Horrorscope

If This Year is Your Birthday

Aries (the Wind) 

The perfect time to give up exercising and begin the Krispy Kreme Kleanse is this week.  Don't let the sirens at the gym lure you anywhere near.  You belong on the couch until at least the 19th.

 

Taurus (the Car)

Rethink your vacation plans at the inlaws.  Indulging in mending family fences will backfire and forest fire danger is extreme.  Lay low and pray for rain.

Gemini (the Spaceship)

Overdue library book will result in arrest warrant.  Approaching  outside book receptacle at library after midnight clad in a balaclava and black bodystocking and stealthily slipping "Scandal in Scandinavia" with a $20 bill tucked inside, only possible chance at avoiding the pokey.

 

Cancer (the tropic)

Listening to J.D. Hayworth campaign robocall in entirety will result in lifetime addiction to corn pone and banjo music.  When in doubt, screen it out

Leo (Tolstoy)

Avoid paper.  Paper cut threat is acute. Toilet tissue hazard equally grim due to sliver possibility.  It is a good week to indulge in constipation.

Virgo (the Dizzy)

Your lucky number is 5.  Repeat: your lucky number is 5.  If you do not understand what this means, then your lucky number is 6.  Repeat: your lucky number might also be 6.

 

Libra (the Book)

You're probably still unsure about whether to spend $9 to see "Karate Kid".  Movie choice will pay off only if you concentrate and channel your inner Miyagi.

 

Scorpio (the Pest)

Time to seek investment advice, but only if financial guru has substantial facial hair.  Extreme style will equal extremely profitable results.

 

Sagittarius (the Droopy)

Doing an anonymous good deed for a stranger will keep you looking over your shoulder this week as you wait for a stranger to do an anonymous good deed for you which will result in a cricked neck.

 

Capricorn (the Vegetable)

Family responsibilities will be heavy this week.  Consider letting everyone walk instead of carrying them piggyback.

Aquarius (the Fishtank)

Romance a definite possibility if you are willing to overlook noxious odor and joblessness.

Pisces (the Formula)

Adopting a homeless animal should be postponed until spousal debate over nature vs. nurture is resolved satisfactorily.  Until then,  frolic in the park with random dogs until they are whisked away by suspicious strangers.

With Apologies to Emma Lazarus

I have spent the last hour staring at myself in the mirror and having the following conversation.

Me:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  What are you talking about?

Me:  Oh like you don't know.

Me:  I don't have a clue what you're talking about

(Child pounds on bathroom door)

Child:  Who are you talking to in there?

Me:  Go away, this is a private conversation

Child:  Can I have a popsicle?

Me:  Yes, but only the otter pops, the Dove Bars are mine

Child:  That's not fair.

Me:  If you had been paying attention in Geometry you would have figured that out by now.  Go get your popsicle and then mow the lawn and clean the whole house from top to bottom.

(Dead silence as child stealthily tiptoes away, pretending not to have heard the last part.)

Me:  Where were we?

Me:  You were accusing me of possessing some defect .


Me:  It isn't an accusation, it is a fact.  You have a foible.


Me:  (Heavy sigh whilst examining freakishly enlarged pores in mirror)  I forget, does a foible grow on your face or on your bum?


Me:  A foible is a character flaw, woman.  Sometimes you are so obtuse!


Me:  No need to bring up the weight issue again.  (Eyelids droop in  familiar mournful expression)


Me:  Everyone you know is training for a marathon or giving up sugar or improving in some way.  What are doing?  You are going nowhere, baby.


Me:  Oh yeah?  Well... I'll tell you what I'm doing.  I'm...


Me:  I know what you're doing...you're eating Dove Bars and reading novels while your indentured children clean your house.


Me:  I'm teaching them the value of work.


Me:  But what about you, what are you doing to improve yourself?


Me:  Well, at the moment I'm checking to make sure I don't have any extra long nose-hairs.  Those gross me out.


Me:  Why don't you train for a marathon, how about even a half marathon?


Me:  Can't do it.


Me:  What about giving up Marshmallow Maties, or Oreos, or something.  Can't you give up something?


Me:  I did give up something.  I gave up training for marathons and quitting sugar.  And I did it because I'm so unselfish that I am sacrificing myself so others may feel superior.


Me:  What the...


Me:  (Shoulders back, in authoritative Maya Angelou voice.  Battle Hymn of the Republic begins to fade in)

I'm the blogger people can come to me when they are tired after running 13 miles.  I'm the blogger people can come to when they have passed up free Krispy Kremes at the office.  I'm the blogger that says; give me your tired, your hungry huddled masses yearning to breathe in cotton candy.  The wretched rejects from the teeming track.  Send these, the blistered, donut deprived to me.  I lift my bad example outside the bathroom door!