Sunday, June 20, 2010

Horrorscope

If This Year is Your Birthday




Aries (the Wind) 
The perfect time to give up exercising and begin the Krispy Kreme Kleanse is this week.  Don't let the sirens at the gym lure you anywhere near.  You belong on the couch until at least the 19th.








 

Taurus (the Car)
Rethink your vacation plans at the inlaws.  Indulging in mending family fences will backfire and forest fire danger is extreme.  Lay low and pray for rain.



Gemini (the Spaceship)
Overdue library book will result in arrest warrant.  Approaching  outside book receptacle at library after midnight clad in a balaclava and black bodystocking and stealthily slipping "Scandal in Scandinavia" with a $20 bill tucked inside, only possible chance at avoiding the pokey.






 
Cancer (the tropic)
Listening to J.D. Hayworth campaign robocall in entirety will result in lifetime addiction to corn pone and banjo music.  When in doubt, screen it out





Leo (Tolstoy)
Avoid paper.  Paper cut threat is acute. Toilet tissue hazard equally grim due to sliver possibility.  It is a good week to indulge in constipation.



Virgo (the Dizzy)
Your lucky number is 5.  Repeat: your lucky number is 5.  If you do not understand what this means, then your lucky number is 6.  Repeat: your lucky number might also be 6.



 
Libra (the Book)
You're probably still unsure about whether to spend $9 to see "Karate Kid".  Movie choice will pay off only if you concentrate and channel your inner Miyagi.




 


Scorpio (the Pest)
Time to seek investment advice, but only if financial guru has substantial facial hair.  Extreme style will equal extremely profitable results.








 

Sagittarius (the Droopy)
Doing an anonymous good deed for a stranger will keep you looking over your shoulder this week as you wait for a stranger to do an anonymous good deed for you which will result in a cricked neck.








 






Capricorn (the Vegetable)
Family responsibilities will be heavy this week.  Consider letting everyone walk instead of carrying them piggyback.











Aquarius (the Fishtank)
Romance a definite possibility if you are willing to overlook noxious odor and joblessness.



Pisces (the Formula)
Adopting a homeless animal should be postponed until spousal debate over nature vs. nurture is resolved satisfactorily.  Until then,  frolic in the park with random dogs until they are whisked away by suspicious strangers.

7 comments:

Sue said...

And I thought astrology was a bunch of nonsense...

I stand corrected!

=)

Holly said...

Ok, so, here's the thing. I'm going to miss my appointment for my pelvic ultrasound this morning and it's pretty much your fault. I woke up early and just started looking at my usual blogs and saw your link (don't ask me where, don't know) and I clicked on it. HUGE MISTAKE!!! I've been stuck here reading everything you've ever written in your life and hadn't even been able to stop to pee until I saw that picture of the dollar store easter bunny and then had to make a mad dash. Laughed out loud and woke up my husband (at 3 am) (what a grouch!)(Made him come into office to show him the E.B. pic and he still wasn't happy, go figure). So as I was saying, I've been sitting here for hours and now it's too late to take a shower and make it across town for my ultrasound. I think Valley Radiologists still charge a co-pay if you no-show your appt so you owe me $15. Cash is appreciated.

Nishant said...

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mary said...

What happened to Holly happened to me. (I didn't have a pelvic exam appointment, but I did sit and read all your posts in one big orgy of blog stalking.) Now, I try to make your blog the last one I check because I know I will get a big laugh and be set for the day. Please keep on writing this goofiness.

Angela Henrie said...

I guess it's going to be a LONG, backed-up week!

A Write Life said...

Too funny. My lucky number is 5 . . . or is it 6. 5 I think.

Laurel said...

This Scorpio just wishes she even had some money to invest! In the meantime I'll keep a watch out for abundant facial hair, just in case!