Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Larainy Horrorscope: Guidance from the Galaxy

It's really sad to see the kind of messes you people get into without my guidance.  I've heard some horrifical stories involving wearing socks with sandals, vacationing in Branson, Missouri and eating 3 lbs. of clam dip at one sitting.

Here to save you from yourselves, once again I offer guidance from the galaxy in the form of a

 Larainy Horrorscope

Aries (the wind)
Watching 14 hours of Olympic gymnastics coverage does not imbue your tired old body with elastic capabilities.  Do not try the ottoman vault you have been contemplating or orthopedic treatment will be inevitable.
Taurus (the car)
The money you think you will soon inherit is actually sewn up in a trust for Li Li, an obese and temperamental  cat.  Don't buy the boat! 

Gemini (the spaceship)
You are misinterpreting your recurring dream about Batman.  You need to quit emailing Christian Bale and consider reroofing.  A surprise awaits you in the attic.

Cancer (the tropic)
 It is high time to drop the "I never shop at Walmart" pretense.  Your neighbors recognize you even with the wig and raincoat.

Leo (Tolstoy)
Two words: new deodorant.

Virgo (the dizzy)
Screaming at the TV during campaign commercials and burning campaign mailers in a gigantic pile on your front lawn does not prove your patriotism.  You need to register to vote.

Scorpio (the venomous)
Now is the time to make your movie musical pitch for that screenplay/score you've been writing; the rollicking but tender "Alice Cooper: My Grandmother Was a Cherokee Princess"

Sagittarius (the droopy)
Sixteen is your number.  Unless you're anemic, then your number is three.  Unless your cholesterol is high, then your number is 451.

Capricorn (the vegetable)
No one is ever going to want the dog hair you have been saving in old pillowcases in the basement, even though it would make a fine sweater.  Your stars signal dire fire hazard issues!

Aquarius (the fishtank)
Romance is in the air!  Unfortunately, you don't have a plane ticket.

Pisces  (the formula)
This is not a good time to make important decisions.  Put off the "paper vs. plastic" conundrum until you have a clear head.


Anonymous said...

I really don't think this is very funny. Some of us receive a lot of guidance through our serious study of the stars. Maybe you should try it :D. Peace

RoeH said...

Awwwwww --- I see a sense of humor is needed somewhere. Your post is funny and a lot of fun as usual. I'm coming over and pick your brain for post ideas. :))

RoeH said...

Uh-oh - I see a sense of humor is needed somewhere. Your post is funny and perfect as usual. I'm coming over to your house and pick your brain for posts. We'll pop popcorn and stay up till midnight. Bwahahaha!

Sue said...

There you go again, annoying horoscopers all over the world. Or the blogiverse, at least.


Bev said...

And I was enlightened as well. No one else had the nerve to tell me that I need new deodorant. It's a shame when you have to rely on imaginary friends in cyberspace to tell you these things. :)

Anonymous said...

Sagittarius - that's me -- and I am sagging or in your words (droopy).. funny funny,,but my cholesterol is lower then that (__)
wink - thanks for the insight! ha..

jen said...

Thanks for the tip. Since Secret has changed their formula yet again I'm sturggling with wetness control and had hope no one noticed. Yet again you've proved me wrong.

And saw your bro during the Olympics last night. Good commercial. Good guy. Good luck.

Pondside said...

Taurus here - I wanted a boat, but it was going to be a stretch, so it's good to know I shouldn't be contemplating it any longer. As for the money - I'm still hoping, and looking for a Hit Man to take care of Li Li.

The Great Dane is a Capricorn and I have been trying for years to get him to dump that sac of hair. Thank you for your help!

Melynda said...

These are a hoot! Your right I am still fighting about the paper vs plastic issue in my household. I think I should go with paper however, but now with your guidance will wait to make the important decision.....note to anonymous, it is a joke, go with it! Smile!

MissGreenEyes said...

I agree with anonymous. I mean I've been in the attic six times today and Christian Bale is not up there.

That's what you meant, right?