The Poisonfood Bible

Larainy Days has long been dedicated to disseminating life saving tips for clueless, careless readers like you.  I hear constantly, well not constantly... okay I have never heard from anyone whose life has been spared due to my safety tips, but that is probably just because some people are very thoughtless when it comes to saying thanks.  In spite of ingratitude, I shall press on and save countless lives today with

DON'T EAT THIS!

Don't eat eggs that contain salmonella.  Avoid any eggs exhibiting a salmon color or those sold by the man with the salmon complexion and prominent gills at the egg stand beside the algae filled pond in your neighborhood.

Don't eat anything that resembles a religious figure, especially if you can sell it for an enormous sum on ebay to the clueless but faithful

Don't eat anything that is currently reproducing, even if it is the only thing you have ever been able to grow.

Don't eat anything labeled "bad" by your grocery store's legal department

Don't eat any vegetable from which you can pull off threads to mend your clothing

Don't eat the homemade jerky sold by this family from the back of a rusted Chevy at the side of the highway next to a possum farm.