Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ask Dr. Bogus

Ask Dr. Bogus: A Hypochondriac's Guide to Wellness: Part Two

 For our second segment, we turn to Dr. Bogus' helpful assistant, Veldon Krump.

Me:  Veldon, what makes you qualified to speak on behalf of Dr. Bogus?  Are you a highly trained Naturohomeohypopathic like he is?

Veldon:  Actually no, at this point in my internship I have only reached the "Naturohomeo" stage.  After an additional week of music therapy on anemic gerbils, I will qualify under the hypopathic section...if I pass the true or false quiz.

Me:  Impressive.  So Dr.-in-training-Krump, shall we get started with reader questions?

Veldon:  Just a moment while I take this call from my mother.

(One hour and three emotional outbursts later)

Veldon:  Where were we?  (blowing nose)

Me:  Let's start with a reader inquiry about hair loss.  What can be done to prevent it, or restore lost hair?

Veldon:  Uh, I would say...maybe you could.  (Scratching scalp through afro with a razor sharp fingernail).  Uh, I'll have to get back to you on that one.  Can't say that it's ever been a problem for me and Dr. Bogus.

Me:  Next question, and it is multisymptomatic.  What is the cure for general lethargy, inertia and skin tags?

Veldon:  Oh golly, now that is a fat softball pitch if I ever saw one.  The cure to all three conditions is diet coke.  Injesting 44 ozs. of the aforementioned liquid will cure the lethargy and inertia and soaking the skin tag area in the aforementioned liquid will dissolve a problem skin tag after only three half hour treatments.

Me:  Any tips about general dental health?

Veldon:  Don't lose your baby teeth.  You'll never be that cute again.

Me:  And finally, is there any cure for bad dreams that will also promote weight loss?

Veldon:  I find that going to the bathroom generally solves both problems.  Now if you'll excuse me,  Mother needs her feet rubbed.

Veldon and his Mother can also be found here


Pondside said...

Diet coke - I love those old-fashioned, natural remedies made with wholesome ingredients found around the house.

Joanne Fox said...

Diet Coke - bleurgh! I really prefer the full sugar, full fat, full cholesterol versions of practically everything!

Sue said...

His mother must be proud!


Anonymous said...

Going to the bathroom- OF COURSE! That's why he's the doctor and I'm the lowly peon. Or however you spell that.