Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Bust Out the Slanket

Alright, I admit it.  I climbed back in my blanket fort and ditched the gym, but people it is 34 degrees in Mesa, Arizona!  If mother nature shaves off another couple degrees, the emergency sirens are going to start blaring and all the snowbirds from Canada are going to demand refunds from their trailer park associations because they can't wear the plaid bermuda shorts that match their Hawaiian shirts.

We've had several cloudy, rainy days and even got a rainbow out of the deal.  Yesterday there was even snow on some Saguaro cactus and they are complaining to their union representative, Ed Prickley.  Sunday brought a foggy morning that had us totally befuddled.  Dust storms we Arizonans know how to handle, but fog has us speaking like Madonna with fake British accents and drinking herbal tea.

Last night I decked the halls with my decorative Christmas sheets so my flowers wouldn't die.

Seriously, I know I shouldn't complain, and yet I do, because I find if you're happy all the time, people tend to mistrust you.  I was very disillusioned when my children told me that they really hated the soothing, kind voice I used over the years to wake them up in the morning for school.  I should have blasted an air horn and called it like it is..."That Stinky Time of Day When You Have to Roll Out of Your Cocoon, Fight For Bathroom Time, Eat Your Cream of Wheat and Go to School". 
Now we're down to one lone child at home and she (usually) wakes up on her own, perhaps to avoid the soothing kind motherly voice of doom.   Last Saturday was Winter Formal and she looked beautiful.
And now it's time to write the annual Christmas letter.  I wrote the first one 17 years ago as a protest against all the over achieving letters we received.  It began like this...

What a boring year it has been!  How to fill the empty hours!  What a struggle we have had trying to keep ourselves occupied.  It is so embarrassing to have to come up with any news to report.  We have simply laid around since last Christmas!

I suppose it all began with the purchase of those seven Lazy Boy recliners.  A sort of lethargic peace settled over us all as we sat, vegetating, gazing hour after blissful hour at the television.  Oh, we roused occasionally to pop a microwave dinner in, but all in all we really were functioning at our lowest metabolic rate.  Our blood pressures plummeted.  We have never felt so rested.

And every year since I have produced a scintillating work of fiction about family exploits.  The husband and kids are always rather frightened to read about what they've been doing.


Maybe if I wrap myself in my holiday slanket I can force my frostbitten fingers to peck the keyboard.



Karli said...

I've gotta say, I completely agree with your kids. There are few things more irritating in the morning than a soft, sweet voice telling me it's time to get up. I'd much rather have an obnoxious alarm clock. Or better yet, just let me sleep! I hope AZ decides to warm up by the time I come home next Thursday!

Sue said...

What I wouldn't give to read your family Christmas card. I'll bet it is a riot!

Your daughter is gorgeous, and that dress is absolutely darling.


PS. Can't believe your weather! What a departure, huh?

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Hahaha! Your Christmas letters are undoubtedly awaited with enthusiasm by the recipients. So funny!

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

I want to be on your card list! Hilarious and just the right antidote for the "other" kind.
Your daughter looks beautiful!
And, oh, it was 40 degrees this morning at Venice Beach in LA. Brrrr. No barefoot walk for me.

Roean said...

Ha! My Christmas letter would start...."Dear...uhhh...uhhhmm...who was I writing to now and what is this for?? You're good to put up lights and pretty things. If you go past the townhouses and look at mine, it'll be dark. :((

just call me jo said...

Slanket, huh? I hadn't heard of those. The daughter's dress is perfect. Just perfect. I think I'll write a understated Christmas house too. That's how I roll--from one bland banality to another. Why sugar coat it? 2012 shall be the year of truth telling--I think it's my motto for the new year.

Cherie said...

We have a Slanket - did you know they were around before the Snuggie - The Snuggie is the knock-off - Who woulda thunk it!

Your Christmas letter sounds like a riot. I would much rather read that and have a good laugh than some of the drivel that shows up in our mailbox - Ha!

Have a cup of Hot Chocolate and stay warm!

Pondside said...

Slanket??? It sounds quite unsavoury!
Please, please, put me on your Christmas letter list!

Holly said...

Lazyboys and slankets sound devine. Just went to goodwill and purchased 10 sheets. We managed to put them on night before last and then last night ran out of steam and hubby refused to get back out of bed to put them on. Whatever! Did I read that right? Is Jo having a year of truth!!??? Oh LOrd help us all!!

joanne fox said...

Ohh what a snuggly slanket! Love the colour. I've just bought some fingerless gloves for winter typing purposes.

Dixie Mom said...

I'd say after a snow spell like you've had you deserve a nice long nap in those seven recliners.

Beautiful girl by the way....her dress is stunning!

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

I hope it warms up soon for ya. Your daughter is indeed beautiful and looks so happy.

I'm thinking that Lazy Boys are the way to go, but we'll make do with our comfy couch and love seat for now.

Take care,

Kathy M.

Emily Widdison said...

Love those Christmas letters, never stop!

She looks beautiful!! I can't believe she is almost grown up!

Marti said...

I'm a grump in the morning. Always have been. I think I could have taken soft and soothing over cheerful. If I had had the energy as a child, I think I would have liked to slap the cheerful off everyone in the morning.

Love your Christmas letter. It sums up our year, every year. I'd copy it but I'm too lazy to go to Kinkos to photocopy the letter, and too cheap to buy stamps.

MTeacress said...

That's a beautiful dress! Where did she find it? I hope she has/had fun. :)