It's really sad to see the kind of messes you people get into without my guidance. I've heard some horrifical stories involving wearing socks with sandals, vacationing in Branson, Missouri and eating 3 lbs. of clam dip at one sitting.
Here to save you from yourselves, once again I offer guidance from the galaxy in the form of a
Aries (the wind)
Watching 14 hours of Olympic gymnastics coverage does not imbue your tired old body with elastic capabilities. Do not try the ottoman vault you have been contemplating or orthopedic treatment will be inevitable.
Taurus (the car)
The money you think you will soon inherit is actually sewn up in a trust for Li Li, an obese and temperamental cat. Don't buy the boat!
Gemini (the spaceship)
You are misinterpreting your recurring dream about Batman. You need to quit emailing Christian Bale and consider reroofing. A surprise awaits you in the attic.
Cancer (the tropic)
It is high time to drop the "I never shop at Walmart" pretense. Your neighbors recognize you even with the wig and raincoat.
Two words: new deodorant.
Virgo (the dizzy)
Screaming at the TV during campaign commercials and burning campaign mailers in a gigantic pile on your front lawn does not prove your patriotism. You need to register to vote.
Scorpio (the venomous)
Now is the time to make your movie musical pitch for that screenplay/score you've been writing; the rollicking but tender "Alice Cooper: My Grandmother Was a Cherokee Princess"
Sagittarius (the droopy)
Sixteen is your number. Unless you're anemic, then your number is three. Unless your cholesterol is high, then your number is 451.
Capricorn (the vegetable)
No one is ever going to want the dog hair you have been saving in old pillowcases in the basement, even though it would make a fine sweater. Your stars signal dire fire hazard issues!
Aquarius (the fishtank)
Romance is in the air! Unfortunately, you don't have a plane ticket.
Pisces (the formula)
This is not a good time to make important decisions. Put off the "paper vs. plastic" conundrum until you have a clear head.