• Don’t sing along with the national anthem in your Bee Gee voice
• When someone asks you who you are for, don’t say “Team Edward”
• Don’t mute the commercials so you can tell everyone about your hernia operation
• Don’t clip your toenails and put them in a little pile next to the guacamole
• If you are hosting, don’t make everyone chip in for your utility bill
• If you’re a guest, don’t tie up the facilities by taking a bubble bath during half time.
• When a sensational play is made, don’t launch into long story about your Pop Warner glory days
• Quit expressing admiration for Usama Young's hair extensions. We’re supposed to think they are natural.
• Don’t talk about the dream you had last night about John Madden—that is not what the fantasy football league is all about
• Don’t let your potbelly pig snuggle with your guests
• Don’t do a play by play in Howard Cosell’s voice—no one liked that voice when he was alive.
• Don’t show your ignorance by asking if Peyton Manning was named for New Orleans Saints Coach Sean Payton.
He is named Peyton because they pay-him-a-ton. Duh!
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