Sunday, September 2, 2012

Children: The Pride Cure

 Yesterday my 5 year old grandson was lying across my lap on the couch and he looked up lovingly and said,
"Grandma, why is your neck so wrinkly?"

While Liam was writing
My grandma's neck is not wrinkly, I must need glasses

500 times and washing all my windows, I thought about pride, which is the universal sin (common to everyone but me of course).  

Children begin the laborious process of stripping us of pride from the moment we conceive. 

Pregnancy:  The fun girl that could stay up all night is replaced by a boring whiner who falls asleep over a meal of saltines and snores.

Newborn: The lithe body that once sported the long lean muscle of a porsche with flirty curves has been replaced by the pudgy shape of a Dodge Minivan with an exhaust problem.

Toddler: While your neighbors little darling has mastered bladder/sphincter control since the age of 14 months, your 3 year old responds to repeated attempts at potty training by flushing his spiderman underwear down the toilet, cutting out Pampers coupons with his safety scissors and magneting them to the fridge.

Kindergartener:  You get the glare of death from your favorite grocery store manager because you didn't notice that your little iron chef has torn open the 5 lb. hamburger package and left a trail of meatballs down every aisle.  You are too embarrassed to redeem $50 worth of coupons you spent 2 days collecting.

Grade schooler: Your babysitter abruptly begins refusing further jobs, muttering something about your child's ability to levitate out of bed at night and the need for an exorcism.

Middle schooler: When you call your child's Algebra teacher to inquire about a failing grade, she asks you sympathetically how life is on the "outside" and whether you have a sympathetic parole officer.

High schooler: You find that your daughter has won first place in spirit points, wearing your favorite outfit for "Geek Day".

With five kids mostly raised, I can still find a few scraps of pride hanging in tatters from my wrinkly frame, but I'm counting on the grandkids to take care of them.


Dixie Mom said...

You had me laughing out loud here. I remember when my kids were really little, they were actually afraid of my Dad...their grandpa. Because of his white crazy hair, wrinkles, nose hair...all those things that seem scary to little kids when they aren't familiar with the aged. lol.
I think the grade school exorcism thing applies to all ages...

RoeH said...

I could not agree more if I were right they writing this with you. My granddaughter went with her mother one day while I was back there and told her mother ---- Grandma is LOTS bigger than you are! Little brat. Just wait till Christmas little darlin'. :)

RoeH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SherilinR said...

oh my goodness, YES! my daughter regularly points out my bulbous chin, wrinkled belly and pimples.
sigh. my pride is no more.

Anonymous said...

very Good blog Thank you!

Sue said...

Funny AND factual.


Lisa Ricard Claro said...

HAHAHAHA.....My defining moment was when my son, then 8 (now 30) wanted to know why my legs jiggle when I walk up the stairs. I told him it was because I traded firm thighs for him so he better be nice or I might decide I missed my old thighs, the ones that didn't jiggle. He never commented about it again. Smart boy. Ha.

Anonymous said...

My five-year old grandson asked me it that was my picture on the Kindle. I looked over his shoulder and saw Mark Twain, frizzy hair and mustache.

Melynda said...

Whoa Nellie! True and funny, as always.

MissGreenEyes said...

My 8 year old is as blunt as a spoon. He once pointed at a picture of me and said 'That girl looks like you, only with a skinnier face'. He also roared out 'What the f*** is he talking about?' when we passed a couple speaking a different language in the supermarket. He also had a crying fit because he saw a man with rather prominent teeth and thought he was going to eat him. Also, the now infamous 'Hi Uncle John. My Daddy called you a ******. What's a *****?' - kill me.

Y'know what? I reckon they ALL flush their underwear down the toilet. It's just that nobody admits it.

Robyn said...

O my gosh that was hysterical. God bless Liam for his innocence. .LOL

MTeacress said...

I hope nobody actually got him those new glasses. ;)