantial amount of damage"










Larainy:  Thank you so much Countess.  Be sure and watch the mail for your thank you gift, a $.50 off coupon for a crunchwrap supreme at Taco Bell.

Countess:  I'll be counting the hours.

All the News That is Not Fit to Print

Eddington Family

Christmas Letter

2012 

After Mitt Romney lost the Presidential election, we spent two boring weeks in our homemade fallout shelter eating pork 'n beans out of the can, staring at the Mayan calendar and waiting for the world to end.  When we surfaced to check out our cat snare, we found out that everything looked surprisingly normal, so we went to QT and bought celebratory soda pops.  Since we're still alive, it's time to pass on the family news just one last time.

Rachael and Damon finally came to their senses and moved closer to free babysitting.  Their exodus from Texas to a lovely home just five minutes away from us still has us waking up singing Zippedee Doo Da.  Nearly every day we get to watch Zoey turning cartwheels on the lawn, hear Liam's latest obscure factoid about vampire squid or see little Josslynn's newly minted bowlegged running skills as she chases down the dog.  It's heavenly.

Cody and Breaelle continue the scholarly life at BYU while Cody finishes up his last year learning to communicate and publicly relate to others for profit. They spent the summer in Denver again and Cody sold more pest control contracts than there are pests, the mark of a true salesman.  He can't wait to graduate so he can have more time to control the fish population one cast at a time.  Breaelle can't wait for Cody to graduate so he will have less time to fish.  Brylinn has her own Barbie fishing pole and she knows that as long as there are fish, her daddy will make the time.

Max spent the summer in Alaska driving tour buses for a Cruise Line.  Objectives: dodge the moose, charm the tourists out of big tips, hike tall mountains and make wonderful friends.  He put us into a jealous frenzy sending weekly pictures that all looked like screen savers while we were suffering through another desert sizzler.  He is heading up to the University of Utah in January, transferring from BYU (which I didn't even know was legal).

 

Joey has been serving in the Utah, Ogden Mission since June and it is just as exotic as he though it would be.  His first zone consisted of 2 Canadians, 1 Native American, 1 Norwegian, 1 New Zealander, 1 Guatemalan, 1 Samoan, 1 South Korean and a British missionary with Elder Eddington serving as the token American.  He loves the people, the amphibians and preaching the gospel in the Wasatch language as only "The Joey" can.

 

Corinn is taking her last child in the family duties seriously as she demands mani/pedis every Thursday and organic corn nubbins overnighted from Iowa for her pet duck.  She divides her time between a Nurse Assistant Certification course and the rest of her senior classes at Mr. View.  When she graduates in May she will be eligible to both change adult diapers and go on to college, where she plans to become an RN so she can boss around her own CNA.

 

Darn, I'm all out of room so I can't post a photo of Mark and I.  Just take my word for it, we still look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...without the tattoos.  However, now that Mark isn't Bishop anymore, he has been seriously considering getting a tasteful tattoo of me in my Zumba-tard emblazoned on his left bicep.  (Either that or the one of me planking in my snuggie.)

 

Here's wishing you days that are merry and bright

and nights that are warm and snuggly!

 

I've Got Teeth, I Want Something Else For Christmas

I have had a flood of emails, voice messages and texts from faithful Larainy readers wondering what in the whole wide world I would like for Christmas this year.  Okay, so that isn't really true but some of you just might be needing a gentle nudge in the right direction. 

Since I am incapable of gentle nudges, I am hereby declaring what I DON'T want for Christmas.

Precious fiveheads (a size larger than foreheads) 

preserved in porcelain

Another bacon ornament

Anything by Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Trite

(Did you know that when Thomas died 

and went to heaven he was disappointed?)

 

 

 Eau de Sea Turtle Parfum

 

 Eyebrow extensions

 This weeks Groupon deals, including

86% off colon hydrotherapy

 But...

if you can get your hands on this little beauty,

you will be my friend for life.  

Nothing brings Christmas cheer like

Lorne Greene crooning "Merry Christmas Neighbor"

in a leather vest and cowboy hat

Ahhhhh! I love the smell of the Ponderosa in winter!

 

Good Morning Moon

 The silly moon forgot to disappear this morning,

just hung around like a Christmas ornament 

waiting to hang on our orange tree

 Since I was up annoyingly early I took a hike.

 The trail was littered with counter top material

and some of my fellow hikers had excessively hairy legs

Don't worry, I didn't have a heart attack

Look at the moss on the rocks in the background.

In Arizona, we take our green anyway we can get it.

Aren't You Glad You Saved Your Hammer Pants?

I can't believe you missed last night's 

star-studded extravaganza of self-congratulatory coolness 

known as the 59th award show of the year 

or the American Music Awards. 

In an ironic twist, the best number of the night

was by Korean pop star, PSY.

This guy brings out the middle schooler in all of us
I dare you not to dance to this.

I am totally gangnam stylin after my husband is gone to work.

Smell Like a General in Private

The U.S. news is a daily deluge of details about General David Petraeus' affair and General John Allen's scandalous, voluminous flirty emails with a Washington D.C. "socialite".  In case you don't hang around with rich folk, let me explain that a "socialite" is a woman who  -

• socializes at parties and only drinks "lite" beverages so as to maintain an  acceptable "socialite" weight of under 120 lbs 
• has legs and armpits completely deforested by lasers
• requires a $1000 gown to attend a charity event raising money for naked children in third world countries

image found here

Now, as you can see, Petraeus is okay, but he is hardly the sort of Hunky Hank that would cause you to crash your shopping cart into a tower of tomato soup cans or stare without blinking until your eyelids are dried open.  In fact, the guys seems rather ordinary except for all those colorful barrettes on his uniform.

Always one to take advantage of a trend,

and

just in time for holiday shopping, 

 may I introduce 

Larainy's new fragrance

Betray-us

For times when you want to smell

like a General in Private

 

Betray-us is an earthy fragrance,

combining a bass note of old army rifle

with the subtle tinge of an Afghan poppy

and the pheromones of a sweaty uniform

overladen with the nostalgic waft of gunpowder residue

and a hint of cinnamon

No woman can resist it.

Just ask these two

Coming soon...camouflage pajamas!