If This Year is Your Birthday
The perfect time to give up exercising and begin the Krispy Kreme Kleanse is this week. Don't let the sirens at the gym lure you anywhere near. You belong on the couch until at least the 19th.
Taurus (the Car)
Rethink your vacation plans at the inlaws. Indulging in mending family fences will backfire and forest fire danger is extreme. Lay low and pray for rain.
Gemini (the Spaceship)
Overdue library book will result in arrest warrant. Approaching outside book receptacle at library after midnight clad in a balaclava and black bodystocking and stealthily slipping "Scandal in Scandinavia" with a $20 bill tucked inside, only possible chance at avoiding the pokey.
Cancer (the tropic)
Listening to J.D. Hayworth campaign robocall in entirety will result in lifetime addiction to corn pone and banjo music. When in doubt, screen it out
Avoid paper. Paper cut threat is acute. Toilet tissue hazard equally grim due to sliver possibility. It is a good week to indulge in constipation.
Virgo (the Dizzy)
Your lucky number is 5. Repeat: your lucky number is 5. If you do not understand what this means, then your lucky number is 6. Repeat: your lucky number might also be 6.
Libra (the Book)
You're probably still unsure about whether to spend $9 to see "Karate Kid". Movie choice will pay off only if you concentrate and channel your inner Miyagi.
Scorpio (the Pest)
Time to seek investment advice, but only if financial guru has substantial facial hair. Extreme style will equal extremely profitable results.
Sagittarius (the Droopy)
Doing an anonymous good deed for a stranger will keep you looking over your shoulder this week as you wait for a stranger to do an anonymous good deed for you which will result in a cricked neck.
Capricorn (the Vegetable)
Family responsibilities will be heavy this week. Consider letting everyone walk instead of carrying them piggyback.
Aquarius (the Fishtank)
Romance a definite possibility if you are willing to overlook noxious odor and joblessness.
Pisces (the Formula)
Adopting a homeless animal should be postponed until spousal debate over nature vs. nurture is resolved satisfactorily. Until then, frolic in the park with random dogs until they are whisked away by suspicious strangers.