Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Ribbon Roping


I bet the thing you are missing most about the Olympics
 are those flexible girls twirling leftover New Year's Eve decorations. 

 I know I am.
As a little girl,
I can remember flinging myself around the living room 
in the flouncy white slip that I usually only wore on Sundays.

I always imagined that I looked as graceful as these
lithe little ribbon skippers.

In fact, I crashed into the furniture with regularity
and never went a day without a scabby patch or giant bruise
on my skinny knobby legs.

I wore them like olympic medals.


 
This poor girl obviously never had anyone to jump rope with.
But she invented her own little game 
and by Jiminy,
it took her all the way to the Olympics! 


I never did use a ball in my childhood routines.
My brothers would have killed me for using their good basketball 
and besides, it was usually a little on the flat side from the bullhead stickers
picked up on the dirt court where they shot baskets 
into the net nailed to the side of the barn.

If I'd only had a leotard
I could have been a contender.






Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Gospel According to Liam


This is the handsome five-year-old man in my life.  
He started kindergarten today.

He is an animal lover 
and a great story-teller.

I especially enjoyed his retelling 
of one of Jesus' most moving miracles.  
It is found in the 17th chapter of Luke.

This is how Liam heard in in Sunday School.


One time a long time ago there were ten leopards. 
They wanted to be human. 
They found Jesus and he turned them human. 
 The leopards were really happy to be human. 
Then only one leopard came back to say thank you to Jesus. 
He was a really good leopard.


 

 Amen, Liam.  Amen

Monday, August 6, 2012

Headless Gymnastics: and Other Obscure Olympic Sports


There has been a goodly amount of grousing at my house during ye old Olympic Games. We have found countless hours of swimming and bikini volleyball, but nary a second of pretty plus weightlifting. 
image found here

NBC picks their pets and devotes hour after hour of coverage to them, completely ignoring the thrill of victory and agony of defeat in dozens of worthy sports.

For example. I bet you didn't see the moment that this ping pong ball was hit with such force it imbedded itself into an unfortunate athletic forehead and had to be removed with official olympic tweezers


And then there are the tangle sports.  There is nothing more exciting than watching a big crazy tangle of athletes, whether it is on the mat or in the water.  The tangle sports have been criminally ignored.



Here is a partial list of what else you have been missing.

  • Melon Juggling  (Gold medal went to a Portugal farm boy with extraordinarily large hands
  • Speed Mall Walking (Gold medal went to blue haired team from Pensacola Florida)
  • Wine Tasting (Duh, France wins gold for the zillionth time in a row)
  • Blood Letting (In this most ancient of sports, the Transylvanian team narrowly pulls off the gold medal win.  The upstart team from Forks, Washington, USA takes silver)
  • Jello Moulding (USA takes home the gold in the well manicured hands of a motherly team from Utah
  • Sand Sculpting (A first ever tie for the gold medal between Dubai and Kuwait) 
  • Infidel Insults (Iran wins again with a string of invective that singed the beard of the judge from Sweden)
  • Headless Gymnastics (China takes gold, silver and bronze)



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Larainy Horrorscope: Guidance from the Galaxy


It's really sad to see the kind of messes you people get into without my guidance.  I've heard some horrifical stories involving wearing socks with sandals, vacationing in Branson, Missouri and eating 3 lbs. of clam dip at one sitting.

Here to save you from yourselves, once again I offer guidance from the galaxy in the form of a

 Larainy Horrorscope

Aries (the wind)
Watching 14 hours of Olympic gymnastics coverage does not imbue your tired old body with elastic capabilities.  Do not try the ottoman vault you have been contemplating or orthopedic treatment will be inevitable.
 
Taurus (the car)
The money you think you will soon inherit is actually sewn up in a trust for Li Li, an obese and temperamental  cat.  Don't buy the boat! 
 



Gemini (the spaceship)
You are misinterpreting your recurring dream about Batman.  You need to quit emailing Christian Bale and consider reroofing.  A surprise awaits you in the attic.


Cancer (the tropic)
 It is high time to drop the "I never shop at Walmart" pretense.  Your neighbors recognize you even with the wig and raincoat.

Leo (Tolstoy)
Two words: new deodorant.

Virgo (the dizzy)
Screaming at the TV during campaign commercials and burning campaign mailers in a gigantic pile on your front lawn does not prove your patriotism.  You need to register to vote.

Scorpio (the venomous)
Now is the time to make your movie musical pitch for that screenplay/score you've been writing; the rollicking but tender "Alice Cooper: My Grandmother Was a Cherokee Princess"

Sagittarius (the droopy)
Sixteen is your number.  Unless you're anemic, then your number is three.  Unless your cholesterol is high, then your number is 451.

Capricorn (the vegetable)
No one is ever going to want the dog hair you have been saving in old pillowcases in the basement, even though it would make a fine sweater.  Your stars signal dire fire hazard issues!

Aquarius (the fishtank)
Romance is in the air!  Unfortunately, you don't have a plane ticket.

Pisces  (the formula)
This is not a good time to make important decisions.  Put off the "paper vs. plastic" conundrum until you have a clear head.