Thursday, August 19, 2010

Gazing At Elizabeth's Navel


Miss Elizabeth Gilbert has changed a lot of lives and made a lot of women hungry for Italian food with her introspective book "Eat, Pray Love"*.  This book is so introspective that after reading it you have automatically qualified for a Doctorate in Elizabethan Gilbertology** at the University of Phoenix.

**Available for $99.99 in three easy installments, suitable for framing

Since you can't afford to take a year off, I would like to offer you, my dear readers, an abbreviated version of the Elizabethan journey.  In fact, it only takes a day and you don't need a passport and the psychic damage connected with obtaining a passport photo that doesn't look like you at all but like a distant relative with a haunting past and a bad haircut.  Plus, it will cost you less than a ticket to a boring movie.  (See above*)


First...                   

 EAT

Start out with a nice stack of blueberry pancakes and butter syrup, two slices of bacon and a tall beverage of your choice.  Then go back to your unmade bed and sleep for a while because whoa boy, pancakes sure can make you sleepy.  When you are suitably refreshed, you are ready for the next step

                              
 






PRAY

Sit on the floor in the kindergarten position; the one where you twist your legs into a pretzel shape because your teacher won't let you go to the bathroom until recess.  Now sit up straight, now relax, no, I said sit up straight, now relax, oh forget it just close your eyes and empty out your mind.  Imagine a tiny dustbuster sucking around inside your cranium, vacuuming out the earwax, memories of that time you threw up on Patty Sims in the grade school cafeteria, guilt about that...shhhluuuuup all those dusty thoughts are getting sucked into the miniature ...  Okay, so this is not going to work.  Get in your car and drive to the dollar store where you can buy 6 sticks of incense for $1.  Drive home, light one up, wave it around with your eyes closed until you can't stand it anymore, douse it in the sink and go take another nap.

                                   
LOVE 

Go call your mother and tell her you love her for teaching you to pull up your big girl panties and quit worrying about yourself.  Then go take another nap.
  

13 comments:

Pondside said...

Thank you, thank you.
I tried - really - to read the book. Everyone raved about it and I was bored silly. My daughter treated me to the movie last night - same reaction. I think I napped through part of it, so it wasn't entirely time wasted.

Anna M said...

hear hear!

hiphousegirl said...

The book: boring beyond belief.

Your version: completely awesome. I'm taking a vacation day to do this.

Angela Henrie said...

TOTALLY disliked the movie. (HATE is such a strong word.) And what's even worse, I made my husband sit through it too. I like your short version MUCH, MUCH better!

Sue said...

PERFECT!

heehee

=)

karen said...

As usual, I'm the lone freak in the corner. Loved the book. And I'm going to see the movie tonight with my daughter in law. And I'm going to have a good time, so... *sticking fingers in ears* lalalalalalalala I can't hear you!

MT said...

People can't stop talking about this book/movie. I'll have to see what I think of it. ;)

Mr Monkey said...

Good version - funny

Mr Monkey

Jennifer said...

LOL!!!!!!

Jennifer said...

LOL!!!!!!

Jennifer said...

didn't know i laughed through two comments...that was an accident....

okay...so i live in this little world of little kids who watch public television so i had no idea that this book was really made into a movie (didn't see any commercials...and don't live close to a theater...) ANYHOW...I DID however watch the episode of Oprah that featured this author and wasn't not moved to buy it....

Dem, Mem and Them said...

Amen sista! Book stunk also! Gilbert, get over yourself! Ha!

Bev said...

Oh, my goodness! The movie was painfully boring. I am so thankful that I dragged a friend with me and not my long-suffering husband. The payback would have been unending.

We would have walked out when the PRAY part went on forever, but we weren't finished with our $11 popcorn.

Because I picked that idiotic movie, my friend gets to pick the next three.