Gazing At Elizabeth's Navel

Miss Elizabeth Gilbert has changed a lot of lives and made a lot of women hungry for Italian food with her introspective book "Eat, Pray Love"*.  This book is so introspective that after reading it you have automatically qualified for a Doctorate in Elizabethan Gilbertology** at the University of Phoenix.

**Available for $99.99 in three easy installments, suitable for framing

Since you can't afford to take a year off, I would like to offer you, my dear readers, an abbreviated version of the Elizabethan journey.  In fact, it only takes a day and you don't need a passport and the psychic damage connected with obtaining a passport photo that doesn't look like you at all but like a distant relative with a haunting past and a bad haircut.  Plus, it will cost you less than a ticket to a boring movie.  (See above*)


First...                   

 EAT

Start out with a nice stack of blueberry pancakes and butter syrup, two slices of bacon and a tall beverage of your choice.  Then go back to your unmade bed and sleep for a while because whoa boy, pancakes sure can make you sleepy.  When you are suitably refreshed, you are ready for the next step

                              
 

PRAY

Sit on the floor in the kindergarten position; the one where you twist your legs into a pretzel shape because your teacher won't let you go to the bathroom until recess.  Now sit up straight, now relax, no, I said sit up straight, now relax, oh forget it just close your eyes and empty out your mind.  Imagine a tiny dustbuster sucking around inside your cranium, vacuuming out the earwax, memories of that time you threw up on Patty Sims in the grade school cafeteria, guilt about that...shhhluuuuup all those dusty thoughts are getting sucked into the miniature ...  Okay, so this is not going to work.  Get in your car and drive to the dollar store where you can buy 6 sticks of incense for $1.  Drive home, light one up, wave it around with your eyes closed until you can't stand it anymore, douse it in the sink and go take another nap.

                                   

LOVE 

Go call your mother and tell her you love her for teaching you to pull up your big girl panties and quit worrying about yourself.  Then go take another nap.